Being vulnerable terrifies me.
It’s a feeling that most people don’t like, in general. It can be exciting, as a sub, but it is always terrifying as well. I have to go to this other space in my mind to deal with it. At the same time, I crave it…but in a more perfect way than I’ve had in the past.
First, there’s physical vulnerability. In the past, I can only count two times that I’ve been tied down to the point where escape was not an option. An ex from a long time ago tied me to the bedposts once, but it would have been easy to break the loose knots he used. Of course, there have been my doms, but in real life, D never restrained me to the point where I wasn’t able to escape, should I really want to. V did – twice. Oh, he restrained me more times than that, but only twice would it have been impossible for me to free myself. And really, given enough time, I think I could have gotten out of the one.
But one time, he handcuffed my hands behind my back. It was hot at first, and I definitely trusted him at that point to do it. Then it started to hurt a little, as handcuffs do when you’re being fucked hard from behind. And for some reason, that little bit of pain made me PANIC. I went from really turned on to freaking out for him to take them off in just a few seconds.
For some reason, that pain made me realize that I was extremely vulnerable, physically. By that point in our relationship, I fully trusted V in the sense that I knew he wouldn’t murder me or something…but I panicked anyway. Instead of just giving in to the pleasure, all I could think about was how scared I was.
I think that’s because, for me, the physical vulnerability is deeply connected to my emotional vulnerability. I’ve spent a lot of time in my life trying to tell myself that fucking is just fucking…that the physical doesn’t have to be about any kind of love connection. Emotions don’t have to be a part of the game unless I want them to be. Right?
That’s what I’d like to believe, but the fact of the matter is that I just can’t handle sex that way. Even with The Student, I fight the urge to domesticate him, to tame him and ask him for exclusivity. It isn’t something that’s constantly on my mind, and the fun we have together outweighs the negative, but at the end of the day, that’s not what I want. I would give up sex with The Student for the rest of my life for someone devoted to me, even if that someone was horrible in bed. It’s no competition, in my mind. Love means more than sex. Emotion means more than the physical.
That’s why I panicked. As much as I trusted V physically, I wasn’t yet at a place to trust him emotionally.
At the same time, that’s part of the reason that I became so attached to The Cowboy. He wasn’t my dom by any means, but he did some dom-ish things, and they revolved around emotion, not the physical. Frankly, he could have done some low-level domming with me on a physical level, and I would have submitted to him. He never asked that of me, though. It was emotional stuff, like making me say again and again, “I am pretty.”
I don’t think The Cowboy understood how big of an effect that had on me in the same way that I don’t think The Student understands that I love sex with him for reasons beyond physical pleasure or V understands the problems I was having with emotional vulnerability when I was so physically willing to trust him completely. I feel like I’m maybe not the best communicator in the world, but I’m not sure how to change that. Something to work on, I guess.
Right now, I’m “home” visiting my parents. It’s a really vulnerable trip for me because for the first time, my mom really understands the problems I’ve been having and knows that I’m going to a therapist for help.
During our last conversation, The Cowboy said that he thinks I should move back in with them, that he sees that as a good thing for me to really help me. That guy knew a lot about me, but on that, he was dead wrong. Over the past week, I played with the idea in my head, because I do highly value his opinion, but now that I’m here, I just know. I love my family, but being here would kill me. To be honest, I think that the reason we have such a good relationship is that we’re at a distance. I love this place. I do. But it isn’t where I want to be. I need to find my own home. I need the support of my mom, not the crushing pressure I feel when I’m here. It makes me feel vulnerable to the point that I’m nearly ready to have an anxiety attack.
I miss feeling that vulnerability was OK in all senses of the word. I miss it, but to be honest, I’m not sure that I’ve ever had it. For a very brief flash in time, I was starting to feel that way with The Cowboy, and I think that I would have gotten there eventually with D, if things hadn’t been so royally fucked up. Really, though…I don’t think that feeling has ever been in my life for more than a moment. Can you miss something you’ve never had?
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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