Ok, no jet plane. I need to sell a few novels before I’m able to afford flights. But, getting into my car, that I can do.
And I need it.
I need a little vacation from life. I need to go laugh with some people who care about me, even though I’m sad inside. One weekend away isn’t going to change the fact that I’m painfully lonely. I know that. But at least it makes things a little more bearable. At least it gives me the push to get through the winter until I can start running again.
Running clears my head. It makes me less crazy. It’s the one thing that I can do for myself that really makes me feel good about who I am, even when the world is crumbling. When V and I broke up, I ran through it. The other people at the track probably thought I was nuts, this not-particularly-athletic girl, sprinting around the track and crying.
But it helps. I got through it.
I’ve been playing again (piano), which also helps and doesn’t depend on the weather. Before all the crappy, unnecessary drama of my life in January, I was practicing this piece I love to play for The Cowboy for Valentine’s Day. I rarely play for anyone anymore (that’s an understatement), but it was just a special part of me that I wanted to share with him. Today, I picked it back up again. I thought, what the hell, why not? Maybe someday I’ll get to play it for him, but if I don’t, that’s ok too. It’s still a piece I love to practice, and I like that it reminds me of him. Thinking of our friendship makes me smile, as depressing as that sounds.
It helps, the piano playing. In my own way, I’m working through it, working through all of shit in my life right now. I don’t have my life together, as much as I wish I did, and for once, I’m just kinda sitting back and saying, “And that’s ok.” I can’t be a perfect friend or girlfriend or sub. It’s time to stop pretending. I’m just not perfect, and people can either choose to be in my life or they can choose not to be in my life as I’m working through my problems. To be honest, I don’t really blame anyone for leaving. I’m not sure I would stick around if I was someone faced with a really difficult friendship with me.
And at this point, though he’s the only one I mention here, The Cowboy is not the only one who made the decision to leave in the past two months. There was a mass exodus of people from my life in the first months of 2010. Sigh. Maybe it’s a good thing. I keep telling myself that.
I’m rambling. The point of this post was to celebrate the fact that I have a distraction for the weekend, unless the impending threat of snow gets in my way. Even then, I’m going to try to find a window for driving. Because I need to. I really, really do.
Thank you to all of the wonderful readers who have supported me. The comments, the emails, and even just the lurking if you haven’t contacted me…it all means SO much. I initially wanted to make this blog a place where I could help other people work through their own issues with sexuality and dating, but it turned into this little speck of real estate online that just means so much to me. Here, I feel free, and that’s because of you guys. So, thank you.
I’m leaving on a jet plane…but if I have time, I’ll post a saucy little fantasy for ya’ll to go up while I’m away. If not, first thing when I return. Promise.
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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