Synthetic Pussy and Ass Buyer’s Guide

Because Your Girlfriend Wants a Romantic Dinner Date First, but You Don’t Want to Put On Pants.

Dating has never been my thing. I had thirty-three girlfriends in high school alone and none of them worked out for more than a month. I don’t know if they failed because of something I did or if it was due to her inability to please me sexually. After all, I did grow up to be a professional pervert. Either way, I ended up spending most of my adult life on the single side of things, searching high and low for the best possible orgasm a man can experience. Most of the time, that involved me jerking off alone in a darkened bedroom with my hand or with some new-fangled sex toy instead of with another human being.

Being a ladies man isn’t exactly something that runs in my family. I’ll give you a prime example: My grandad used to say that the ass and pussy of a woman were the only two things that mattered on her entire body. And as shitty as that sounds, it actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it, especially if your main objective with a partner is to have sex. Anyway, he told me that everything else was like power windows on a car; the extra features were nice to have but they weren’t necessary to take a good ride. And much like my old man’s perspective on life and love, sex with a synthetic ass/pussy combination toy is both elegant and efficient.

Back in the day, admitting that you had sex with a toy of any sort immediately got you ostracized by your friends and family. It was considered extremely taboo,  but oh how times have changed. Fast-forward a decade or two and now the grown folks know all about the perks of reaching orgasm with a high-quality sex toy. Synthetic ass/pussy toys are top-sellers and they have been since the very first one was invented. This type of play is truly reserved for the professionals pervs among us, no longer thought of as weird but instead seen as the most exquisite way to please your penis. And that’s precisely why I’ve become such a huge fan of them. It’s also why I found it so important to help you guys find the right one in this massive sea of sexiness.

What Is a Pussy/Ass?

It’s not hard to define a pussy/ass combination sex toy, nor is it difficult to recognize one when you see it. Similar to a handheld male masturbator, pussy/asses feature a texturized canal that’s designed to look and feel like real human genitalia. Uniquely, however, pussy/ass combos have two distinct holes to explore, plus they have other features that you simply cannot find on a handheld jerk-off machine or pocket pussy. In fact, the most definitive part of the ass/pussy sex toy is its overall shape which is not only made to resemble an attractive partner but also crafted to provide similar sensations as well. All in all, ass/pussy toys are the perfect product for men who already enjoy using sex toys but who want to take things to the next level.

Why a Pussy/Ass Though?

Why should you consider using a synthetic pussy/ass, even if you don’t already enjoy masturbating with sex toys? Well, because masturbating with your hand is just child’s play, for one. For two, synthetic pussies and asses can give you one thing that your relationship cannot and that’s the freedom to have sex any way you please without regard for the feelings or desires of the other person. These are literally the most self-centered sex toy on the market, and I for one like it that way.

Sometimes, you just need to get your whole body involved to bust the kind of nut you’re looking for. A whole hip thrust can do wonders for the quality of your orgasm. A fake pussy/ass is the truth – mind-blowing, convenient, and a worthy addition to your existing sex toy collection. No special equipment or skills are required either. In fact, having sex with a synthetic ass/pussy is a lot like listening to nostalgic 90’s music. You can do it; put your back into it.

Well-made synthetic pussy/ass combos don’t just suffice in a sexual pinch. In many cases, they end up replacing a real human relationship simply because of their user-friendliness and reluctance to whine when the smell of your B.O wafts through the room. Sprinkle on the fact that some of these toys do things that no human vagina can ever do and you have the recipe for a sexy social wedge that nobody seems to be complaining about. In my somewhat unlimited personal experience, I’ve seen synthetic pussy/ass toys pull off the following 7 things:

  1. Provide Adequate Prep for Upcoming Sex with a Partner – They say most men last between two and five minutes in the sack, but the average woman takes about 20 minutes to reach orgasm. The disparity there can be mitigated more easily than you think, plus it makes prep time a lot more fun. If you pre-game it with a good synthetic pussy/ass combo toy you’re likely to last longer when it’s time to please your partner.
  2. Offer the User Ample Stamina and Endurance Training – With the right canal texture and technique, a high-quality synthetic ass/pussy combo can be used to improve your endurance in the sack. Regular use with plenty of lube might do the trick on its own, but add a vibrating cock ring or prostate stimulator into the mix and watch out. Your ejaculate will fly out of the tip of your dick at the speed of light, Rocket Man.
  3. Help Long-Distance Relationships Flourish – The modern world is filled with long-distance love affairs with lots of promise, but many of them fizz out due to a lack of sexual connection. Dirty talk on the phone can only get you so far when you’re stuck masturbating with your typing hand. A good ass or pussy sex toy can make all the difference in making the encounter much more enjoyable for everybody.
  4. Support Fidelity in Monogamous Long-Term Relationships –  Whether you’re far apart or close together, staying sexually satisfied can be hard in a long-term relationship. It’s normal to have urges and feel tingles down below, but it’s not normal to break a person’s heart because of infidelity. Ass/Pussy combo toys help keep the cheating bug at bay while allowing the user to safely experiment with various sexual fantasies (sans divorce papers).
  5. Make Fantasies Become Realities – Speaking of which, synthetic ass/pussy play can instantly transform the way you masturbate to porn. This is especially true if you get a model that’s been molded after the innards of a famous celebrity. Yes, those things exist, but we’ll get to that soon.
  6. Promote Better Sex Positioning and Stroking – They say practice makes perfect, so why not work on your stroking and poking with a fake pussy and ass before you attempt it on a live, unsuspecting human being? Get your rhythm down to a science, elevate your stamina game and perfect that perverted position you’ve been wanting to try before someone gets hurt.
  7. Serve as Hilarious Gag Gifts (That Typically Get Used Later in Secret) – My first experience with a synthetic ass/pussy combo sex toy was when I received one as a gag gift for my 21st birthday. I laughed and put it aside, but later that night my sex life was forever changed. That’s probably how it starts with most men, at least guys who aren’t brave enough to admit this shit is super sexy.

