Ok.
I’m the type of person who…well…takes things personally. I’m not just talking about being sad about an insult or something. I mean everything, even when things don’t happen to me. When other people I love hurt, I hurt. This is often the cause of my stress…I can’t let things go. So yeah, when I know that things aren’t going right in Daddy’s life or that he’s sick or whatever, I get stressed out and upset really easily. It is just how I am.
It goes without saying that I’m stressed out right now.
But right now, it is about more than just problems in other people’s lives or even personal health/money problems (and don’t we all have those, at least on some level, right now). Right now, here’s where the bulk of my stress is coming from: I am freaking jealous.
Daddy has warned me more than once to not qualify myself in his life versus other people. In other words, he doesn’t want me to think about who’s the "most important" person in his life or anything like that. So I try not too.
He’s also warned me that if I ever gave him an ultimatum about Her or anyone else for that matter, we’re done. Really, that makes sense to me, and he doesn’t have to say it, really. I’m the exact same way – I won’t let someone else dictate who else I choose to have in my life, even if I am submissive. I’m not talking about replying to readers or something (and yes, Daddy does have some say over that if things are "risque" at all). I’m talking about my current friends and family. If Daddy – or anyone – told me that I couldn’t talk to my sister, for example, I would show him the door. So, ok, I’m not going to tell him that we can’t be friends (or anything more) unless he stops talking to Her.
But I’m insanely jealous. I don’t like the fact that she can disappear from his life for months at a time, and when that happened over this past year, I’ve been there. No matter what he does or says to me…I made a commitment from the start that I would not leave his side, as a friend if as nothing more. She does. Yes, she eventually comes back, but I couldn’t imagine going months without talking to him or making sure he was ok, even if he called my mother a cunt. Being bad at someone doesn’t erase other things.
It drives me nuts that I’ve proven this to him (no, he’s never called my mother a cunt, but he has said hurtful things…we have epic fights), and yet I know that on some levels he still doesn’t trust me completely, because, in part, of things she’s done to him in the past, before he even knew me.
The point is that I’m better than her. He sometimes gets mad when I say that, and it sounds shallow and self-centered, I know. But it is true. No one can love him more. No one will do a better job taking care of him. No one…not even Her on a good day…will spend her time thinking about how she can make him happy for no other reason than it makes me happy.
That was a confusing sentence – let me clarify. In every relationship, you do nice things for the other person because you care about them. I do those nice things for him…and doing them makes me happy! Even when I’m pissy about something, like getting up early to make him breakfast, in the end, it makes me SO happy just to make him happy.
So what’s the draw to Her? Their "history." He’s told me (and I don’t know if it is true or not) that the only reason She ranks above me in any way is that they have a four-year history of on-again-off-again crap. There’s nothing I can do about that…he will have ALWAYS known Her first.
I’m jealous. I’m jealous whenever I think he’s on the phone with Her and not me, and I’m jealous when I’m on the phone with him and hear him typing because I’m worried that he’s IMing Her. I’m jealous and crazy, I know. But there it is.
I just want to be secure in a relationship (and I want that relationship to be with him). A few days before he left, Daddy admitted to me that he doesn’t know if he can ever be the man I want, need, or deserve. What he doesn’t realize is that he already is. If She would have disappeared after their last "falling out," we’d be happy together…or at least working on being happy together. Sadly, I know She will leave him again (it is only a matter of time), and he’ll come back to me…and I’ll have to go through this again a few months later when She comes slinking back.
I don’t wish death on people, but I wish that She would just disappear, once and for all.
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This sounds almost identical to my relationship with K…I feel for you. I know it sucks. I eventually reached a point I was able to let most of the jealousy go but I think it was at the expense of letting go of the intensity of my feelings for Him too.
Honey…I want to run over and hug you so much. Havent we all suffered this pain? Yes, every women with a heart for a man feels it heavy like this once in her life. But…ALAS, he is right. You can not qualify yourself in his life in relations to others. Not because it is a control issue (although you / he can not let anyone control who is in your life), but because if she just disappeared forever…he would always wonder. He would always think…”what if?” And that can be more destructive than her being there. Because there is nothing you can do to fight that. If you love something…let it go…even though it hurts like hell and your heartaches…. because when he comes back the part of him that is yours will not be something she can take away. ~~Dee
Ouch. I too can relate to this somewhat as well. I wonder if it’s that traditional streak in me, but for me, I don’t share. It doesn’t work for me. I’m also of the belief that the man in your life should make you feel cherished and special.
If he’s running back to a ‘previous model’ because it makes him happy, how can you not feel like you’re second string? Sometimes I wonder how the men would feel if the situation was reversed?
Sometimes, there’s no way you can overcompensate for history. However, there’s a reason that they are history – and most likely those same reasons will rear their head again. You can certainly assert an ultimatum – but be willing to stick to it. He may still feel that pull, that attraction, that whatever that makes them like a magnetic pull. But is that fair to you? Maybe I’m too idealistic (which explains why I’m still single…) but I thought a Dominant was supposed to keep your own best interests at heart – that he was not to intentionally damage you.
I’d take the opportunity to look inward first – what in you puts up with this? Are you willing to have him drop everything and go back to her yet again to leave you picking up the pieces? How can he sacrifice your own well-being and expect you to endure it again and again? Is he really the man you thought he was? Are you willing to compromise? Where do you draw the line with your own well-being?
Hugs. (Just questions for you to think about.)
If I were you, I’d be crushed too. And I wouldn’t think this was an easy decision by any means.
girl546 – that’s what I’m worried about too. I don’t want to feel less for him. I really like being in love with him.
Dee – I know he’s right. I don’t want that question to always be in his mind. I want to “win” fair and square.
SK – I struggle this those questions every day. At the same time, it hasn’t been easy to him either. I do deserve a dom who will keep my best interests at heart, but I do think that he owed it to me to be honest…and he was. It is crushing, but that’s all I can ask of him – to be honest with me about his feelings.
I really agree with SK, how can he do that to you in the first place? You can’t be so involved with one person and then just because some old flame or an ex comes back (no matter how long the history) just dump the other person! That is seriously wrong, it makes me hate men (not really obviously) but seriously this seems like a common situation i’ve seen friends in and other people i love. We are not toys that can be discarded so easily even if we are subs.
You deserve better than this, he was wrong to make that choice!