My Mom

So, my mom and I have a very odd relationship. In some ways, we’re very, very close. In other ways, we’re not. We hang out like best friends and rarely argue, but at the same time, we never had “the talk” when I was growing up, and I could certainly never tell her about the fact that I’m a sub. She comes from an older generation, living in a rural place where seeing someone who isn’t white is still strange.

Today, I called my mom. All of the horrible-ness over the past day just can spilling out. This guy in my life, she didn’t know ANYTHING about him. I general don’t talk to my parents about people in my life right away. She knew there was someone in my life making me happy, but she didn’t know anything about him, not even his name.

And it just gushed out to her on the phone.

My mom isn’t someone I call when I’m upset. I just don’t. She’s seen me cry maybe once before (other than at like, funerals and such). She knows I get upset, but she keeps her distance. She doesn’t really know how to handle things or make me feel better, in general. It makes her uncomfortable.

I don’t know why I called her. I just felt so lonely, and no matter what, my mom can’t leave me, right? I meant to just call and have a conversation about an upcoming visit, just to keep my mind off of things, but suddenly I just started crying. She asked me questions about him. She asked how we met and what that was like. She asked what happened in the weeks leading up to today. She asked me why I cared about him and what reasons I had for trusting him. And then she just listened. She listened to me cry and get angry and laugh at myself for being so lame.

And then she said something that put things into perspective for me. I’m paraphrasing, but this is what she said:

“Rori, I don’t know him, but I do know that no one is perfect. And I don’t understand what happened anymore than you do, but people take their own time with things. Some people are just more mature than others. He could be the most responsible person in the world in terms of money, family duties, respect, and whatever, but that doesn’t make him a mature person emotionally, even if he thinks he is. The two of you? You’re both babies in this life, and you will learn a lot about yourselves over the next several years. It sounds like people really hurt him in the past and he’s taking that out on you. He’s afraid that you’re going to hurt him, and this is the only way he knows how to deal with it.

And one day, I think he’s going to grow as a person and realize that what he did wasn’t a good choice. He’ll realize that he left behind a really beautiful person that I raised right. Your dad and I raised you to really care about people, and I think once he grows up a little, he’ll be more open to understanding that and understanding what unconditional love really means…ya know, or maybe he won’t. Some people spend their entire lives scared and looking for the bad in people.

So just be patient with him and see what happens. He might be back someday, want you in his life again. I wish I could tell him how wonderful you are in a person’s life. I hope he will see it on his own someday, and I hope that when that time comes that he wants back in your life you’ll do what I raised you to do and forgive him. Even if it takes him ten years. You forgive him, Rori. Everyone makes mistakes, and this is a huge one that you don’t deserve. You did the right thing in fighting for a friendship that you believed in, even if he wasn’t willing or ready to fight back today and even if it made you seem crazy to him. One day, he’ll understand, and I hope when that happens he won’t be to proud to talk to you again. He honestly thinks he’s doing the best thing in life right now, but I think he’ll realize that this is not how you treat people you’ll care about

Don’t lose your passion for caring about people just because someone didn’t know how to respond to it. You know that it happens a lot – people don’t know how to respond to you. They grow up. They learn. Or they miss out on one of the best people they could ever hope for in life.”

I just couldn’t stop crying, because everything she said was right. I barely told her anything about him, and she just…knew. I guess that is a mom’s job.

And I think maybe that’s where I get some of my traits. After seeing how he made me feel, you’d think that, as a mother, she’s be PISSED and want to kill him. She isn’t and she doesn’t. She told me that she hopes with all her heart that he is my friend again someday and that someday she’ll get a chance to meet him and say “thanks for being such a positive person in my daughter’s life.” My mom knows that I don’t have many friends. In general, I just don’t let people get close to me. Even when I was a kid, I didn’t have many friends.

So she knows that the fact that I let someone into my life means that I really did care. She would never hate him unless I did. And in general, I don’t hate people. People have done a lot worse to me than he has, and that’s an understatement.

What she said just…made sense to me and made me not feel so sad. Maybe I should call her when I’m upset more often, huh?