One Week

My birthday is in one week. I never make a big deal out of it. Even when I turned 21, I didn’t – it ended up being a huge snowstorm that night, and the bars all closed super early or never even opened. So, I did a shot of shitty vodka with two of my friends at midnight and everyone went to bed.

And I like it that way. It makes me uncomfortable when people make a big deal out of anything in my life in general, from birthdays to other achievements. But I’m not going to lie; it feels good when people remember. I think everyone out there likes when someone thinks about them.

This year, I’m making my birthday special, in part because I don’t want to be sad. I’m visiting friends in multiple states on a nearly week-long birthday roadtrip. I talked before on this site why turning 25 makes me upset-ish…and even though I KNOW it is nonsense, there’s still this feeling of wishing I could be something more than I am, be at a different place in life.

So, I’m going to try to put that out of my mind, hopefully with a lot of tequila and rum. I’ll be celebrating with nearly all of the people I consider to be friends. Some, like my high school friends, I’ll see during the roadtrip. Others, like my best friend and V, will be waiting here at home when I get back.

But there are three people I want to hear from on my birthday, because I won’t see them. Unfortunately, I know that none of these three men will contact me.

Man #1 won’t because he doesn’t exist. Every year, I somehow dream that he would exist again, but that man…sigh. That man is dead. He was never really alive to start. The man he really was haunts my most terrifying nightmares.

Man #2 won’t because he’s stubborn. He’ll want to, but he won’t because he cares more about himself than he does about me. I think he always did. And in all honesty…it might not cross his mind that it’s my birthday unless maybe he logs onto MySpace. I’m just not important to him anymore.

Man #3 won’t because he’ll be too scared. He’ll think that I’ll use his calling me to catapult back into his life. And really, that’s if he even remembers. Once, he promised me that he would…but I guess I know in my heart that for him, the day will just pass and he won’t give it another thought. And that’s not in a malicious way, not like with Man #2. It’s just a fact of life. You forget people.

I would give anything to talk to any of these three men on my birthday, especially this year, even if they never contact me again after that. Of all the people I’ve met in my life, these are the three that have changed me the most, in some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. I wish Man #1 would call and say, “Wake up! It was all a dream!” and I wish Man #2 would call and say, “I’m sorry for all the times I’ve hurt you. I’m working on being a better person because of you.”

And Man #3? All I’d like to hear him say is “Happy Birthday.” That’s all. Even if he hangs up on me afterward, or even if he just texts me, that would be enough. I guess…it would just be nice to know that it wasn’t all lip service, that I really did matter in his life. That he – that all of them – cared, even a little.

Beyond what I’ve listed here, they’ll all have other reasons for not calling. They’ll all talk themselves out of it if they remember the date in the first place. So, at midnight, after they haven’t called, I’ll drink a beer for each of them, and just try to remember that what is most important is the people who do choose to celebrate with me, not the people who don’t.