As you may have noticed, I removed the #1 spot on the 2010 list. I didn’t move everyone up a spot, because I feel like that would be unfair and it wasn’t my original intention for everyone to be a rank higher. So, that means there’s no #1 for 2010.
But let’s talk about why.
People have been throwing accusations around for a fairly long time that “Alexa” at Real Princess Diaries was actually not a sex worker and was lying about her/his identity. And you know what? I still enjoyed the site. So did a lot of other people. I don’t lie about who I am here, but my identity as “Rori” isn’t my whole identity, that’s for sure. I keep a lot private and yes, I’ve fictionalized some things about my sex life or relationships or past. I think most sex bloggers do.
So when people started coming to me with concerns that Alexa didn’t deserve the number one spot, I brushed it off. I hadn’t heard about this drama in the past. Hey, I’m not a detective and when a blog gets nominated for this list, if it isn’t in the last 10 posts or so, there’s a good chance that I won’t know about any accusations, drama, etc. going on associated with the blogger. Frankly, this isn’t some kind of professional list. I’m just a sex blogger who likes other sex bloggers, so I make an annual list of good ones that y’all should check out. In case you haven’t noticed, when there’s drama happening in this blogging niche, I’m very rarely around. I tend to stay out of things.
Anyway, back to the issue at hand…
I don’t care if you make up a fictional personality for your online site. Seriously, flat out lie to me if that makes you happy. I don’t really care. It’s just erotica and sex toy reviews and the like.
But I do care when there are very, very real accusations against you about underage interactions. This was something that NO ONE complaining about Alexa as #1 ever brought up to me (Unless it was in the huge list of links somewhere, written in a story at some point. I gave up on reading all the links people sent me.). Every referred to her/him as a fraud, content thief, etc…but sex sites involving children are a completely different story. That’s something that makes me sick to my stomach. Please note: if you did mention this in your email to me at some point yesterday, I’m sorry that I missed it. I recieved over 100 emails regarding not just Alexa but the list in general, so it’s entirely possible that I missed this information in someone’s email. For that I’m sorry.
And I’m a big believer of “innocent until proven guilty” – but it seems as though Alexa has taken Real Princess Diaries offline, with a statement that it will not be back…so that makes my job really easily. I don’t need to get to the bottom of this. You can’t be on my top sex bloggers list if you don’t have a sex blog.
Again, I know a lot of you are upset that “Alexa” isn’t a real person, but for me, that was never the issue. My list was about good writing, sites I enjoyed visiting, blogs I found entertaining. Me removing her as #1 is about something much deeper, something that was finally brought to my attention in combination with her removing her site, which is to me a statement that she doesn’t want to defend herself or tell her side of the story.
Also, I still fully stand behind what I posted yesterday as a response to the list fall out. 1) I don’t like to take sides when two people are giving different versions of the same story, especially when I don’t know either person. 2) I’m not going to move someone higher on the list because they update more often. 3) I don’t care if you’re more popular, this isn’t a popularity contest. 4) I respect your right to your own opinion. Please respect mine. Make your own list of top bloggers if you don’t agree with me – that only makes the community stronger!
But if you’ve reposted this list on your own site, please remove the #1 spot and link to this post instead. After a lot of soul-searching, I feel like it’s the right thing to do.
Feel free to discuss this in the comments below, but as always, please be respectful. Disagreeing is always ok. Name-calling is not.
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After being offline for a couple of days, I was startled to see that Alexa was gone. This is the second time she’s shut down her site (yes, she is a she, and yes she does exist and is who she claims to be) and alas, I suspect it’ll be final. Y’know, we “erotics” are actually a pretty small community — I’m a longtime writer and online editor — and it pains me to see jealousy, mobbing, and the active intent to do someone harm crop up in our sex-positive world. Alexa’s gone, I’m quite sure, because she leaked a few too many clues to her existence here and there in her blogging, and with the latest round of attacks felt her “real world” existence was genuinely threatened, from her current livelihood to her future career. Several of her essays were among the best sex education and advocacy on the Web. Their loss shames us all.
I really don’t know anything about this. I’m just wondering how these rumors of her being a fake got started – it seems like someone was just incredibly jealous.
I would say that the probability that Alexa is real is very low. There are just too many things that just don’t make sense about the story, including the fact that Alexa basically pimped out the same guy to a number of ladies using different names.
