Dildo Buyer’s Guide

Deciding on a Dildo Can Be Hard. . .So, So Good and Hard.

Your very first dildo was probably the only thing you could afford at the time, leaving you with a likely case of the “WTFs” after several years of only being halfway satisfied. I feel your pain, brothers and sisters. The wide and wacky world of dildos is way too large for anyone to navigate it on their own. We all have to stick together on this one, lest we fall victim to the ole ho-hum sex toy thing once again.

On the other hand, deciding on a new dildo isn’t always easy. Not only are there lots of obvious choices out there but the new stuff on the market has given rise to much debate and curiosity. With features that fly in the face of the latest technology and ergonomics that rival that of luxury mattresses, today’s dildos aren’t anything like the ones of old. Quite honestly, we should be a lot more thankful for that.

Back in the day, men and women had to get a prescription from their doctor before they could get a decent dildo. Before that, people fashioned their fun sticks out of household items like tube socks, rubber gloves and vegetables. And prior to those days, we had individuals who crafted dildos out of stone, chalk and old bread. So, while we’ve come a long way in terms of perfecting the materials and design, our culture has yet to catch up with the latest developments coming from the dildo guys.

These innovative products are not your run-of-the-mill synthetic penises either. Created to satisfy all tastes (no matter how perverted or twisted they might be), contemporary dildos dance around the fine line between medical-grade marital aids and fantastic novelty items. Depending on the user’s wants, needs and budget, a good modern dildo can be fully customized just like your dad’s old hotrod.

And while choosing between options may be difficult, it’s only half the battle. Understanding yourself as a shopper is important too. The following are some things you need to take into consideration before ever looking at your first dildo:

Your Reasoning

Why are you in the market for a new dildo? Does your old one just not do it for you anymore? Has your current device seen better days? Or, are you one of the lucky people who just now discovered the wonders of a terrific synthetic dick? Regardless of what category you fall into, knowing what you need in a good dildo is vital. Otherwise, you’ll end up getting suckered into something that’s beneath you (in the worst way possible).

Know your reasoning like the back of your hand. If you want something that’s extremely realistic, settle for nothing less. If you’re looking for a dildo that has bonus features, hold out until you discover it. There’s literally something for everyone out there, so now is the time to exercise patience and due diligence. Read product reviews to find out if that dildo you’re considering actually pays the bills, if you know what I mean.

Your Skin Type

They say beauty is only skin deep, but apparently so is pleasure. Because the human body is a tricky thing, dildo manufacturers have not been able to create a material that’s perfect for every single skin type known to man. And while silicone is generally considered safe for all users, there are still some problems with it due to the incompatibility of silicone with certain types of lube. It’s always something, isn’t it?

Knowing your skin type helps you avoid irritation, rash, and allergic reactions that could be embarrassing, painful or even deadly. It’s one thing to visit the ER because you used a sex toy unwisely; it’s another thing to host a funeral for it. Most cases don’t get anywhere near that serious, but you get what I’m saying. It’s important to know yourself better than some sex toy maker, plus the materials with which your dildo is made will determine how easy it is to clean and maintain.

Your Budget

That budget is going to play a big role in the dildo you select. With prices that vary greatly and special cost considerations that we haven’t even discussed yet, I’m not so sure that dollar in your hand is going to stretch as far as you’d like it to. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and try to point you toward the good stuff in the meantime.

But just like everything else in life, you get what you pay for. If you’re extremely lucky, you can sometimes catch a good deal when you least expect it. And as luck would have it, certain dildo makers offer secret discounts, coupon codes and have seasonal sales throughout the year. Keep your eyes peeled out there, soldier. Meanwhile, follow me.

Why a Dildo Though?

Dildos are cool because, well, they’re lifelike or fantasy-based penises that are not detached to any semblance of a human body. I know how creepy and uninviting that sounds to some people, but for the rest of us, we understand the value in it. Just recall the last time you wanted to Coyote Ugly your way out of a bed and you’ll figure out why dildos are so ubiquitous.

You see, a good dildo can provide a real and tangible service to those who use it properly. Contrary to popular belief, dildos are not made exclusively for single people or for individuals who want to waste away in their basement with an industrial-sized barrel of lube and a nudie magazine. Today’s dildos are a whole new breed – sophisticated, stylish, social butterflies on a meaty, messy mission. I, for one, admire their bravery.

I’ve watched well-made dildos save boring marriages, prevent infidelity, keep the flame alive in a long-distance relationship and help with stamina or endurance problems (sometimes simultaneously). Dildos have the ability to gently crack open people’s sexual shells by being familiar enough to induce feelings of comfort and erotically convenient enough to induce feelings of extreme pleasure. It doesn’t get any better than that, ladies and gentlemen. Can I get a round of applause?

