Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about gender. Forgive me if, over the next few days, I talk about a topic that isn’t really D/s related.
A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with an old friend while visiting my parents, and he made a very homophobic comment about a guy in the neighborhood. Now, I have to preface this story with a little reality lesson about where I grew up: it wasn’t exactly what you call progressive. It is one of those place where everyone knows everyone, people all own a few acres of farmland, and you can count the number of non-white people you know on one hand. Where I grew up, people are still getting used to the fact that Jews and Christians live in proximity of one another and that we might very well have a black president come November.
People aren’t out of the closet. They just aren’t. There are a few people who others know are gay, but everyone pretends they aren’t – no one talks about it and CERTAINLY two guys/two girls would never live together or even hold hands at the mall. Generally, there are two camps:
- Those who ignorantly don’t like gay people, think that gay people are a threat to the morals of America, and would protest anyone gay in the community. Some people in this group might even get violent (but of course, you can hate someone without committing hate crimes too).
- Those who don’t understand gay people and don’t care to try. They don’t exactly hate homosexuals – but they aren’t comfortable with the thought. They’re "live and let live" kinds of people.
I also want to mention that the second group of people, although more tolerant, are not exactly "better." These people would be devastated if a child told them they were gay and often make hurtful gay jokes. Where I grew up, "you’re so gay" is an insult commonly used to mean that you’re being stupid or inappropriate. BOTH groups are part of the problem.
Yet, I have a hard time finding fault. The train of thought might be wrong, but when you’re immersed in that environment, that’s all you know. Using "that’s gay" as an insult was something I actively taught myself not to do when I was in high school – it had been part of my speech since I was a child, and even though it may have been hurtful for someone gay to hear it, to me, it wasn’t a hateful expression.
Anyway, when I say that my friend made a homophobic comment, you have to understand where he’s coming from. When I didn’t react with disgust to news that someone might be gay, he kind of got quiet. Then, he looked up at me and said, "Wait. Are you a lesbian? Because, you know, if you were gay, I’d be ok with it. You could tell me."
Maybe it is because of where I grew up, but having my sexuality questioned was really uncomfortable. It wasn’t uncomfortable because I was momentarily perceived as gay…I think it was uncomfortable because suddenly, I felt like my friend didn’t know me well enough to know who I am.
And I realized that I’ve been dealing with this otherwise. Lately, I’ve realized that I’m generally pretty stressed out about not being about to be myself in a submissive light. (I know I said that this had nothing to do with D/s, but fuck it…) It’s that same uncomfortable feeling. People see you and assume that you’re one thing when you are clearly another. It isn’t all about your sexual personality, either. It would be nice to, for example, wear a collar in public if Daddy and I wanted to. We could – there are certainly no laws against it – but in doing so, we could jeopardize our jobs, and it could even give people fuel to take away any children we may have in the future (not that I want children yet! just making a point! don’t panic, Daddy!).
I’m glad I went away to college, moved out of the area, and met some awesome people who changed how I thought about identity. For now, I’ll leave it at that, but I do have more to say on the subject, so this post is definitely to be continued!
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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