Today, instead of a typical “Rori Asks” post, I have a special guest post from Dr. Eric Sprankle, who agreed to write about one of the most controversial topics in the world of BDSM – rape fantasies. Like with regular Tuesday Rori Asks posts, I’d love for you to weigh in at the end with your feelings about rape fantasies. Also, I’m wondering: Have you ever had a kink that embarrasses you or even makes you feel ashamed or uneasy?
Now, onto Dr. Sprankle’s post!
Question: Is it unhealthy for a woman to have rape fantasies? What if I wanted to role play these fantasies with my boyfriend? Is this wrong?
Are you worried that your sexually arousing, violent fantasies are a sign of deviance, pathology, or low self-esteem? Are you worried that some may call you “crazy,” “slut,” or “whore”? Granted, these terms may be part of your fantasy, but likely not in this context. While rape fantasies are extremely taboo and often lead to guilty feelings, the thoughts and fictional role plays can be a part of a person’s healthy sexual expression.
The concerns surrounding rape fantasies have included beliefs that the thoughts and desires are a part of unhealthy masochism, high levels of sex guilt, and a reenactment of past sexual abuse. While there is theoretical justification for these claims, the current evidence does not support these theories. In reality, there are more data supporting the fact that women who report rape fantasies have less sex guilt and are more open to a variety of sexual expressions than women not reporting such fantasies. So in short, there’s nothing wrong with you.
More reassurance should come from knowing that having rape fantasies is in no way predictive of experiencing real rape or desiring to be raped. The difference is consent. And while rape fantasies involve non-consensual behavior, they are fictional experiences. The person creating the fictional experiences is in control and is consenting to the non-consensual behavior. It may sound complicated for someone unfamiliar with these fantasies or role plays, but it’s simply this equation: non-consensual sex = real life rape; consenting to a non-consensual role play = fucking, hot sex.
Furthermore, fantasies and role play do not have to reflect real world desires. Just because you have masturbatory fantasies about being gang banged by three-legged carnies doesn’t mean you are going to be first in line at the county fair with a pocket full of rubbers.
To answer the second part of your question, involving asking your boyfriend to be involved in the role play, this can be difficult depending on the sexual values of your partner. If he is completely unaware of your rape fantasies, it may not be the best strategy to start the conversation by saying, “Honey, tonight I want you to jump out of the closet and brutally rape me on the floor.”
A better strategy would include a subtle, yet direct sharing of some of the themes of your fantasies. These themes include power differences, manipulation, blackmail, coercion, and force. Ask him his thoughts and feelings about being the dominant, powerful, or offending male in these scenarios. If he hasn’t run to the bathroom crying in horror, he may be open to the experience. But start slow. If you have fantasies involving a stranger using force, that may pose challenging for him to adopt that role. Take baby steps.
There are plenty of role plays that involve these themes that may be easier to start with and can be used as a springboard to slowly build up to the use of simulated force. Playing doctor/patient, teacher/student, warden/prisoner, supervisor/employee, masseuse/client, or Jesus/disciple all involve a power difference in the relationship that would be unethical or illegal to act out in real life. But in fantasy, it can just be a fun experience to play with power differences. And before you know it, he’ll be playing the part of the sex offender you have desired for so long.
But remember, your boyfriend has to consent to these role plays. Otherwise, you would be raping him. And not the pleasurable rape that you have been fantasizing about. This would be the type of rape that would prevent you from living close to a school for the next 20 years.
Thanks for the awesome guest post! Readers, Dr. Eric Sprankle is a clinical psychologist and psychology professor at Minnesota State University. You can read more of his sexual feedback, as well as submit your own questions, at http://scarletletters.org.
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com