Like all the greatest legends, dildos know exactly what we want and are there to give it to us when we need it. Whether you like your dildos large or small, thick or thin, realistic or whimsical, there’s guaranteed to be something that will float the boat. The hard part is figuring out whether that dildo you’re considering is worth the money or not. Let’s not have you out here making it rain on dildo manufacturers like they’re slutty strippers.

The Top 5 Ways to Tell If That Dildo Is Worth It or Not

Dildo shopping is supposed to be fun and exciting, not frustrating and exhausting. Either way, the clever marketers behind all the advertisements and promotions are smart enough to know you’ll keep looking even if you don’t find what you want, especially if you’re serious about buying a new toy. They also know you’ll eventually cave and purchase something if they push hard enough. You don’t have to put up with that BS. Your time, money and satisfaction should be treated as valuable commodities in a market that’s drenched in demand but lacking in acceptable supply.

Here’s how you get around all that unnecessary riffraff to find a dildo that will actually do the trick. Examine the following 5 factors:

Dimensions

Size is one of the most important factors to consider when selecting a new dildo, or any sex toy for that matter. Today’s dildos come in a wide variety of sizes, ranging from tiny to massive and everything in between. Depending on what you plan to do with yours, the size of that dildo will determine how successful you are with it. In other words, check the dimensions before you buy.

The total length of any dildo is determined by measuring the distance between the tip and the bottom of the balls. The insertable length, however, is determined by measuring the distance from the tip to the bottom of the shaft. Both measurements are important, as one affects discretion and the other affects pleasure. Choose wisely by starting small if you’re unsure how your body will respond to a large dildo.

Design

Are you looking for a realistic dildo or something a little more inconspicuous? Would you prefer your new dildo to have balls or will a simple handle suffice? The design of your toy will affect several things, including but not always limited to the following:

Its shape
Its size
Its features
Its safety
Its effectiveness
Its appearance
Its ease-of-use
Its storage options

Choosing your next dildo based on its overall design is probably a pretty good idea but only as long as you consider all other factors as well. Modern-day dildo manufacturers are constantly pushing the envelope to develop innovative products, meaning some of the items out there are questionable and experimental at best. Use your discernment and try to keep it real with yourself.

Craftsmanship

If you’re anything like me, you most likely look at a dildo’s extra features when shopping because, quite frankly, it’s the most interesting and enjoyable part. And while sex toys are made to induce pleasure, shopping for them isn’t all about having fun. At some point, you’ll have to get down to the nitty-gritty and consider the craftsmanship.
In terms of dildos, the craftsmanship thereof pertains to the materials with which the product is made. Common materials for dildos typically include:

Silicone
TPE
Polycarbonate
Latex
Glass
Stainless steel

Each material has its own unique set of pros and cons, so try to understand the various properties before you settle on anything.

Features

Understand that no two dildos are the same, even models which resemble one another or have the same basic properties. The features offered will tell you a lot about the quality of the product you’re holding. For example, good dildos always have the following three features:

Skin-safe materials
Ergonomic handles or shaping
A soft and/or smooth surface that’s free of snags

So, while you may find several options out there, worthy dildos have a lot in common and that needs to be recognizable to you. Spruce things up a bit by selecting a dildo with a few extra bells and whistles like squirting abilities, vibrations or realistic attributes. The fun is never-ending when you have a well-made fake dick in your hands, and nobody can argue with you about that.

Maker

Just a quick note on the manufacturer. Many of these guys got their reputation in the market for being clever and sleazy, but that’s not the case with them all. Some are truly legit, and it’s up to you to spot the wolves in sheep’s clothing. Look for things like positive reviews, customer service availability, quality and/or money-back guarantees, free samples and so on. That’s pretty much the only way you can tell the winners from the losers these days.

The Three Kings: My Favorite Dildos

Marketing ploys and clever schemes aside, what you just learned should be enough to earn you a master’s degree in sex toys. I have no idea what you’ll encounter next on your journey of dildastic discovery but I can tell you this: Nobody will be able to pull the wool over your eyes ever again. So, go ahead and throw that delipidated dildo into the trash where it belongs. Step out and step your masturbation game up. You’re only a few steps away from copping the next best thing since sliced bread.

BEST OVERALL: The Tracy Cox Super Sex Set

With this little number you actually get two for the price of one. That’s always a good thing, and this is no exception. The Tracy Cox Super Sex Set features dual glass dildos with 4 ½-inch circumferences and 7-inch insertable lengths. Each one has a different texture and shape, instantly adding sensuality and variety to any bedroom. Hypoallergenic, sturdy, and easy to clean, this dynamic duet is also waterproof, shatterproof, and disenchantment proof. The set includes a sexy velvet storage bag and detailed instructions written by Tracey Cox herself.

PRO: The strategically placed bulbs are terrific for g-spot and p-spot stimulation.
CON: A glass dildo may not be the ideal choice for people who enjoy the friction created by skin-like materials.

