Pussy Pump Buyer’s Guide

Pussy Pump Prime Time Is In Effect.

The first time I ever had my pussy looked at, admired, or eaten was when I was 17. It was all at once during a weekend-long party at my best friend’s house while her parents were out of town. What was supposed to be the greatest sexual experience of my life turned out to be the lamest. The guy, giving it all he had, fumbled and stumbled his way through it until I eventually faked orgasm just to get him off me.

Fast forward a few years and I finally discovered what all the fuss was about. While in an otherwise stale relationship, a friend suggested we spice things up with a little oral foreplay. Not knowing I was hooked up with an Olympic-grade pussy eater, I found out why everyone was so crazy for cunnilingus. It turns out that the magic is in what you do with the clit. And yeah, that might be obvious to some people, but it most certainly wasn’t common knowledge to me or half the men I dated in my twenties. I didn’t even know I could squirt until I was almost 30. Meanwhile, me and Mr. Olympia broke up and I went out searching for an alternative. That’s when I came across pussy pumps and my love life hasn’t been the same since.

No longer do I desperately seek sexual gratification from whoever’s available at the party because the toys I own take care of what most partners cannot. Furthermore, my pussy pumps make it very difficult for a lover with less-than-amazing tongue skills to make it through the qualifying round. As a result of using good pussy pumps for many years now, my dating pool is better, my orgasms are more intense and my ability to sustain myself through orgasmic droughts has been significantly improved.

I’m not saying that pussy pumps are a replacement for the real thing. What I’m saying is that the one I used transformed my bedtime routine in such a way that being single no long had the same sting. Unfortunately, the pussy pump that became lovingly dubbed as “Old Faithful” eventually went belly-up and I had to go out in search of a new one. Talk about feeling the disappointment of dating all over again.

On the bright side, I learned a few things along the way, such as: Never use a silicone pussy pump with silicone-based lube unless you want to have a funeral for your sex toy. That hard-knock education I received has allowed me to eyeball a terrific pussy pump for 14.73 miles away in the rain and eloquently describe the attributes you should look for when shopping. But before we begin, these are the 5 things you must know before ever looking for a new pussy pump:

Your Skin Type 

The type of skin you’re in will affect numerous factors, including the kind of material with which you need your new pussy pump to be made. Certain materials can cause allergic reactions and/or irritation for some skin types. Also, intense or prolonged suction to the clitoris may create bumps, swelling and/or bruising on many. If you don’t know your skin type before you start shopping, even the bad stuff will look good.

Your Lube Stash 

Did you know that your choice in lubrication will directly affect which pussy pumps you can buy? If you prefer water-based lubes over the oil-based or silicone-based varieties, your chances of getting an excellent toy that won’t cause irritation or allergic reaction are drastically increased. So, while those other types of lube have their merits for certain things, they’re probably not best for pussy pumpage. Look at the kind of lube you like and make sure the toys’ materials and your skin are both compatible.

Your Tolerance Level 

First of all, realize that no two pussy pumps are alike. The same can be said about the vagina in general. Your pleasure plateau may be higher or lower than someone else’s, and many of today’s top pussy pumps produce extremely intense sensations. Fortunately, you can always buy a device with various settings to try out, which is an especially good idea if you’re unfamiliar with your body. Either way, I suggest knowing what the ole gal downstairs can handle before forking over any cash.

Your Love Life 

Not everyone is as lame as me and needs a whole fleet of sex toys to make it through the day. However, owning a pussy pump means considering how it might fit in to your regularly scheduled program. Unlike me, you might only use your pussy pump every now and then when push comes to shove. That doesn’t mean your love life habits won’t matter, especially since a good pussy pump is a great addition to any couple’s routine.

Your Budget

Knowing how much money you want to spend ahead of time is a great place to be. It allows you to determine whether you’re being too zealous about a purchase and also helps you compare different products based on a relatively important factor. However, keeping too tight of a grip on your purse will not help you here. While pussy pump prices vary widely, the good ones are usually more expensive and the less expensive models are usually not even worth the time of day.

Everyone jumped on the pump when they found out how much women liked them. We now have eager manufacturers slapping together basic components and calling it a premium pussy pump, selling otherwise worthless products to uninformed but well-meaning consumers. The result has been disastrous for the pussy pump world. There are way too many gals who either 1) haven’t ever heard of a pussy pump 2) mistakenly think they’re silly because of bad experience or 3) believe they know what a good product is because they’ve been convinced by a brand’s marketing team. Don’t be so damn naïve, girls.

Why a Pussy Pump Though?

A pussy pump, sometimes called a clitoral pump, is one of the best things to be invented since sliced bread. Fun Fact #1: Some women find powerful pussy pumps intimidating. So, if you’re looking at these things thinking to yourself, “I’m not sure I can handle it,” you’re on the right track. At least you understand the fact that pussy pumps don’t play. In my experience, an orgasm that’s way too intense can almost be painful.