For more info, see:
http://exposeabro-alexa.blogspot.com/
http://www.justcallmeten.com/2010/10/first-post-its-a-doozy/
And one more:
http://www.formspring.me/willfulenslaved/q/1406839821?utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter&utm_campaign=shareanswer
Sorry, Bill, but I beg to differ…and I was one who defended “Alexa” even to the point of posting long tweets to that effect.
You might have loved “her” erotica or “her” discussions on sex work and porn…but the evidence plainly shows that in the end, it WASN’T “hers”; it was stolen from real sex workers whom “Alexa” manipulated and used to build “her” fake persona.
As much as I would have liked to believe that the accusations were just sheer jealousy at “her” success, the mounting evidence seems to prove otherwise: that this was a very sick man who basicaly invented “Alexa” as a “fuck me free” card and to vicariously live out his personal fantasies. Nothing wrong with that….as long as you are honest and open and transparent about it. When you fake yourself to be such an “sexpert” and use your forum to give out dangerous information and use so many real and active sex workers like that,then your credibility as a sex blogger is subject to accountability.
The people who nominated and voted for Red Princess Diaries under the guise that this was a legitimate sex blog and that “Alexa diCarlo” was indeed what “she” was are entitled to a revote and second guess their vote. No matter how much you may have loved the blog, it was created under false impressions.
Another thing…if you are going to do a ranking of “Top 100 Sex Blogs”, then isn’t it responsible on your part to actually investigate the blogs to see if they meet the criteria for integrity and authenticity?? Of course, it’s your blog and your rankings….but why just flip off the legitimate accusations put forth by credible people warning about the fakeness of “Alexa” from the very beginning last year?
Oh…and if you say that you will allow differences of opinion, then why are the first two approved comments more like endorsements of “Alexa”…or, even. sockpuppets?? Indeed, it could even be assumed that BTS is as much a part of Bohannon’s sick and twisted ruse, if not another invention of Bohannan himself. The people who raised the issue are not “jealous” at all; they are serious bloggers who simply don’t like being played to and lied to and used. They deserve their right to defend themselves as much as “Alexa” or Pat Bohannon do…provided that the latter are in fact innocent.
Anthony
I had no idea about the controversy until I read this. I totally agree with your viewpoint, Rori: (1) sex blogs should be judged on quality regardless of whether the author is hiding his/her identity; (2) absolutely no support of underage sex sites (with the exception, I hope you’ll agree, of sites aimed at providing minors with good sexuality information and understanding of their own urges); and (3) if the site no longer exists, it can’t be on the “best” list.
I love the winners’ list (I love being on it, but I’d love it if I weren’t), which leads me to sites I never knew and others I had forgotten to check in with for a while. You do a great service, Rori. Please accept my thanks.
Now I’m going to use your affiliate link to buy some stuff on Amazon.
Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and the upcoming Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.
Join us — we’re talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.NakedAtOurAge.com
I need to add that blogs that steal content or manipulate the writers should be outed and condemned. If that’s true about Alexa’s site, that’s reason enough to reject it, and I appreciate Anthony’s information. However, I wish he hadn’t drifted into a condemnation of BTS, because that’s absolutely uncalled for.
FYI, Rori, the affiliate link led me to a shopping cart with items I didn’t want and no way to change it to a search for what I did want. Are you sure you gave us the right link?
Joan Price
Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and the upcoming Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex.
Join us — we’re talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.NakedAtOurAge.com
Anthony, The first two comments listed here are the first two that were left that were actually respectful. I can’t *make* people comment on my site! The only rule I have, which I state clearly, is “no name calling.” If people on either side of the argument can’t follow that one simple rule, their comments don’t get posted.
It was never about clipping off accusations. For everyone else it seems, this has been gong on since last year. For me it has not. I choose not to be super connected in the sex blog world because I enjoy the other work I do more. No one brought it up to me when Alexa was nominated and in reading the last several posts on people’s blogs, no one mentioned it. I would be happy to do investigations on every single blog nominated if someone paid me to do it. As it stands, there aren’t enough hours in the day.
For the record, the Alexa debate was one of FOUR issues people had with the list this year. All are legitimate issues, but at the end of the day, this is my list. I have to do what I feel is right.
I agree – people have the right to defend themselves. Again, I can’t *make* people leave comments. I think most people have moved the debate to their own blogs, which is perfectly fine.
Someone else made a very thoughtful comment, but it got stuck in the spam filter, and then I accidentally emptied before I moved it. I’m extremely sorry about that, because I really did want to post it and respond! They brought up the issue of this being a bad thing to move back to being less of a community effort and more just my list again. They also suggested that I get the list its own URL, hire some people to help, etc.
