Where I’ve been this past month isn’t as important as where I’m going.
I’ve always found this to be the case. People say that you need to remember and learn from your past, but I don’t know that this is the case. Sometimes, I wish I could forget the past.
Because the moment, the now, this life I find myself in? It’s amazing.
So where am I going?
Physically, I’m going on vacation. A long, much-needed vacation with Cash where we don’t do work or talk about work. Unless you count our cross-country road trip to visit our families, which I don’t because it was basically shuffling from one loved one to another, we’ve never been on vacation together.
We need it. We need to recharge, and together. We need a week of fun and horny flirting and hot sex. Boy, do we need it.
Because life sucks sometimes. That’s where I’ve been, dealing with life. And I’ve missed out on awesome conferences and opportunities and fun times with friends because I’ve been dealing with life.
Physically, where I’m going is on vacation, but where I’m really going is toward this amazing future. Because no matter how sucky life gets sometimes, I finally have someone holding my hand and loving me no matter how crazy I get.
But this post isn’t about being mushy and gushing about my boyfriend. I’ve certainly done enough about that in the past. What this post is about is about is about figuring it out.
It is that thing I’ve been missing my whole life. We all have that thing. Career success. Friendship. Personal achievement. Respect. Family relationships. Love.
For me…it wasn’t always clear. I thought it was love. I really did. But it’s never been about love. It’s been about security.
That sounds kind of shitty, like I don’t care about passion or romance, that I’m only dating Cash because I’m comfortable. But no, that’s not it. Cash and I have passion and romance, the type of love I always thought I wanted. And then, we have more. With him, I feel safe and like I can be myself without worrying that he’ll leave. Things have been tough, and he’s stayed.
It’s what I’ve wanted, what I’ve needed. It makes me deeply happy on a level that I’ve never before understood. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know it’s with him, and so I am okay. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time. Even my social anxiety is getting bearable.
I think that’s what this whole crazy life is all about, figuring out the path that’s right for you, and realizing that the obvious choice isn’t always the right one. It’s not about having all the answers, but it is about constantly asking questions until you are going in the best direction. I’ve found what I’ve needed in life, where I’m supposed to go.
Where are you supposed to be?
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com