V and Panic and More Bad Butterflies

I owe you all an update. I know, I know. I tell you a tiny little bit about someone I’m dating and then leave you high and dry. It’s shameful!

So let’s call this guy V, because he needs a name for my posts about him. V fits him well, and he thinks so too. He’s been in my life since June 20, so just about two weeks now. We don’t really go on dates, though – we just spend hours and hours and hours together. Our first “date” lasted about 12 hours, haha.

It’s a little ridiculous. I mean, I’m a little ridiculous. I don’t really know how to date. All I know how to do is take care of someone, and I’m horribly bad at letting anyone take care of me. I have this shell around me that guys I’m dating usually never even notice. I guess I’m just really bad at saying “I had a bad day, and I need you.” It all kinda builds inside and the only real release I get is feeling good that I’m taking care of someone – cooking for him, cleaning for him, sucking him off, that kind of thing. It makes me forget about a bad day or pressures in my life just to focus on him and submit to him.

And I certainly do that with V. I mean, we’re not committed to one another, so I feel a little out of place sometimes. I don’t want to seem like I’m just taking over his life. I don’t think he sees it that way, but still – its a fine line. The main problem I have is that it is hard for me to know if a guy truly likes me…or if he just likes me for what I do for him.

Don’t get me wrong – V doesn’t strike me as a person who would take advantage of someone like that, just keep a girl around to do shit for him even if he didn’t really like her. At the same time, though, if a guy came into my life and started doing all sorts of things for me, I don’t know if I’d be able to separate out my actual feelings for him versus how happy he made me because my life was easier.

The other night, I was at V’s house and he handcuffed me as we were playing around. Now, I like bing restrained, but not gonna lie, handcuffs freak me out a little! I do trust him, though, as much as I can trust someone at a non-committed level, so I didn’t object. And yes, it was hot.

At one point, though, they started really digging into my wrists and the position of my arms was making my hands fall asleep – those of you who are into bondage know that it’s not a good sign to have parts of your body go numb. So I said something, and V was quick to help me. He reached down and loosened the cuffs so my hands had a little more freedom.

Problem is, when he loosened them, I thought he was going to take them off completely, so I went to pull my hands away and they were still restrained.

And I panicked a little.

I think I was pretty good at hiding just how much I panicked, but for a few secons, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Those of you who have been around BMS for a year or so know that I’ve dealt with panic attacks in the past, and still do from time to time. This is the first time that I felt like that in relation to something bondage-related, though. I actually had marks on my wrists afterwards from me trying to pull away as I panicked.

As soon as V saw I was freaking out, he took the cuffs off. I kinda kept my face down so that he couldn’t see my eyes all teary or my face all pale. I didn’t want him to think I was a complete loser…though I guess he knows now, since he reads this site. At least, I think he does. But I mean, he knew I was freaking out a little at least, and he rubbed my back until I calmed down and made sure I was ok before we kept going with anything we were doing.

And that’s why I think he likes me, not just the little ways I make his life easier. For most doms, that would have been a total mood-killer or they would have pretty much ignored it altogether.For that smallest second, I let him in, let him take care of me…and he did. I mean, I put my shell back up pretty quickly and said that I was ok, I was fine. For a second though, I was there, completely naked – and I don’t mean physically. That means more to me than flowers and jewelry and all that other romantic crap that most girls want in their lives.

Switching gears for a moment…I do have a bit of a beef to pick with fate or god or whatever. Remember when I told you about the Bad Butterflies guy?

Yeah. He’s a great guy. He may not be dominant in anything more than a vanilla sense, but he does want exactly what I want in terms of a relationship and a future – the house, the spouse, the kids, the dog, the freakin’ white picket fense. And I can’t tell you how many nights we stayed up all night talking andboth of us just wanting to hug one another because we found someone who really, really understands. That’s rare.

Well, he messags me the other night to tell me that he and his girlfriend are over. That’s something I wanted for months now. They were never right together. But then, the conversation basically turned into “it’s been you all along, you’re the one I want, I regret every day that I was with her and not with you, blah blah blah.”

Sigh. And so, I told him about V being in my life now.

Don’t get me wrong. There’ nothing exclusive going on with V and me. At least, not at this point. If I want to see other guys, there’s nothing stopping me. Maybe he’s seeing other girls – frankly, I don’t think so given the time he spends with me and his crazy ass work schedule…but he could be; we don’t spend every second of his free time together. And he wouldn’t be doing anything wrong if he was, just like I wouldn’t be doing anything wrong if I went out with the bad butterflies guy.

He asked me to go to lunch. As friends. I said yes, sometime, but not right now. Right now, I’m just too confused about what I want in my life. I mean, I know what I want – someone who wants me to be his, completely. Someone who doesn’t want to share, someone who takes care of me, someone who wants to break down that shell around me and really see me for who I am…and someone who will love me despite my massive flaws and tell me that he thinks I’m beautiful even though I’m not.

Right now, I just want to see where things with V go. And then I’ll have lunch with the other guy – when I’m secure enough in a relationship with V that it is JUST as friends…or when I know that things with V won’t work and can be ok that it is something more.