On the other hand, they say masturbation is the key to a long and happy life. Ok, nobody says that except for me, but I’m pretty sure it can at least make your bad days seem less shitty. One of my favorite quotes by Sigmund Freud goes: “The only shame in masturbation is the shame of not doing it well.” I think that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to say here. An intelligently cultivated pussy pump can generate the kind of orgasms that women like me don’t even know exist until our tits start to sag. There are a few good reasons for that too. Here they are:

REASON NUMERO UNO: Pussy pumps not only suck the user’s clit into submission but they also make the entire vaginal area a lot more sensitive to touch. With the right tactics you can increase the amount of pleasure you get from your new toy even when you’re not using it. I like to use mine just before having sex as a way to get my first nut out of the way and make my pussy ready to receive the D.

REASON NUMBER TWO: A well-proportioned pussy pump with the right features can serve as a terrific crutch during solo masturbation shows for or with your partner. Many people like to engage in a little self-gratification in front of their lover, AKA: A mutual masturbation that tends to be a hit among voyeurs who enjoy a good view. And although most pussy pumps cover the greater part of the vaginal area, the moans and groans that follow a session can be very sexy to watch.

REASON NUMBER THREE: If used correctly, a pussy pump with enough power can create a swollen vulva that some people happen to find very attractive. Don’t believe me? There’s actually an entire category of porn dedicated to enlarged vaginas from pussy pumping. In fact, there are a few times I might have been able to star in one of those myself. Pussy pumping and the subsequently swollen vag is attractive because it highlights all the details of the vulva while making the clitoris more readily available, aiding some partners tremendously during sex and foreplay.

REASON NUMBER FOUR: For some, the right pussy pump settings and usage habits can make their vagina feel a little tighter upon entry. It works like this: A swollen vulva makes the orifice (or entry) shrink in circumference. In the same way that a swollen esophagus makes it hard to swallow food, a swollen vagina will make it hard to swallow dick. The temporary increase in tightness can help some lovers achieve a better orgasm, not to mention it can make the woman feel sexier and more desirable.

REASON NUMBER FIVE: Pussy pumps are an ideal tool for safe and arousing BDSM play. A good pump attached to the right pussy can do your bidding without causing injury. Whether you’re the wearer or it’s your partner’s turn, there’s nothing quite like having the power to induce pain and pleasure or make your lover feel vulnerable, governed or embarrassed. With a device that has plenty of user-friendly features, you get to be in control of the situation from start to finish with or without your partner’s permission.

Owning a pussy pump means more than understanding the reasons why they’re so awesome, however. You must also know how take care of one. Because the vagina is such a delicate organ, proper sex toy maintenance is of the upmost importance. So, if you don’t know how to properly care for your new device, make sure you do your homework or prepare yourself for a terrible outcome. Before spending any dough on a new pump, make sure you’ve invested in the following items first:

  • A good lubricant that’s compatible with your skin type
  • A hypoallergenic toy cleaning solution that works with several different materials
  • A storage container or pouch, preferably waterproof or water-resistant
  • A spare set of sheets for your bed

You may think I’m joking about the sheet thing but I’m not. Pussy pumps are designed to stimulate the clitoris using intense suction action and that’s exactly what it takes for most women to squirt. So, if you use these devices as intended you’ll have to change the sheets after each session. Or, you could just be like me and keep a tarp under your bed. Just kidding, I don’t keep a tarp under the bed. I never take it off.

The Top 6 Ways to Tell If That Pussy Pump Is Worth It or Not

You’re probably wondering why I’ve grown up to be such a pervert who spends so much time playing with toys in bed. Well, it all began back when I received my first dildo as a gag gift for a friend’s bachelorette party. Laughing like an innocent school girl, I knew right then and there what I would be doing when everybody went home. That night, my love affair for all things privately perverted began and I’ve been on the hunt of the best sex toys ever since.

My obsession has driven me into some of the weirdest and darkest places on Earth, but it’s also taken me to the heights of pleasure. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly, and this is what I’ve come back to report. Below are the top 6 things you should look at or consider when shopping for your first (or next) pussy pump:

The Cup Size 

Pussy pumps are made with a specialized suction cup that gets attached to your vagina. It sucks on your clit until you take it off and its power can usually be adjusted with the touch of a button. However, the size and shape of those cups can vary widely between models, even those made from the same company. Check out the cup size to make sure it will fit your body. Otherwise, that pussy pump you’ve got in your shopping cart will end up being little more than a reverse oxygen tank with no benefit whatsoever.

The Suction Power

And speaking of adjustable power settings, be sure to find out how much juice that pussy pump is working with. Some are designed to be extremely powerful, while others are made more for beginners. Pick out the wrong one and you’ll be sorry. Pick out the right one and you’ll feel sexy. For a fool-proof approach to choosing a good pump, look for one that has a large variety of power settings so you can work your way up or down the scale at your own pace.

The Pump

You’re bound to find that most of today’s pussy pumps require manual pumping to induce suction. However, some may come with a manual pumping mechanism, although those options aren’t nearly as customizable as a hand pump. Think about which one you’d prefer and go for it, but remember: Hand pumps don’t break as easily as the components in an automatic pump, but automatic pumps can be way more powerful and they allow you to enjoy a hands-free experience. Decisions, decisions.

