It’s really hard to stop thinking about someone. Until it isn’t.
I think we’ve all had those people in life – people that we just can’t seem to get over. People who we crushed on so hard or fought for with all our being… an when things became apparent that they wouldn’t work, we were devastated. And we couldn’t imagine not thinking about that person.
For a while, a good long while, it stings. Then it slowly hurts less and less. But they are always there in our hearts, reminding us of a failure.
Until one day they aren’t anymore.
Earlier today, I logged onto CollarMe. Unlike Fetlife, CollarMe is more about pure dating, so I don’t keep an active profile on there anymore. I have Cash, so the last thing I need is to get a bunch of messages from dudes who want to date me. But I had uploaded a picture there that I didn’t have on my computer anymore (it crashed a few months ago), so I wanted to find the image and save it.
And then I remembered that it wasn’t so long ago that I was completely a wreck over a boy I had met there last fall. Y’all may remember me mentioning him in passing. I didn’t talk about him much, but for a time, I was completely gaga over him, even though he would disappear for weeks at a time. I used to check CollarMe every day to see if he had logged on and messaged me. I couldn’t imagine not doing that. But here I am, six months later, and I haven’t even logged into CollarMe since…early February? Maybe even before that. I just don’t think about this guy anymore. It’s nothing personal. I’m just over it.
And realizing that reminded me of a few years ago, that dark winter I had when The Cowboy left me completely in the dust. God, I haven’t thought about The Cowboy in forever, and there was a time I thought of him all the time, the moments of my day consumed with talking to him on the phone or wondering what he was doing or hoping he would call again soon. I can’t tell you the last time The Cowboy even crossed my mind, yet I wouldn’t have believed you if you would have told me I’d feel that way back when I was obsessed with him. He changed me, he affected my life, and he made me a stronger person. But I don’t think about him anymore.
As I think about the men who have been in my life in my past, I realize that I’ve done this often. I’m an anxious person by nature, so it seems like whenever I like (or love) a boy, I start obsessing over him. That makes me sound crazy, but I can’t think of a better word. I make my life about this boy, and I feel upset when I don’t know what is up between the two of us.
But I don’t think about any of these boys anymore. And I don’t think about Cash either.
Well, I do think about Cash of course, because I miss being with him, but this time, things are different. I don’t spend every waking moment obsessing about him, wondering what he’s doing or when he’s going to call or whatever. I don’t have to. Because what Cash gives me that no one ever has before is complete security. I feel so safe with him. I don’t have to obsess over him because I know that he isn’t someone who is going to abandon me or otherwise hurt me. Being with Cash doesn’t make me feel anxious like I’ve felt around every other man who’s even been in my life. I know I am loved. I know I am enough. I know I am his and he doesn’t want any other girls.
And I fully love this guy in a way that is completely different from the love I’ve felt with anyone else, ever. Each love is different, no matter what, but before it’s been this passionate, exploding, joyful, stress-inducing love. Loving Cash is….easy. The passion is there, but it isn’t a fiery type of passion. It’s…adult. Growing, blooming, embracing. And it’s so much better.
Best of all, I feel healthier than I ever have before, mind and body. I’m getting my physical health back on track. I still (and always will) have the ups and downs of depression, but I feel like I can cope with them 100%. I feel organized and clear with my work. I feel creative again.
Cash is my medicine. I don’t want to jinx anything…but y’all? Is this what it feels like when people say they’ve met “the one”?
(I know, gross.)