Between My Sheets » Reader Mail

Power, Coercion, and Rape! Oh, My!

Rori — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 23:13:00 +0000

Today, instead of a typical “Rori Asks” post, I have a special guest post from Dr. Eric Sprankle, who agreed to write about one of the most controversial topics in the world of BDSM – rape fantasies. Like with regular Tuesday Rori Asks posts, I’d love for you to weigh in at the end with your feelings about rape fantasies. Also, I’m wondering: Have you ever had a kink that embarrasses you or even makes you feel ashamed or uneasy?

Now, onto Dr. Sprankle’s post!

Question: Is it unhealthy for a woman to have rape fantasies? What if I wanted to role play these fantasies with my boyfriend? Is this wrong?

Are you worried that your sexually arousing, violent fantasies are a sign of deviance, pathology, or low self-esteem? Are you worried that some may call you “crazy,” “slut,” or “whore”? Granted, these terms may be part of your fantasy, but likely not in this context. While rape fantasies are extremely taboo and often lead to guilty feelings, the thoughts and fictional role plays can be a part of a person’s healthy sexual expression.

The concerns surrounding rape fantasies have included beliefs that the thoughts and desires are a part of unhealthy masochism, high levels of sex guilt, and a reenactment of past sexual abuse. While there is theoretical justification for these claims, the current evidence does not support these theories. In reality, there are more data supporting the fact that women who report rape fantasies have less sex guilt and are more open to a variety of sexual expressions than women not reporting such fantasies. So in short, there’s nothing wrong with you.

More reassurance should come from knowing that having rape fantasies is in no way predictive of experiencing real rape or desiring to be raped. The difference is consent. And while rape fantasies involve non-consensual behavior, they are fictional experiences. The person creating the fictional experiences is in control and is consenting to the non-consensual behavior. It may sound complicated for someone unfamiliar with these fantasies or role plays, but it’s simply this equation: non-consensual sex = real life rape; consenting to a non-consensual role play = fucking, hot sex.

Furthermore, fantasies and role play do not have to reflect real world desires. Just because you have masturbatory fantasies about being gang banged by three-legged carnies doesn’t mean you are going to be first in line at the county fair with a pocket full of rubbers.

To answer the second part of your question, involving asking your boyfriend to be involved in the role play, this can be difficult depending on the sexual values of your partner. If he is completely unaware of your rape fantasies, it may not be the best strategy to start the conversation by saying, “Honey, tonight I want you to jump out of the closet and brutally rape me on the floor.”

A better strategy would include a subtle, yet direct sharing of some of the themes of your fantasies. These themes include power differences, manipulation, blackmail, coercion, and force. Ask him his thoughts and feelings about being the dominant, powerful, or offending male in these scenarios. If he hasn’t run to the bathroom crying in horror, he may be open to the experience. But start slow. If you have fantasies involving a stranger using force, that may pose challenging for him to adopt that role. Take baby steps.

There are plenty of role plays that involve these themes that may be easier to start with and can be used as a springboard to slowly build up to the use of simulated force. Playing doctor/patient, teacher/student, warden/prisoner, supervisor/employee, masseuse/client, or Jesus/disciple all involve a power difference in the relationship that would be unethical or illegal to act out in real life. But in fantasy, it can just be a fun experience to play with power differences. And before you know it, he’ll be playing the part of the sex offender you have desired for so long.

But remember, your boyfriend has to consent to these role plays. Otherwise, you would be raping him. And not the pleasurable rape that you have been fantasizing about. This would be the type of rape that would prevent you from living close to a school for the next 20 years.

Have fun!

Thanks for the awesome guest post! Readers, Dr. Eric Sprankle is a clinical psychologist and psychology professor at Minnesota State University. You can read more of his sexual feedback, as well as submit your own questions, at http://scarletletters.org.

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

Online Dating and Long Distance

Rori — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 15:00:00 +0000

As some of you might already know, I’m currently dating a wonderful man named Cash who unfortunately lives about three hours from me. Earlier this week, I got an email from a reader and fellow blogger about the situation:

I had an online dating question. I have just recently started online dating, and so far it has been an interesting experience. The fact that it is online has a really negative stigma. Anyways, I have been talking to this guy (about 8 hours away on a perfect drive). I really want to meet up with him, but have a lot of hesitation.

You met Cash online, right? I know you mentioned that there is a distance thing, so I was wondering at what point did you feel comfortable staying with him/letting him stay with you/ be alone with him?