Take advantage of all the benefits of having sex with a synthetic ass/pussy while they’re still inexpensive enough to afford on a pauper’s salary like yours. Fortunately, you don’t have to be rich to afford a well-made sex toy that opens as many doors as these things do. All you need, to be quite honest, is a road map to get you through all the clever marketing ploys and fake customer reviews. Lucky for you, I have just the thing. Let’s continue.

The Top 5 Ways to Tell If That Synthetic Pussy/Ass Is Worth It or Not

Choosing the right ass/pussy combination sex toy is no walk in the park, nor was sitting through an entire conversation with my grandfather. We’ve all been through hard times, but I’m going to try making things a little easier for us all if you don’t mind. Let’s discuss the things you need to know about yourself first:

  • Your Penis Size – Understand that the size of your penis is going to affect a lot of things in your life, including how much fun you get to have with luxury sex toys like these.
  • Your Weight – When it comes to pussy/ass combos, your body weight will play a significant role in how safe, easy and convenient it is to use.
  • Your Skin Type – Not all sex toys are made from the same materials, meaning some of them can cause serious skin irritations and allergic reactions if you’re not careful.
  • Your Favorite Lube – Those lubes in your stash might be great for other occasions, but you’ll want to make damn sure you have something compatible with your new ass/pussy toy.
  • Your Intended Uses – Whether buying one of these things for yourself, a partner or as a gag gift, be clear about your intentions before spending any money. Believe me, it will matter.

You do know that you don’t have to settle on the very first ass/pussy you stumble across, right? A certain level of discernment is required here, plus your picky dick will probably appreciate it. Know what one of these things is and/or having an appreciation for their awesomeness is one thing; understanding how to tell the good from the bad is another. I plan to equip you with everything you need to get this done as quickly as possible, but you have to be willing to listen to me. In my experience, which is rather extensive, the following 5 things are what people should be looking at and/or considering when shopping for their first (or next) synthetic ass/pussy combo toy:

  • The Dimensions

Your ideal pussy and ass sex toy will have dimensions that pair well with your unique body type. Dimensions of ass/pussy combos typically include things like total size, canal length, canal circumference and weight. That information is usually listed on the box that the toy comes packaged in, but sometimes you’ll have to go to the manufacturer’s website to find it. Measure your height and weight before comparing it to any sex toys just to make sure you don’t pass up the perfect product or fall in love with the wrong one. No matter what you do, though, don’t skip this step. There’s nothing worse than making a full-strength thrust into an ass or pussy that doesn’t fit your dick. Remember, the best synthetic ass/pussy combo toys offer more than enough space for the average sized penis while still being tight and texturized enough to coax anyone’s ejaculate from its secret dwelling place.

  • The Density

Keep in mind that you’re most likely going to be thrusting pretty hard into your new pussy/ass sex toy, so the density of the materials thereof is extremely important. A model that’s too lightweight will fly all over the place when you fuck it. On the contrary, a model that’s too heavy will be difficult to maneuver into different positions. Find a goldilocks toy by considering the materials with which it was made. Pro tip: Measure your and/or your partner’s weight and then divide it by 1/5 to determine whether the toy you like will stand up to the test of your testicles.

  • The Canal Quality

Not all ass/pussy sex toy canals are the same and that’s a very good thing. Many are made to either resemble or feel exactly like a famous porn star, including some of the biggest names in the industry. The best part about having sex with a pussy/ass combo, as opposed to a standard handheld masturbator, is the access to either a vagina or an anus. Furthermore, high-quality canals usually feature amazing textures and most are ergonomically angled to promote optimal masturbation technique. Look for stuff like dual canals, angular positioning, and porn-star inspiration for the best fit.

  • The Materials

Ass/Pussy combo toys that are worth your time and money will be made exclusively from high-end materials such as TPE, silicone or elastomer. Never settle for anything less, mostly because lower-quality materials either won’t work with your favorite lube, won’t stand up against your fervent thrusting, won’t feel good on your skin or all of the above. Materials matter whether you like to think so or not. Don’t believe me? Imagine having sex with sandpaper. Case closed.

