Depression

I just wanted to share something "real" with you all. So much of what I say on here is set apart from my everyday life, just about sex and gender and d/s thoughts. So I wanted to share something else today.

When I was in high school, I was very depressed. I didn’t get help from it right away, in part because my parents weren’t really approachable about something like that. So, I stole my grandmother’s meds for it. She was on a very low-dose anti-depressant because when she found out she had cancer, she cried. She wasn’t a depressed person though, and refused to take them, and my aunts/parents agreed it was a stupid prescription to have. So I took them. I think she knew, but I also think she knew that I needed them.

I don’t think depression is something you ever "get over." I mean, I think you can learn to manage it, even without meds, but I don’t think that it is something that just leaves you. I was later classified as manic depressive, which means that I have cycling swings from high to low. Its kind of like being predictably bipolar.

Have you seen those commercials that are like "depression hurts…"? They’re true. For those of you who have never dealt with depression, when you are dealing with the low days, it REALLY hurts. Like, your whole body aches. It feels like you’re coming down with the flu, plus you feel overwhelmingly sad and upset. These are just my experiences at least.

Why am I talking about all of this?

Well, I still deal with depression. In college, I actually handled it very well, got off meds, was doing pretty great. I still had my bad days, but it was doable without drugs, and that’s how I prefer it. Right now, not so much. I’m having more and more bad days, and I know I need to get back on meds, and that kills me. I feel like I should be able to be stronger than that, and I’m not. I have health insurance, but the prescriptions aren’t covered, so right now, getting back on meds isn’t an option, but hopefully I’ll have the money for it soon, because the bad days are coming more and more often.

Every person dealing with depression will tell you that there are people in life who make it easer and people in life who make it harder. When I met Daddy, he def made my life easier. At that point, I wasn’t in the state I’m in now, but I was going through some rough patches in life. For months, talking to him could make me smile when nothing else could.

Now, I’m not sure. I think it is to the point where he often makes my life harder. See, we got comfortable with one another, from a friends standpoint if nothing else. And because of that he speaks his mind, which isn’t always said in the nicest way, and he doesn’t feel like he has to be polite/nice when he’s talking to me, like you are with people you don’t know well.

And I’m fed up. I’m a good friend. I’m a really good friend. And its killing me. I love this man more than I’ve loved anyone else in my life. I don’t need to be babied, but I do need to be respected. I don’t feel like I have that right now, and that’s partially my fault for not demanding it in the past.

I just have a hard time when everything I do leads to drama. Anger. Hanging up the phone. Fighting. I don’t blame him. He’s himself. I’m not trying to change that.

Still, I hurt. I hurt all over, and yes, I think that he stopped helping that (most days) and started contributing to my stress levels over the past few months.

The funny think is that I know he reads this blog sometimes and he’ll probably call me mad about this post.

I don’t care anymore. I can’t care. I love him, but I’m literally killing myself doing that. I can’t continue pouring my heart and soul into a friendship where he’s arguing with me every few days. I take everything he says to heart, and sometimes he says really mean things.

And I’m not wrong. I don’t pretend that I’m the easiest person in the world to get to know or to love. Lots of people don’t like me. But my friends will attest to the fact that I’m a damn good friend who goes out of her way to make others happy and never, ever, EVER starts drama. So if there’s drama in a friendship, it isn’t me. It just isn’t.

I’m just frustrated right now, so thanks for reading my little rant. Daddy is a good guy. This post is pretty unfair because it is just my side of things, and right now, I’m depressed and upset. But really, he might want to move on to find a best friend in someone else. I don’t know if I can be it for much longer. I’ll try, but I’m not making promises anymore.