Changes

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is seeing partners who try to change one another. People don’t change, unless they really want to, and that’s something that comes from inside not from other people encouraging you. You can’t really change unless you want to do it for yourself, not for a girlfriend or boyfriend or parent or anyone. It has to be something you want, and even then, it is a hard, hard things to do.

Someone emailed me a comment that my posts here and here sounded like I was just sitting around and waiting for this guy to change. That I was barking up the wrong tree, because people never change. That no matter what, if he came back into my life, he’s just leave again and again and again.

At first, I got really upset and wrote this long email about how I don’t expect people to change and who dare she think that and I’m not waiting and blah blah blah. But then I decided to take a good look at what I wrote and how I feel, now that I’ve had a few days to process.

And you know what? I think I was expecting him to change, even though I didn’t really realize that. I was never like “you need to change this and this about yourself before I’ll be your friend.” I always accepted him, despite his flaws. But I did expect him to change in one crucial way that really sealed the deal – I expected him to learn to handle me and my life. And at the end of the day, I need to respect the person that he is…and that person can’t deal with me, at least not right now. I do think that he thought he could change and that he wanted to change, but at the end of the day, change takes time, and I pushed him over the edge where he just started resenting me.

I think he saw all of the good things in me and wanted to change so that he could have me in his life. And I think he really tried. And I think it was killing him.

Something just clicked in me today that realized that. He’s obviously not here, so I can’t know if I’m right, but I do think that this may be the underlying cause of everything. I pushed into his life and expected him to learn to be OK with that. And he wanted to, because he cares about me…but he’s just not. He’s not OK with that. He’s not OK with the fact that I needed him to be happy. I didn’t realize it, but I pressured him into being some god-like man who was responsible for my happiness.

That made me really take a good look at myself and my own life. It isn’t healthy or normal for me to need to cling to someone. I think that it’s perfect fine to be sad or upset when someone isn’t in your life, but there’s a difference between missing a friend and feeling so upset that you have trouble working or even watching television. I do think there are things about him that are perhaps emotionally immature and unhealthy, but you know what? I need to look at myself first. Whether or not he grows as a person over the next few years isn’t as important as making sure that I do.

And I want to change. I want to change the fact that I cling to people. I want to change the fact that a significant other is the ONLY thing that makes me truly happy in life. I want to change the fact that I expect so much from other people, and so quickly. No, I’m not changing because I think he’ll come back in my life. I mean, knows about this website, but I have no way of knowing whether or not he reads it. I don’t care. This isn’t for him. This isn’t for anyone. For once, this is for me. 

So today, I called a counseling service center. It’s time. I’ve done this on my own for a long time, but I need help. And I’m crying right now typing this because it is a really hard thing for me to do, to admit to someone that I need help, and that I want to change. I’ve dealt with depression before, but talking to a doctor about medications isn’t as hard as saying that I need to see a therapist. Medications, you can hide behind the fact that you’re chemically imbalanced. But this…I just can’t hide anymore. I’m a wonderful, beautiful, amazing person, and I don’t want that to be hidden anymore by the fact that I’m clingy and unhappy and push people away from me.

He saw those things in me, buried beneath the muck. He saw those things in me that few people see. And he tried to help me and he tried to do his best, but changing himself for me would have been a bad thing. He knows that, and I feel ashamed that I ever put him in that position.

I think that’s what he meant when he accused me of being manipulative. I thought that I was being a positive thing in his life and pushed him more and more to have me in it. Ignorance of the law doesn’t mean that you’re not responsible, though. I do wish he would have communicated his feelings better. I think he tried, and it just got lost. I never really understood that moment when he started feeling overwhelmed. I think it was like him screaming underwater. He was still screaming, but I could barely hear him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to; that’s just the nature of being underwater.

Someday, I dream of being able to write him a letter, as a changed person, and just tell him how this whole experience as a catalyst to a happier life for me. I dream of being able to invite him back into my life and for him to know in his heart that I’m now someone that he can truly have as a friend. I dream of all of those things we talked about, back when we first met, actually coming true. It’s up to him too. It’s up to him to listen to what I have to say with an open heart, someday. I’m not there yet, of course, and I won’t be for a long time…but I’ve taken one baby step forward, and at least that’s a start.