  • The Appearance

Last but certainly not least, look for an ass/pussy combo sex toy that actually looks good. Many are made with function taking precedence of fashion, but a good model will have both qualities in equal and appropriate proportions. Looks for things like labial folds, wrinkling, fleshy colors and pubic hair (rare) to find the best option. On the other hand, when it comes to the appearance of your sex toys, personal preference is what will matter the most. Go for a product that incites curiosity and passion; that’s my best advice.

The Three Kings: My Favorite Synthetic Pussies and Asses

I’m not one to kiss and tell, but it’s extremely hard to have sex with a synthetic puss/ass and not brag about it to your friends. I’ve had some of the most satisfying sex of my life using one of these things, and they’re relatively easy to take care of too (especially when compared to a full-blown girlfriend). I simply close my eyes and pretend I’m slamming my eager and eccentric cock into someone I’ve been dying to fuck. When I’m done, I clean her up, slide her under the bed and take a nap. Ass/pussy toys paired with other pleasure products like cock rings, butt plugs, anal beads or prostate massagers make these toys even more on point. Coupled with Bluetooth connectivity, downloadable porn content and/or virtual reality glasses – don’t even ask.

Better than handheld masturbators by far, fake ass/pussy sex toys even give automatic machines a run for their money and tend to make sex with a real human being a second-class activity. But to have a similar experience with your new plaything, you first have to pick out the right one. The guidelines above should be enough to point you in the right direction. Just in case you’re still lost in this ocean of orifices, here are my top three favorite synthetic ass/pussy combination sex toys for your consideration:

BEST OVERALL: The Kendra Lust Life-Size Booty Stroker

Kendra Lust is one of the hottest porn stars to ever grace the big screens, but having sex with her has always just been a fantasy for us all – until now. This jaw-dropping, hyper-realistic pussy/ass combo stoker is molded after the super sexy Kendra L. herself, with dual canals and an extra-stimulating texture buried deep within each one. Her specially formulated TPE skin is also hypoallergenic and designed to behave like the real thing when you grope it, tap it, or slap it. There are 6.5 insertable inches inside the tunnels too, which, by the way, are both ergonomically angled for optimal positioning. Having sex with this thing makes you feel like you’re better in the bed than you really are.

PRO: The Kendra Lust Booty can usually be purchased as a kit that comes with a stack of accessories including some of the KL’s most popular porn flicks.

CON: It may be a bit too expensive for ass/pussy sex toy combo newbies, but through the right source, you can get it with a limited manufacturer’s warranty, so there’s that.

BEST CANAL TEXTURE: The Jesse Jane Doggy Style Pussy & Ass

The Jesse Jane Doggy Style sets the bar for most other pussy/ass toys on the modern-day market. As one of the biggest and most life-like masturbators available, the JJDS is molded from the one and only Jesse Jane to capture every minute detail of her gorgeous crotch. With two separate canals, realistic orifices and an open-ended design, she’s ready for whatever you toss her way just like she is in the movies. Hefty, durable, sleek and sexy, Jesse Jane’s pretty little ass weighs a just over 9 pounds and is made from skin-safe TPE for a sensational boost to your balls. She’s compatible with all lube types but performs best with water-based varieties. Oh yeah, and Jesse Jane herself endorses every orgasm you have with this thing (especially if you achieve it while watching her porno DVD).

PRO: This thing is surprisingly realistic and, if Jesse Jane really feels like that in bed, it makes me want to dump my current girlfriend and get into porn.

CON: Jesse Jane’s pussy and asshole may be product sensations that are too extreme for men with premature ejaculation problems.

MOST UNIQUE: The Jesse Jane Side Action Pussy and Ass Masturbator

The  world’s favorite beautiful and busty All-American blonde bombshell has done it again, folks. Jesse Jane’s Side Action Pussy and Ass Masturbator is just about as unique as she is, with two different entry points molded from her sexy body and a pair of alluring openings that look exactly like hers do when she lays down on her side. Ideal for a wide variety of sex positions, this thing is hand-crafted and hand-painted for an exceptionally realistic experience that pairs well with JJ’s collection of porn videos. Winner of 28 industry awards, the JJSA is made from soft, skin-safe TPE and features distinct textures within each love tunnel.

PRO: The overall design of this toy (including the super soft material) makes it feel especially good when you thrust and/or press in.

CON: It may not be ideal for men who prefer doggy-style and/or missionary sex.

The End Game

It’s not always easy being sleazy, nor is it a simple task to pick out the perfect synthetic ass/pussy combination sex toy. However, doing this is a whole lot better than trying to get that hot girl to go out with you. And while the initial price of these things may be somewhat shocking to many consumers, think of it this way: At least you’re not having to pay for a fancy dinner anymore. Synthetic sex toys come in an extremely wide variety, and ass/pussy products are no exception. The key is find the one that has all the features you and/or your partner need to have a safe and satisfying sexual experience (hopefully more than once). If that calls for a heavy-weight, silicone-based, porn-star-molded synthetic ass/pussy toy with dual canals and a pair of hyper realistic orifices, then so be it. It’s still a better love story than Twilight.