Serious Business?

Sex is serious business. Right?

Well…maybe.

When I was college, I definitely didn’t respect my own body. At first, sex was this novel, new things, a way to confirm that a boy liked me. But then, I really started to spin out of control. For about a year, I was really, really depressed about life, and I didn’t really care if I lived or died. Partying started on Thursday night and didn’t end until the keg was kicked on Monday morning. It was a game, to see if I could go home with someone at the end of the night. Some nights, I did.

I kept my grades up and I kept a 20-hour-a-week job on top of full time school, but I hated myself and didn’t think it was good enough. I wanted to be so much more, and because I wasn’t, I kind of…gave up. Sex was the only confirmation I felt, like it was the only way I felt good enough, even if it was only for an hour or so. I’m lucky that I didn’t catch any really nasty STDs during this era of my life. Mono and chlamydia (FYI, that’s a 100% curable STD) were the worst things that came from it. Well, that and a completely shattered self-image.

I’m still working on finding who I am, repairing that mirror where I look at my own reflection. I credit my now-best-friend (then-bf) with saving me. He certainly didn’t mean to take that role in my life, but when he came into the picture, I decided that I deserved something more. So, I guess I really saved myself, but he was the inspiration. When we eventually broke up, I had to re-think my views on sex for real. It is easy to say “I’m only having sex when I’m in a long-term, committed relationship with someone I love” when you…are.

I wouldn’t say I fell into my old ways again completely, but let’s just say that I haven’t been a nun when single. Then, a few months ago, I noted to The Cowboy that I didn’t want to be like that anymore. We talked about the fact that sex is special, and you shouldn’t just give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it…and “deserving it” means a long-term committed relationship.

That sounded really nice to me, so nice that I turned a booty call with the Student into a platonic visit, even though I wasn’t obligated to anyone in any way.

But you know what? That’s just not me. Sex can be very serious business, but to say that I need to be romantically in love with someone to have it in a positive way is complete crap.

If I have someone in my life, I have no problem saying no to sex outside of the relationship. One guy is more than enough for me, even in a new relationship when we aren’t yet doing more than kissing. And yes, my days of one night stands are over. It feels crappy to wake up naked next to a whole lot of nothing because some guy whose name you don’t even remember made his escape while you were sleeping. Or worse, it feels even crappier to feel obligated to be gone by morning, to try to silently fumble back into your clothing and make that walk of shame to your car or home in the dark only to realize that you aren’t wearing your thong and you forgot your lip gloss on his nightstand. Consider them martyrs of the night, you’ll never see either again.

I can also wait for someone. I absolutely LOVE sex, but if a guy needs to be in love with me before he sleeps with me, I’m still more than willing to be in a relationship with him and wait until he’s ready, even if that takes a fairly long time. Kisses and hand-holding are way underrated, and if a guy expressed to me that he wanted to wait, it would be months or even maybe years before I’d start to feel like we were moving too slowly. I don’t think I would want to wait for marriage, because I think sex is an important part of a relationship, but I don’t need to be naked after our first date. I’m willing to wait, and to be honest, I’d prefer to wait until he at least felt like he could love me, that we’re moving in that direction.

But casual sex? I don’t think it is wrong, at least not for me. I think it can be bad if both parties aren’t on the same page, and it certainly can be unsafe if you sleep with people you don’t trust, but if you choose your partners wisely, casual sex can be incredible. If you can have an amazing night enjoying one another physically, and leave in the morning feeling loved and happy, why isn’t that a positive thing in life?

The argument can be made that if you aren’t special enough to someone to want to date, you shouldn’t be their source of sex. That’s not how you have to look at things too. I think a friendship where you aren’t necessarily romantically involved, but where you trust one another enough to have sex is VERY special. And to still be friends the next day, to be able to talk about it if you want, to feel comfortable around one another? That isn’t just special. That’s rare.

To someone who hasn’t experienced this kind of closeness with someone outside of a relationship, I can understand how it would seem odd or even wrong, but I feel blessed to have certain people in my life where a FWB relationship is possible, regardless of if it lasts just one night or if it lasts several nights until one of us is off the market.

The bottom line? You can have casual sex and still respect yourself. It all depends on the choices you make and the people in your life.