I received an email recently from a girl who was just starting to explore the D/s world. She reminded me a lot of myself at that age, and I thought it might be helpful to post part of my response to her here, since others might have similar questions. We emailed back and forth about a bunch of different topics, and what I wanted to highlight are her questions (and my responses) about munches.

For those of you who may also be new to the BDSM world, a “munch” is a gathering of people in the BDSM community in a much more casual setting than a play party. They’re usually at public places, like restaurants, and the purpose is to simply meet others who are local and interested in BDSM. The term munch evolved from “burger munch,” or so my research tells me.

Here’s part of the email I received, after I mentioned that she might try to find a munch in her area to meet like-minded people:

I know that in order to really explore this side of myself I need to get out there and meet like-minded people, but the thought is so terrifying! I Googled “munches” and found one that’s actually in the same neighborhood as my university but I’m terrified at the prospect of going. One munch website mentioned that it’s okay to come and just observe the group from afar, which is what I might do…

If I were to try and attend a “munch”, what would people be like? Is everyone extreme, is everyone old, is everyone goth? How do I steer clear of the more hardcore crowd without letting them know that I’m freaked? Will people expect me to know what I want, or will they laugh at me when they realize that my desires tend to the less extreme sides of BDSM?

Those are definitely some great questions. Here’s my response:

As far the munch I went to – there was everyone there from young to old (I think the youngest was 19 and the oldest was in her upper 50s). Some were super into it, some people were a lot quieter and just enjoying hanging out. There were a few people in goth garb, but most people were just in jeans and t-shirts. No one at all laughed at anyone else.

Also, it was nice because the munch I went to had two parts. First, there was a dinner, then there was a dungeon part in a backroom at a strip club. So a lot of people just went to the dinner, where conversation was everything from talking about our jobs to talking about spanking. It was not very different from a regular dinner with a large group of friends, people just weren’t weirded out by talk of D/s when it was brought out occasionally. There were also some couples there where the dom ordered for the sub, that kind of thing, but it wasn’t like some kind of big deal. I don’t think you have to be freaked out by the hardcore people. They know that not everyone interested in the lifestyle wants what they have.

It’s one of the most accepting communities, I’ve found, no matter what your wants and needs.

I’ve only been to one munch in my life. It wasn’t really for me because I’m not much of a “get out there and socialize with people I don’t know” person, regardless of the community, but the person I went with had a lot of fun and (I think) might have even gone to more. Afterward, a lot of the people I met kept in touch too, which was nice. Since I have limited experience though, let me turn the floor over to you, dear readers. Leave a comment with your munch experiences and advice for the lovely girl who emailed me!