Regardless of the financial problems with that, I honestly don’t think a subjective list like this can be a community effort. Like I’ve mentioned, the Alexa thing was one of four problems people had with the list. Some judges were extremely mad because blogs they ranked high were low on the list and vice versa. That’s what happens when you average things – if someone gives a blog a 10 and someone else gives a blog a 1, their overall ranking is 5. So it makes it feel like the judges scores are for nothing.
I never intended this list to be some kind of expert opinion on the best bloggers in the community. I’ve always stated – it is *my* list. I’ve always encouraged people to do one of their own. People don’t, I suspect, because it takes a lot of time and deliberation, and there’s inevitably a falling out every year. But I definitely believe that going back to a list that is purely mine is the best choice for my original intent. It’s always been about promoting blogs I like and giving people a way to break the ice when commenting on other sites. I don’t like that it has become something more, and I don’t want to continue encouraging that.
And yes, finances do matter. Unless someone wants to pay me a salary to do it, there’s no way I can afford to spend even more time on this list. I’m a freelancer and I have to do work that pays my rent. I hope you all can understand that.
The question was also raised in this comment as to why I don’t list criteria. I do. Every year, the nominations post has a long list of criteria and if the blogs nominated don’t meet that criteria, they don’t get judged.
If you’re the person who left this comment, once again, I’m so sorry it got deleted!!! I hope I responded to all of your questions/concerns here, but feel free to comment again and I’ll keep a better eye on my spam filter.
Joan,
Thanks for your input!
Once you’ve on Amazon’s site through my link, you can go to whatever Amazon page you want just by typing in amazon.com. It saves your IP information (for 30 days I believe). Most affiliate problems work that way – once you get to a site through a link, it gives the person credit for several days if you make a purchase, unless you click on someone else’s link in the meantime.
All righty…I appreciate the response, and I will retract and strike my more strident statements directed at BTS. My apologies for that.
I still think that those like Debauched Domestic Diva, AAG, and other bloggers who were protesting the inclusion of RPD should be allowed to repost their comments as a means of maintaining a balanced criticism.
As for the development of the list itself: I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be a Top 100 Sex Bloggers List, or even that you shouldn’t have the right to set your own criteria for quality standards as to who should or shouldn’t make that list. All I’m saying is that the standards should be transparent and fair, and should reflect an openness to all points of view regarding credibility and authenticity.
Anthony
Anthony,
Not everyone who asked to be removed from the list did so out of concern for the Alexa issue. Like I said, there were multiple things people did not support about the list this year. So please do not assume that anyone who is not linked in the list was standing in protest of Alexa being at #1. This is not always the case.
In addition, most people did not leave comments but rather have been talking to me through email. I’m happy to post any comment, even ones critical of me, that do not name-call. Since day one, I haven’t deleted any comments on either side of the argument unless they didn’t follow that one rule.
I agree that there should be transparent and fair standards. I post the criteria on my blog every year, and am happy to discuss judging in more detail to anyone who asks. I’m totally open to all points of view regarding credibility and authenticity. I just don’t always agree. Perhaps that’s where my mistake was this year. In not agreeing, it came off as me saying, “your opinions are not valid.” That was never my intention, and I’m sorry that happened.
Glad you followed the conversation to see my reply! So many people leave long, critical comments and then never stick around to see any kind of reply. I enjoy conversation and debate, not blasting people anonymously.
There’s one thing that you can’t count on with judges, and I learned this from doing elust (back when I let all participants vote) – it is REALLY difficult to get everyone to vote without prejudice. I know for a fact that when I had participants voting, they did not read even half of the entries and I would time and again see some people just voting for their friends.
IMO if you get both a 10 and a 1 vote for a site, that should right there signal something fishy about the judge’s personal feelings towards a blogger if their reasoning wasn’t valid, i.e the blog had stopped posting, was closed, etc. There are numerous lines drawn in this community, for numerous reasons.
I guess I’m seeing a bit of a clash here……you’re saying that the list is “for the community” and our benefit and so on, but then state that it’s your list, your overall picks. It can’t be both.
I even had to vote for a friend of mine and I did so with the best Switzerland mindset I had. I ignored the “friend” part and focused on the site.
I just don’t see the *need* for such lists anymore. There has to be a way to stop making it a popularity contest (and it very much as been) and a competition, if you’re intent on making a list. But again, I still think that if it’s going to be “your list” it should only be your input.