I am willing to meet him halfway for now, but I think if I was to wait a bit more, I would be willing to go where he is (since they have this really fun sounding garlic festival). Do you just go with your gut, when meeting guys online, or is there something else you look for?

Naughty Tashamber

I wanted to post my response because I thought it might be helpful to others going through the same situation (and hopefully you all can weigh in with some advice as well).

Cash and I did in fact meet online. We live about three hours from one another (when he’s not away for work), so it’s not quite as far as your scenario, but I have met guys who lived farther.

It is definitely a gut thing, but—and this is what you might not like to hear—my gut isn’t always right. In fact, I’ve met some really awful people before, not just guys who didn’t connect with me well, but guys who were truly mean, horrible people.

My recommendations is to go for it if your gut is telling you this could be a cool guy, but be really smart about it. I think it’s a great idea to start by meeting halfway. That will allow you to both get a feel for one another before either person commits to a full eight-hour trip. Meet someone very public like a restaurant or mall, rather than a secluded park. Cash and I met at the train station and went into the city together—all very public stuff for our first date.

If you’re staying overnight, get separate rooms. I know it sounds silly if you really do like one another, but it’s important to have that separate safe space where you can go if you’re uncomfortable. Until you’re ready to be intimate, always insist on that separate hotel room rather than staying at his house or in the same room. During Cash’s first visit here, he got a hotel room for the night and even though we ended up liking one another; I was still very happy we did that. When you plan to stay at someone’s house or in a room together, it puts a lot of pressure on the situation (besides being potentially unsafe).

Online dating still does have a weird connotation, but it is becoming more and more popular. Don’t worry—there are no more creeps there than there are at a bar or party or wherever else you might be meeting someone. However, pay attention to the details. It should send up red flags if the stuff he’s saying doesn’t really check out or he’s really unwilling to give personal details about his life. Friend him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter if he uses those social media sites. Don’t be afraid to Google him (though take anything you read with a grain of salt— not everything online is true). If he’s not being open and honest with you from day one, be wary.

Lastly, keep in mind that the distance isn’t going to go away. Even if you do like one another, it might not be the best relationship for you—8 hours is a lot of travel time to be with someone. Of course, every situation is different. For Cash and me, it makes sense because both of our careers give us some freedom that allows us to see one another on a regular basis and his career goals have him moving to my area in the next few years anyway. But you have to make sure it’s right for the two of you. If you can’t see how you’ll be able to come together in the future because you’re both unwilling to move, getting attached might not be the best plan. Every couple is different—just understand that distance is tough even for two people committed to seeing one another as much as possible.

Hope that helps!

And readers, I hope you’ll take a moment to leave your advice for Naughty as well with a comment below.

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

How to Role-Play

Rori — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 15:00:00 +0000

Earlier this week, I got a question from a reader via email that she’s allowed me to share with you all:

Hi Rori,

I’ve been dating a guy for a little while and we’ve discussed dressing up a few times already so we decided to go with a student/teacher theme. I’m mostly submissive when it comes to sex and he knows this but he wants me to play a student seducing her teacher, this makes me nervous because honestly I’ve never attempted to seduce anyone before.

Obviously the seduction can be more obvious than in real life but I’m a little stuck for ideas on how to play the role or things that I could say. I was wondering if you had any ideas or hints that could help me out?

If you’re not into acting, especially improv, role-paying isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do. But good news! You don’t have an audience to please. Only your lover. And he’s already happy because you’re going to fuck. So it’s a winning battle no matter how well you do with the actual role-playing.

Some general role-play advice:

Set the stage. Costumes and an environment (in your case, a desk maybe) will help you both get into the role.
Read some erotica and watch some porn with the scenario you had in mind. This will give you some ideas for things to say/do.
Know before you go into things that it won’t be perfect. Porn is shot in several takes and erotica is written in several drafts.
Make it a surprise. Have your partner come home one day to you in the role or just jump into the role when you start playing. When you have long discussions about it (beyond the “we want to try this” discussion you have initially), it can feel contrived.
Be different. Role-playing is truly awesome when you feel like you’re with a different person, so let go of those go-to tricks you always use in bed. Get outside your comfort zone, even to the point where you moan differently or say different things.
Practice with sexting or dirty emails. That way you have a little more control and time to think about it, but you’re still playing out a scenario.
You can also practice by just wearing the costume the first time. Maybe the actual scene comes at a later date. Try just putting on the sex costume and stripping for your partner or even fucking while in costume. See how it feels.

