Domination - Feeling Safe
Recently, someone emailed me with what I think is a very important question - Do I feel safe during playtime with Daddy?
As you can guess, my answer is YES, ABSOLUTELY, but I think this question raises some pretty important questions about two types of safety - physical safety and mental safety.
In a good D/s relationship, there really needs to be both, but "mental" safety is a lot harder to achieve, I think. First let me just talk about physical safety for a moment. By this, I mean feeling secure and loved and in control. Well, sort of. The appeal of being a sub, for most subs I’ve ever talked to and myself, is giving up control to another person. You’re always still in control though. You have to be, or else things can get ugly really quickly.
As a sub, you’re in control because you give your permission to the other person. If you choose to take that permission away, and they don’t respect your wishes…that’s when you totally lose control. Keep in mind that most rape victims know their attackers. Until you have a really strong bond with a Dom, always, always, always have a safe word to show that you are no longer giving your consent for them to do what they are doing. If you find yourself using your safe word just to "get out" of things like spankings and bondage, perhaps being a sub isn’t right for you, at least not with that person.
I think that most people who enjoy BDSM play understand physical safety, though. It is mental safety that I’m more concerned about.
When you’re in a full-time 24/7 submissive role, I think it can be really easy to lose yourself. I’m personally a really independent person. In my business life, I like to be in control, I like to be the leader, I like to be the boss. In fact, my job totally reflects those needs of mine, as I’m my own boss and pick and choose when and how I work.
So why then would I ever be attracted to a D/s relationship?
For me, giving up that power, submitting…it is like giving up my responsibilities to everything except my Daddy’s happiness. I trust him to make decisions for me, and I make my primary goal him. I consider us 24/7, but truth be told, we’re away from one another so often, that I’m on my own a lot, and the only overall rule I have is that I have to ask for permission to masturbate and I have to cc him on emails relating to this site from men who seem…interested. That doesn’t happen often, since I’m really clear about my relationship status!
Anyway, I’m rambling again, like I always seem to do, but the point is that you shouldn’t lose yourself by giving power to someone else. Submission has helped me find myself. By submitting to Daddy, even if we can’t do it every moment of every day, I’m not asking him to control my thoughts and opinions. I’m still me. He just helps me to focus myself on things that are important, like my work, and forget about things that don’t really matter in the long run, like petty e-fighting among clients or other writers I know.
That’s what I mean about mental safety. It doesn’t matter if you’re 24/7 or only take the submissive role sexually, you need to have an identity. The point of the domination is to grow and learn about yourself and your limits, not to lose yourself in blind slavery to another person.
Comments welcome!