Considering this is a sex blog, I’m going to assume that you have an average-to-high sex drive. Once a month probably isn’t going to do it for you. If you’re in the “high” category like me, you probably want it almost every day. Fuck, I love sex.
But not everyone is like you or me, and that’s okay too. Some people have low sex drives. I might not understand it, but I can say there’s nothing wrong with people who fall into this category.
Well, maybe there’s one thing wrong with people in the “low sex drive” category. They date people like you and me, people with high sex drives.
Recently on Mr. SexSmith’s SexIs column, Sinclair answered an email from a reader unhappy with her and her partner’s mismatched sex drives. As Sinclair wrote, this is a common problem in relationship. Too common.
I’m among the legions of people who have dated someone with an unsatisfying sex drive. It’s a shitty feeling, so if you’re going through it too, I feel for ya. Unless this is the second time it has happened to you. Or the third time. Or the fourth. Or the…
There are few things I find more annoying than people bitching about relationship problems they’ve had before. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, guys. I’m not sad that you are, for the 19th time, dating a girl who doesn’t like to give you blog jobs or only opens her legs on your birthday.
People make the mistake of thinking sex isn’t important. IT IS. Sexual compatibility is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and if you think it isn’t, you’re in denial. Or possibly an idiot. You need to date someone who makes you feel fulfilled in all aspects of life, included sexually. If you don’t, you’re going to find yourself feeling self conscious, moody, and increasingly annoyed with the situation. This is NOT going to change.
The best case scenario is that you and your partner will compromise. You’ll come up with a plan so that you get enough sex to satisfy your high sex drive and your partner will not feel overwhelmed with the pressure to have sex more often than he/she finds comfortable. Adult toys and porn can help you offset the balance…but it’s really not the same if you’re craving a real life connection. Some couples settle on a polyamorous lifestyle, which can work for some people, but it’s definitely not something that most couples want to try. And yes, cheating is an option, but that’s not really a good choice for a healthy relationship.
Even if you and your partner can compromise, will either of you really be happy? I don’t believe you should have to compromise on something so important to a relationship.
So how about you STOP DATING PEOPLE WITH LOW SEX DRIVES? Seriously, the first time it happens, I totally understand, but you have to learn from your mistakes. There are girls out there who want sex as often as the stereotypical male. There are men out there who like sex less often than what is stereotypical. Find someone who is compatible with you.
That’s what I did. And god is it good.
Sex is part of love. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it isn’t.
This post is sponsored by Eden Fantasys: The Sex Shop You Can Trust and is in compliance with the FTC guidelines. All opinions expressed are my own and not representative of Eden Fantasys or any of their writers.
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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I think it depends, if I want it twice a day, my partner wants if every other day, if we can compromise on say every day (knowing that twice is really a peak for me) then it’s not so bad. Also, if I’m not compromising on sex, seems like I’m going to end up compromising on something else.
I definitely agree – you’re going to compromise somewhere in your relationship with anyone. But I think that wanting it twice a day versus every other day probably isn’t as big of a deal as wanting it twice a day versus once a month or even once a year. If you’re really far apart on any issue, the relationship probably isn’t going to work out. People seem to recognize that with other issues (someone who loves children and wants five or six of them wouldn’t date someone who hates children and never wants any), but for some reason, when it comes to sex, people think that it doesn’t matter at all. You don’t have to match perfectly, but if you’re far apart on sexual needs, it IS important and it will destroy either your relationship or your happiness.
As someone who’s been there…admirable goal, but easier said than done. My problem is that I don’t tend to prioritize sex drive when choosing a partner (in fact, I often don’t get sexual with someone, or don’t get sexual more than once, before deciding to commit to a relationship), but once I’m in the relationship, it can be a headache. Another confounding factor is that I’ve dated a couple of people who just weren’t terribly comfortable with their bodies or comfortable with sex…drive may be tangential to this. If I were being rational about it, as someone with a high sex drive, I would insist on holding back from starting a relationship until I had gotten a sense for the person’s sex drive and how well it matched mine. The problem is, whether or not I did that, I feel like I can’t help myself with wanting to date them anyway! When a person is interesting, attractive, and interested in and attracted to me…I tend to assume “ehh, the sex stuff will work itself out.” Predictably, it doesn’t actually work itself out. It requires a lot of work, and sometimes tears. Happily, the last couple of relationships I’ve been in have been with people whose sex drives match mine – but is that on purpose? Wish I could say it was, but I think I just got lucky. (I still can’t believe that I’m sometimes the one saying “not tonight”…)
I think the mindset “ehh, the sex stuff will work itself out” is a dangerous one and part of the reason so many marriages end in divorce. Now, I’m not saying that sex is the most or only important thing in a relationship, and certainly sex isn’t the reason for all divorces, but if drives don’t match, it will be difficult for things to work out long-term. People always make the mistake of thinking it doesn’t matter…but it does! I’m glad to hear you’re dating someone who keeps you busy, even if it was by luck!
My big issue with this is that I will date someone who has a high sex drive, fall madly in like with them (or more), and then when they realize that sex is a constant thing (about 3 months into it) their drive drops off like Whoa (from 3x a day to 1x a week… or less). And I’m still at that initial OMG SEX ALL THE TIME I FOUND SOMEONE TO KEEP UP WITH ME!!
Oi… it’s frustrating. Because I go in saying that sex (quality and frequency) is important to me, and they’re all “oh, yah, totally.” And then my drive is apparently a bit too much for them. :/
But yes, I agree with you that if sex is important to you, you NEED to make your partner know.
That’s definitely a problem I’ve had too, Gexx. I think most people are super into sex at the beginning of a relationship (or at least, when they first start having sex), but then it drops off. For people like us, it’s a more constant thing!Not really sure there’s a good solution for ya, but here’s to hoping you find someone who has a high sex drive too!