These lists are causing strife, and because you remove yourself from it, you’re not seeing it. Not just your list, but the “best sex toy reviewer” one, too. Notice how they didn’t repeat that.
drama, drama, drama. Bummer that there has to be so much when involving awesome stuff such as sex and erotica. And I completely agree with you when it comes to children. Makes me sick.
I just want to say thanks for posting your lists. I love finding new people!!
I’m sitting here with my jar wide open in utter shock about all of this. Wow, I can’t even come up with any thing else to say except…DAMN!
Lilly, Thanks for your comment! You know, in the case of the vote for 10 and 1, I approached both judges to ask for reasoning because it seemed weird to me too…and honestly, I think they were both valid. I would argue that the rating of 1 should have been a 2 instead, but still – it’s not a fail-proof objective system. What one person likes, another person may hate.
I agree with you in that if I’m going to call it my list it needs to be just my input. That’s why I’m going back to doing it that way from now on. I’ve never made it a popularity contest, personally – it has always been just about what I like to read. I think that I can definitely be *just* “my list” and still a good thing for the community, though. Every year, I get people saying “thanks for introducing me to so-and-so. So I definitely think it can be both my list and beneficial to the community.
And to be clear, the community I’m talking about is not the sex blogger community. I’m talking about my community of readers. Yes, that does include some sex bloggers, but the overwhelming majority are not sex bloggers themselves. I don’t do this for the sex blogger community. I do this for the reader community. My readership likes to find new sites, so I try to provide that every year.
Some of the strife lists like this cause are absolutely legitimate and unintentional on my part. Other times, it is a case of someone being hurt that they (or a friend) were not ranked higher. To that second group of people, I say this: why not take a critical look at your site and see where you can improve? Whether we’re ranked #1 or not even on a list at all, we can ALL improve. And, at the end of the day, does being on my list really matter? If you’re doing something you believe in and have your fans supporting you, one blog list shouldn’t derail you from moving forward.
I’ll just say in closing that I keep encouraging people to make lists of their favorite sex bloggers. A few people have done that already, and I think the more who do, the better! It’s all about promoting awesome people you enjoy, not worrying whether or not someone else things you’re cool.
Completely unrelated to the topic at hand, but you haven’t linked to the 2010 list here:
http://www.betweenmysheets.com/index.php/sex-bloggers-list-faq
Sorry to being it up, but thought you ought to know!
I fully support and appreciate your right to run your site the way you see fit…afterall, isn’t that what blogs are supposed to be about?
I found you through a mention on someone’s twitter and was excited to read your list and visit your favorites. My goodness, who would have thought there would be so much drama amongst sex bloggers – I assumed they would be much less judgemental and easy going. A couple of years back, I was just starting to learn and enjoy sex blogs and all of a sudden there was major drama and it ruined it for me. And now I see it again and it seems to be the same few that started the last drama I read about.
I don’t know them, but I know people like them…let’s tear everyone down to make ourselves feel more important. I for one used to read one blogger all the time…but just removed her from my favorites because I cannot take her self rightous, condemnation of all but her inner circle…the same inner circle who turned on another blogger…what comes around goes around.
Anyway, I am glad I found your site and have enjoyed reading your posts and thank you for shining light on others that I may find enjoyable. I fully support and appreciate your right to run your site the way you see fit…afterall, isn’t that what blogs are supposed to be about? Have a lovely evening!
I ended up looking at the list because of a link by someone listed –needless to say I was curious about what would be a list topper. Then I read all this. Honestly people, as a third party reader, I’ve got to say that this –all of this– comes off as a storm in a teacup. Then again, that’s a classic trap in online niches. I just hope none of this affects you all when you’re offline. If it does, it might be time to rethink priorities.
I’m not sure I even want to know, except to say that frauds do not surprise me. But I’m interested in how your list is compiled, when your own blog links aren’t even updated. There are at least two dead blogs in your list.
Hey there! I just wanted to know that I’m linking to your from mine. Hope that’s okay with you!
I’ve just got here… and can’t believe all this bollocks.
I clicked on the link to their site ‘exposing’someone.
It must have taken them hours, days of work !
Like why bother ?
Who cares ?
Why didn’t they write something constructive ?
Haven’t read any of Alexa’s stuff (male or female)
and it looks like I’m not going to be able to,
thanks to the puritans and vigilantes.