“Hi, how are ya?”
“Ok.”
“How are you doing?”
“Fine.”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
Ever notice how we give these stock answers 99% of the time? It’s almost like a reflex. I’m Ok. Yeah, I’m fine. Nothing is new in my life.
We’re not always ok or fine or up to nothing. Sometimes, there is a lot going on in our lives. So why, then, do we give people these answers? Because we don’t want to share? Because we don’t want to burden them? Because it’s what they want to hear? Or have we, as a society, simply given up?
Let me change gears for a moment. There are people who thrive on being a victim. You know the type. They love collecting pity. They’re dramatic and upset all the time. They’re always the victim, and they play the part well. Somehow, I fell into this victim role last year, even though I didn’t want it.
Over the past month, through being able to talk to someone, I realized something, and I know that I said I wasn’t going to analyze things with him anymore, but allow me this post, dear readers, because it’s an important thing that I’ve come to learn. The Cowboy was creating a victim mentality in me. It was so very unhealthy, and I don’t think he meant to do it. In fact, I believe fully that it isn’t something he realized he was doing. Maybe it made him feel good, to think that he could take care of me? I’m not sure. But it did happen.
What I have realized is that 99% of our conversations turned to how one of my ex-boyfriends sucked or people made fun of me in school or various other problems in my life in the past. In other words, our conversations always led to me talking about how I was some kind of victim. It didn’t start like that, but in the final month or so or talking with him, that’s what it became. I even remember mentioning once that it was odd that he brought up my exes all the time. Most guys would rather cut out their tongues then talk about past relationships.
While it may be true that bad things have happened to me, in relationships and otherwise, I’m not a victim. Bad things happen to everyone. You move on and hopefully learn from it a little.
And talking to him, I got stuck in this ugly rut of dependence. Through our conversations, I would start to feel like a victim. They’d always end on a good note though – The Cowboy was in my life, so things didn’t have to be bad anymore. Yes, I did deserve better. Yes, I was going to find a better life. Yay! But then, I’d panic when I couldn’t talk to him about even the smallest sad or bad feeling I was having, because it was him who I turned to in order to “fix” problems…and he started to resent that, because that wasn’t the girl he met and it put a lot of pressure on him.
The truth was, things weren’t bad before he was in my life. I didn’t need him to save me from anything. Sure, I wanted to find that someone special but in general, my life was pretty good. That’s the girl he met. And really, that’s who I am.
I just fed off of the attention. He gave me attention when he felt sorry for me in some way, and I trusted him enough to start telling him more and more about my life, good and bad. But for some reason, he always focused on the bad, making it seem like “oh, now that I’m in your life, things are never going to be like that again.” And that’s a good thing to know…but it’s really unhealthy when that is the basis for your entire friendship.
This post sounds a bit like I’m blaming him. I’m not; at least, that’s not my intention. I should have stopped it from the start. There’s a difference between being a sub and being a victim, and I think maybe he has the two confused a little. I know better. I should have never let it happen like it did. Thinking about it, from what little he spoke of other people in his life, I suspect that he treats everyone this way to some degree. He likes to take care of the important people in his life. It’s admirable, but at the same time, it can be a bad thing if you’re creating problems that don’t exist or encourage people to depend on you.
Plus, the only way I knew how to respond was to try to take care of him too. And he hated that. I don’t even think I did anything that care-taker-y…but even wanting to return how he treated me made him uncomfortable. He hated feeling like some kind of victim, even though he happily stuck me in that box.
It’s a shame, really. I feel like there’s so much that he never got to know about me because he just focused on the negative. It’s really special to share the bad things that have happened to you, to trust someone that way…I just wish he saw that I was a stronger person, and a happier person because I went through them and made it to the other side without him or an ex or anyone. I wish he wanted to know the good things about Rori as much as he wanted to know the bad things about her. I wish it wouldn’t have always circled back to what was wrong in my life, because our conversations were just magnifying tiny little things that didn’t matter at all in the long run.
I’m ok. For real. I’m fine. Honestly. And there’s nothing wrong in my life. Ok. Fine. Nothing. Sometimes, that’s the truth, sometimes there’s nothing more to read into it. Do I miss him? Of course. Do I wish he’d come back in my life? Absolutely. But I really am ok…whether he wants to be here or not.
And maybe, until he figures out that he can care about someone without treating her like a victim…well, maybe it’s for the best than he’s not.
A small disclaimer before I leave for the night…please always remember that what you read here is one “side” of the story. The Cowboy, along with all of the other men I talk about on this blog, don’t have a voice here, and their experience are probably very different from my own. That doesn’t make my account less true. Just incomplete.
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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Do you think perhaps there may be some sort of conflict between two “submissive” personalities re: you and Cowboy? It seems from reading this that you’re both perhaps empaths which can be difficult to manage in any relationship.