The Function Settings

Modern-day pussy pumps will come with a bunch of different settings to explore. Know what you’re looking for ahead of time so you don’t get wrapped up in a clever marketing scheme. Basically, all you need is a pump with plenty of suction power. However, vibration patterns and pulsations never hurt anybody. Depending on what you want and need, there’s likely a pussy pump out there for you. Still, don’t forget the value of practicality (although practicality will seldom get you off). If all else fails, opt for a high-tech pump with lots of bells and whistles and then just use the ones you like the most. After all, it’s better to have too much than no enough.

The Materials

Not all pussy pumps are made with the same features, nor are they all made from the same materials. Remember that silicone toys will work best with all skin types but can only be used with water-based lube. On the other hand, polycarbonate, TPE and latex-based toys can be used with oil-based and/or oil-based lubricants. Like I said, use your skin type and any existing allergy concerns as the basis for this. It makes no sense to buy a good sex toy if the lube you have to use with it makes you break out in hives.

The Comfort Features

Lat but not least, don’t forget to look at the various features designed for user comfort. A good pussy pump will have things like sturdy and adjustable straps, a cushioned cup liner that increases the air-tightness of the device, and an ergonomic shape that will fit perfectly between your legs. If it doesn’t have any of those things but still has all the other features you’re looking for, so what? You won’t enjoy using it long enough to experience any of those wonderful features anyway. See what I’m saying?

The Three Kings: My Favorite Pussy Pumps

In a world that’s filled with sex toys that all claim to give you the best orgasm of your life, there’s only one way to find the device that’s right for you. It won’t take marketing ploys and it doesn’t involve any specific number of features. If you use this buying guide and follow all the steps I’ve laid before you, there’s no amount of clandestine cleverness that can win you over. In the meantime, check out these three pussy pumps that I believe are the current cream of the crop:

BEST OVERALL: The Vibrating Silicone Pussy Pump with Teasing Ticklers

This powerful pussy pump is the mother of all multitaskers. Not sure what will feel the best when masturbating with one of these things? The VSP has enough options to have you discovering the ticket in no time. It’s a vibrator, a pussy pump and a clit tickler all in one. Ergonomically shaped to hug the curves of your body, this skin-safe silicone sex toy uses a single-speed bullet vibrator to prime the pussy, suction to make it sensitive, and ticklers to finish the job. Powered by a conveniently customizable hand pump, this 24.5-inch long device comes with a 17.5-inch long hose for improved movement and safety.

PRO: The palm-sized bulb comes with a quick-release valve and the entire contraption is submersible in water.

CON: The vibration functions take one AA battery which is not included. I found that out the hard way.

BEST FOR CLITS: The Crystal Clear Clitoris and Nipple Pump Set

In general, clit pumps are much smaller than your standard pussy pump but the effects are still the same. Concentrating solely on the clitoris, the Crystal Clear measures about 1 inch in diameter and can tantalize and enlarge the clitoris within minutes. It features a pair of see-through chambers that can also be used to stimulate the nipples as well. And the narrow 2-foot hose is a tip of the hat towards versatility. The vacuum can be increased gradually with the convenient hand pump and of course there’s a quick-release valve. This bad girl, however, is made from PVC (not silicone) so keep in that mind.

PRO: It really hit home where suction and enhanced stimulation matter most, plus it can be used on several other parts of the body (and not just the nipples either, hint hint).

CON: The hand pump isn’t that impressive and the quick release valve is located at the top of the chamber, oddly enough.

BEST FOR BEGINNERS: The Doc Johnson Pussy Pump

The Doc Johnson Pink Pussy Pump is what beginners use to learn how pussy pumps work. Its thick, air-tight suction cup is shaped just right for the average female body, and its long hose with attached quick-release valve makes the whole thing convenient, safe and easy to use. This pump itself is particularly good for beginners because it doesn’t get as intense as some of the others, plus the DJP is relatively lightweight, compact and somewhat attractive looking (because newbies still care about that stuff). It doesn’t do anything fancy like vibrate or tickle the vaginal region, which is one of its most redeeming qualities given the fact that it allows the user to become comfortable with pussy pumps before adventuring out into Naked Neverland.

PRO: It features a no-kink hose to make a beginner’s experience as seamless as possible.

CON: Some of its rudimentary features may not suffice for more experienced users.

The End Game

The general purpose of using a pussy pump is to enjoy the many wonderful side effects it provides, not ponder over its many features (or lack thereof). Basically, the vacuum is supposed to make labial and clitoral tissues swell, thereby encouraging better blood flow in that area and in turn making the skin there a lot more sensitive to the touch. Regardless of how amazing a product looks, nothing is going to be perfect. But, there’s certainly a pussy pump out there that’s just right for your not-so-voluptuous vajeen.

What matters most is that the product you ultimately buy has the features and functionality that you need for you and/or your partner to have a satisfying sexual experience (hopefully more than once). If that requires a vibrating, tickling, textured pussy pump with a 2-foot non-kink hose and a palm-sized hand pump with a convenient quick-release valve, then so be it. This is between your legs, I mean, between you and your pussy. Don’t let too much curiosity kill your cat.