Used?
Submission means so many things for so many people. Often, I see subs say that they’ve been used by their dom, and I’m sure I’ve even said that myself on occasion. But really, is "used" what we really want?
For some reason, the word "used" has a dirty connotation to me. I’ve been used before, and it is not fun or rewarding…it is objectifying. Maybe for some people, that is what submission is about.
But I tend to think that objectification and "being used" aren’t really the same thing either. I mean, there is something really primal and sexual about being objectified, but at the end of the day, if you are done so by people who don’t give a fuck about you, isn’t that just demeaning?
Point in case - say you’re in a submissive relationship and your dom asks you to serve as a topless hostess at a cocktail party. You’re very uncomfortable, humiliated even. At the end of the night though, your dom takes you home, wraps you in his arms, and you know you made him happy. His agenda doesn’t matter - you made him happy. So, he might be training you or maybe he just enjoys looking at your naked body or maybe he simply likes pushing you, showing off his dominance to others. You were used, but in a good way.
Same situation, but this time, your boss at work tells you that you’re going to be a topless hostess at a cocktail party. If you don’t do it, you lose your job. (Yeah, I know, this can’t happen, but roll with it here.) Maybe you get turned on by being objectified like that while you’re in the moment, especially with others staring at your body. However, your submission and objectification isn’t linked to anything or anyone. At the end of the night, you’re just being used by people who don’t care if you die tomorrow.
On some level, it is about consent, but on another level, it is about something more. Being used is what kills the spirit, but submitting to someone using you can make you feel alive for the first time.
I guess it is a matter of what happens after you are used. If you’re thrown away, that isn’t a healthy kind of submission. Stuff like that sucks the soul dry…
I, too, am having a hard time with it, for it is his fantasy but becoming mine. I’m not sure how I’ll handle it. He reminds me that he cares about me and respects me, and it will be a role played for the afternoon….not how he truly sees me.
October 8th, 2008 at 10:53 amLove the Blog!
October 10th, 2008 at 2:10 amJust added it to my recommendation list.
“Used” is not a dirty word to us but to some, I believe they hate the idea to be used. I am being used many times because I care and I do put others before me. Most of the time, I don’t mind being used, especially being used by my own wife in the bedroom *wink*
October 12th, 2008 at 8:52 pmI like being used sexually and in ways that I know please him. I do not want to be used as his kicktoy, his battering ram, or his whipping boy (for lack of a better term). I don’t want to be abused in a way that is going to cause me emotional or mental trauma. As my Sir, he is supposed to protect me from that.
Just my thoughts on the subject.
October 13th, 2008 at 2:26 pm