I get jealous sometimes. Not just about other women looking at Cash either. I think I’m a naturally jealous person. I get jealous when friends hang out without me. I get jealous when people like their jobs more than I like mine. I get jealous of others’ possessions or good fortune.
But really…most of the time it’s okay. The mood passes. I’ve written about it in the past. Only…I get REALLY jealous when Cash talks about other women. And I find it hard to let it go.
Not that he does often, and it’s never because he actually is looking at other women that way. But he had a crush on a friend of his at one time, and I still have trouble letting that go. And I hate when he talks about his exes. It’s like a morbid fascination. As soon as he brings one up, I have to talk about it. I ask questions and want to discuss. I need to know details.
It’s because I’m insecure.
People use the terminsecure like it’s a bad thing, a fault when really…it’s just a thing. I mean, insecurity isn’t something you can really control. You can work on it, but you can’t snap your fingers and suddenly be confident.
When I was dating, insecurity was mentioned on a lot of profiles. Men don’t want a woman who is insecure. And so, I would go on dates, and I would lie. I would pretend to be that cool chick who doesn’t mind that you have a kid with your ex and see her every day and she’s a god damn super model. I would lie and say it was okay that you are bff with the hot blonde at work and often go out for drinks afterward. Like going to strip clubs with the guys every weeks. Pfffft….totally fine!
Because it’s awesome to build a relationship on lies.
The truth is, I’m insecure as hell. Still, even though I’m in a happy, stable relationship. I’m waiting for it to go wrong. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. I cringe at my own actions sometimes and just wait for him to say those words I know are coming, “This isn’t working out anymore…”
Cash and I are happy and this is how I feel. So you can imagine what it was like when I was in rocky relationships.
But I’m learning how to not be jealous anymore, and for me, it’s come down to one thing. One thing that was actually really surprising to me.
In order to no longer be jealous, I have to be honest about the fact that I’m jealous.
This extends to insecurity in general, actually. In order to get over it, I have to tell Cash how I’m feeling. I have to immerse myself in my insecurities for a bit and let him take care of me. I have to trust him, even when my instincts are telling me to run the other way.
The other night we were in bed, cuddled, and I just burst with an insecurity that I’ve been having for a long time. I told him about it, and we even had a little argument about it, and then he took me in his arms and loved me. And it passed.
I will NEVER be the cool chick who doesn’t mind that you hang out with your ex. I wish I could be, but if I pretend to be this awesome girlfriend package, it ends up making me nuts. It’s just not my nature. If you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.
I just feel thankful that I have a daddy who understands and even loves me more for my insecurities and faults. My eyes may be green, but I’m working on it…and I that’s all I can promise.
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com