And now, I wanted to talk a little about my reader’s specific problem. It sounds like she’s not just a little timid about role-playing, but also worried about role-playing in a role that doesn’t suit her natural preferences. She’s naturally submissive but being asked to take on a seduction role.

Great news: this can actually be easier than you think to take on a role you’re not used to playing!

First, if you’re being asked to fall into an exact opposite role (e.g., our reader—she’s really submissive but seducing someone requires you to be more of a dom), act how you want to be treated. All those things you dream of an awesome dom doing to you—do them when you’re role-playing to the other person! We’ve all had instances when we think, “I wish my partner did this…” Now is you chance to show him!

The problem is, this probably feels a little unnatural (or even a lot unnatural), which can easily put you in a funk. And no one likes funky sex!

So the secret—and this really is key—is to turn the situation into what does feel natural to you.

For example, the reader who initially asked the question is submissive-leaning, but being asked to play a student who seduces her teacher. Start off in the “I’m a slut who’s going to try to seduce you” role, and then as the scene goes on, encourage your teacher to take you. You lead with a dominant foot, maybe even pretend-pressure him, but as he gets into it, you can say something, “I bet you’ve always wanted to teach me a real lesson, haven’t you?” or “You probably have dreams of throwing me on the desk and fucking me every time I’m not paying attention in class.” In other words, be seductive, but encourage him to take a dom role.

Role-play should be fun and easy. Don’t over-think it by analyzing it too much.

It’s your turn, dear readers! Help out on of your fellow readers by leaving a comment with advice or your role-playing experience.

The picture in this post is with permission from Sex and Seduction, one of my favorite kink sites of all time. Check it out!

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

Reader Mail: Munches

Rori — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 02:33:12 +0000

I received an email recently from a girl who was just starting to explore the D/s world. She reminded me a lot of myself at that age, and I thought it might be helpful to post part of my response to her here, since others might have similar questions. We emailed back and forth about a bunch of different topics, and what I wanted to highlight are her questions (and my responses) about munches.

For those of you who may also be new to the BDSM world, a “munch” is a gathering of people in the BDSM community in a much more casual setting than a play party. They’re usually at public places, like restaurants, and the purpose is to simply meet others who are local and interested in BDSM. The term munch evolved from “burger munch,” or so my research tells me.

Here’s part of the email I received, after I mentioned that she might try to find a munch in her area to meet like-minded people:

I know that in order to really explore this side of myself I need to get out there and meet like-minded people, but the thought is so terrifying! I Googled “munches” and found one that’s actually in the same neighborhood as my university but I’m terrified at the prospect of going. One munch website mentioned that it’s okay to come and just observe the group from afar, which is what I might do…

If I were to try and attend a “munch”, what would people be like? Is everyone extreme, is everyone old, is everyone goth? How do I steer clear of the more hardcore crowd without letting them know that I’m freaked? Will people expect me to know what I want, or will they laugh at me when they realize that my desires tend to the less extreme sides of BDSM?

Those are definitely some great questions. Here’s my response:

As far the munch I went to – there was everyone there from young to old (I think the youngest was 19 and the oldest was in her upper 50s). Some were super into it, some people were a lot quieter and just enjoying hanging out. There were a few people in goth garb, but most people were just in jeans and t-shirts. No one at all laughed at anyone else.

Also, it was nice because the munch I went to had two parts. First, there was a dinner, then there was a dungeon part in a backroom at a strip club. So a lot of people just went to the dinner, where conversation was everything from talking about our jobs to talking about spanking. It was not very different from a regular dinner with a large group of friends, people just weren’t weirded out by talk of D/s when it was brought out occasionally. There were also some couples there where the dom ordered for the sub, that kind of thing, but it wasn’t like some kind of big deal. I don’t think you have to be freaked out by the hardcore people. They know that not everyone interested in the lifestyle wants what they have.

It’s one of the most accepting communities, I’ve found, no matter what your wants and needs.

I’ve only been to one munch in my life. It wasn’t really for me because I’m not much of a “get out there and socialize with people I don’t know” person, regardless of the community, but the person I went with had a lot of fun and (I think) might have even gone to more. Afterward, a lot of the people I met kept in touch too, which was nice. Since I have limited experience though, let me turn the floor over to you, dear readers. Leave a comment with your munch experiences and advice for the lovely girl who emailed me!

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

Reader Mail #2

Rori — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 03:18:24 +0000

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com