BIGGEST AND BADDEST: The Doc Johnson Bust-It

Extra thick to make a considerable impression, the Doc Johnson Bust It is technically a squirting dildo that boasts just over 5 inches in total girth and 8.5 inches in length. It’s the obvious choice for folks who are all about the rippin’ and the tearin’, or for anyone who’s wanting a hyper-realistic sensation. With all the details you’ve come to expect from the well-known Doc Johnson brand, this bad boy features the colloquial raised veins, a skin-like covering, a large capacity semen dispenser and it’s fully waterproof too. Lay this thing next to the bed but be sure to lock the door. Storage is not included.

PRO: Good for everyday play but also ideal for fulfilling fantasies.
CON: It might be slightly painful for newbies or when used with inadequate lubrication.

MOST CUSTOMIZABLE: The Clone-a-Willy

Want to cut to the chase and just mold the penis of your favorite lover? Well now you can, with Clone-a-Willy. I swear on everything sacred that this is a real product and that it actually turns out as a pretty impressive dildo (if your inspiration suffices, that is). The kit comes with everything you need to cast the perfect cock in the comfort of your own home, complete with coloring dyes, a small lube sample and even a detached bullet vibrator to stick inside the dildo when it’s all done setting up. Made with hypoallergenic, plant-based ingredients, this this is ready to use immediately and super easy to clean/maintain.

PRO: Like snowflakes, no two Clone-a-Willy dildos are the same (which also means you can make several different kinds of dildos if that’s your thing).
CON: If you don’t follow the directions exactly as they’re written, you could have a serious mess on your hands.

The Runners Up: 5 Other Dildos Worth Your Attention

Throughout it all, knowing what I know and seeing what I’ve seen, I still try to be teachable. I’m learning too, but mostly because the sex toy industry is always changing or coming out with new and improved products. I remain in awe of the fact that few things are ever as they seem, modern-day dildos included.

With that said, I understand that the Three Kings may not contain the dildo you’re looking for. It’s ok, we’re not to the end of the road yet. The following are five more high-end, low-cost dildos that I think you should take a look at while you’re here:

The Lifelike Lover Luxe

Silicone and softer than your favorite pillow, the Lifelike Lover Luxe features a smooth set of firm yet flexible balls and a pronounced head for a sensational start. With a suction cup base, 5 ½ inches in girth and a fulfilling 7 inches in length, this bad boy is the only rival of the Doc Johnson ‘Bust It’ on my list. Harness compatible and made without the messy squirting action, the Lifelike Lover is curved just right to hit the sweet spot every time.

The Lovehoney CSSC

The letters CSSC are short for “Curved Silicone Suction Cup” because that’s what the manufacturer came up with as a name for this dildo and I’m too lazy to write it out more than once. This 7-inch sweetie-pie is great for people who are somewhat experienced with a magic wand, so-to-speak, meaning it’s probably not ideal for newbies who aren’t familiar with their body. What the Lovehoney CSSC is good for, however, include things like flawless g-spot stimulation, harness compatibility, hands-free play, and a surprisingly skin-like texture that heightens sensations even more when a warmed lube is applied.

The King Cock Ultra

As the name suggests, this dildo may not be for everybody but it’s certainly a star to those who find it appropriate. With 8.5 inches of length and plenty of girth to go around, the King Cock Ultra is a superior selection for anyone wanting a good balance between realism and fantasy. It features a suction cup base, can be taken in the water and can be used with almost any harness too. Great for experimentation or routine erogenous stimulation, this bad boy is found on the top 10 of almost every dildo countdown on the web.

The Icicles No. 24

This glass dildo is a work of art, not just a tool for solo or mutual masturbation. Made to resemble a gorgeous tentacle, the Icicles No. 24 features beautifully placed knobs, nodes and ripples for a sensational experience inside and out. Created with beauty and pleasure in mind, it’s not only temperature responsive and skin-safe but it’s also extremely easy to clean and simple to hide. And while it may not have a suction cup base or friendliness towards harnesses like the other dildos on this list, it does have a uniquely curved shape that makes it easy to hold onto.

The nJoy Pure Wand

Sick of all the bells and whistles? In the market for something more minimalistic? The nJoy Pure Wand may be the ticket then, because it features almost nothing – well, besides this: a 100% stainless steel body, an ergonomically curved shape for better p-spot and g-spot stimulation, a 5.5-inch ball on one end and a small 3-inch ball on the other, and enough space in between to fit anyone’s hand. Not too bad for a dildo that looks nothing like a sex toy, especially considering how good it feels when you add some fun lube to the mix.

The End Game

Finding the right dildo doesn’t have to be as hard as you’re making it. In fact, the hardest thing here should be the sex toy you’re about to buy. It doesn’t matter if the product isn’t perfect, since nothing in the world is and that expectation is nonsense. What matters most is that all the features come together to create a pleasurable experience for you and your partner(s) (hopefully more than once). If that calls for an 8-inch realistic dildo with squirting abilities and a suction cup base, then so be it. You’re in it to win it. If you’re not first, you’re last (or something like that).