I love browsing Reddit and helping people as I can, especially when they have BDSM-related questions. Earlier this week, a question caught my eye, and the poster graciously agreed to me posting it here so I could give it a proper answer (and have all of you weigh in, too).
Help with new GF, I know shes into at least some BDSM, but I dont know where to start :/
Hi all! As the title says, I met a wonderful girl, started dating her, and we are wonderfully in love with each other.
Now, this is the first girl that i’ve had a very active sexual relationship with, as i was a way-too-into-it christian for much of my life. Over the past few years, that has changed, and now i enjoy my sex nice and guilt free. The GF has been AMAZING with this fact, our sex started off meh but with some decent communication and lots (:)) of practice, it’s great now!
I am confident in my ability to please her, and we are usually very open about what we want/need to get off. However, I know (from some clandestine search bar autofill slips) that shes at least slightly into BDSM. I brought this up with her, and her response was “I dont want to have to tell you what to do”.
I can understand how that might take away from the experience of da kink, so im asking the BDSM community for some “starters tips”. Keep in mind that, while new to alot of this, i am very open minded. I just, honestly, have no idea where to start. Any advice, in general, or about this specific issue, is more than welcome. Thanks!
So, basically, what the poster (willporn12) is saying is, “Help! My girlfriend wants to be dominated and I have no idea what to do!”
I feel ya, buddy. We all do. As even my most experienced reader will tell you, we all were brand new to BDSM at one time, whether that was last week or decades ago. In fact, that’s part of why I started blogging way back in 2008 (or was it 2007? I can’t keep track…feels like ages ago!): I was brand new to BDSM and wanted a place to talk about my feelings and connect with others who were also into BDSM. It seemed so weird at the time, but now, it feels weird to think of my life any other way. 
BDSM desires definitely do not make you weird. You are not alone, no matter what your kinks and fetishes.
Here’s the advice I have for willporn12 – and for anyone out there who’s feeling nervous about a partner who is exploring feelings about D/s:
1. Start by exploring your own feelings about BDSM.
People are into domination and submission in different levels, from couples who have 24/7 slave/master relationships to couples who just like the occasionally spank or two in the bedroom. I firmly believe that a person’s BDSM sexual preferences are something you’re born with and something that can’t be changed, just like whether you’re gay or straight (or somewhere in between).
You know your girlfriend is into it, at least a little, but what about you? Look in the mirror. You say that you’re very open minded, which is awesome, but if you find that you aren’t turned on or comfortable dominating your partner, that’s not going to change. If your girl just wants a little swat now and again, but mostly vanilla lovin’, it’s probably something you can both compromise on. But if she wants a deeper D/s relationship and you’re not turned on by that, it will lead to problems later in the relationship. Dating someone that fits your sexual needs is important!
If you don’t know yet, that’s okay! You can explore and see what you’re both into. But be aware of your own feelings, too.
2. Safety first (well second, I guess, since this is point number two, but you get the point).
No matter how far down the BDSM rabbit hole you want to go, make sure you’re being safe. Hopefully, you already practice safe sex, but if you’re going to get involved with BDSM, there are a few more safety tips you need – starting with what people in this community call a “safe word.”
A safe word is a word that your partner can say as you’re dominating her if things get too painful, too stressful, too uncomfortable, or otherwise…too much. If she says this word, play stops. No ifs, ands, or buts. Domming someone can be a lot of fun, but it can also be dangerous and emotionally scarring if you don’t have respect for a safe word. Even if you’re doing light domination, a safe word is extremely important.
Make sure your safe word is something she wouldn’t normally say in bed. “No” or “Stop” are not good options, because sometimes that is naturally something a sub says, even though she wants you to continue. You don’t want an confusion. So make the word something else! “Red” is one a lot of people use, but anything easy to remember works! Another suggestion: her own name – it’s something easy to remember, but probably something she wouldn’t say in bed.
In addition to a safe word, if you’re going to go deeper into BDSM, do your research. Tying up your girlfriend can be hot, but you don’t want to cut off circulation, because that can be dangerous. Spanking is hot, but for safety reasons, not all areas of the body should be slapped or hit. Electro-toys are awesome, but make sure you know how to use them. Whatever BDSM-related kinks you want to explore, make sure you do your research first – your job as a dom is to make sure your sub is safe.
3. Open the lines of communication.
I know she said that she doesn’t want to tell you what to do, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t communicate with her about things at all. You should get her to fill out a BDSM Check List. There’s a really good one here. A BDSM Check List is basically a very long list of BDSM activities, ranging from pretty mild stuff like cybersex to VERY kinky stuff like public humiliation and being given away for others to play or being forced to accept a third person in the bedroom. You can modify this list or find others online as well.
What a list like this does, though, is both give you an idea of her specific BDSM interests, as well as teach you about her hard limits, which you should always respect. Keep in mind that these preferences and even limits might change over time, so update the list at least once or twice a year, especially if you decide to dive deeper and deeper into BDSM.
If she’s into it (taking the BDSM out of the bedroom), you can even make communication a part of your demands as a dom. Make her keep a BDSM journal or demand that she send you three pictures or videos that get her hot every week. No sub wants to “top from the bottom,” but if you make communication part of the play, she might be more receptive to talking about her desires.
4. Bring in the toys!
Sex toys can add a lot to an BDSM relationship. I wrote a great piece about sex toys for beginners here if you’re new to them. There are toys specifically for D/s couples, like whips and handcuffs, but more “vanilla” sex toys like vibrators can be used in D/s play. It’s all about how you use them.
Your girlfriend still wants you to pleasure her, but she wants you to call the shots and enjoy yourself to the fullest. So, don’t wait for her to grab a toy when she’s board. Tell her that you want to make her cum hard before your pants even come off. Then pull out a toy and use it. Or command her to masturbate with her favorite toy while you watch.
5. Read some erotica for inspiration.
If you’re brand new to domming a girl, read some erotica in the BDSM vein (or even watch some BDSM porn) to get some ideas. Now, be aware that most porn will likely be on the very “hardcore” side of things, and your girlfriend might not want that, but it can at least help you understand what is possible in the BDSM community. And it definitely helps you feel not-so-alone!
FetLife is also a great place to get more involved with the community and talk to others who are into BDSM and can give you some dom inspiration.
6. Wear the pants.
Most (read: not all, but most) girls who want to sub are looking for a more traditional relationship where her man wears the pants and is the head of the household, so to speak. Think about that in your relationship. Do you take change of making decisions like where to eat for dinner? Do you take care of problems around the house, making her feel safe and secure? Do you throw her on the bed and fuck her when you’re horny? A desire to be dommed isn’t just about bedroom play in many cases.
Again, you need to go back to point one and make sure this is what you want too, but before you say, “that just isn’t me,” take some time to explore it. In our society, I personally feel like we’re sometimes taught that traditional gender roles are not okay, but feminism isn’t about the girl taking control – it’s about both partners in a couple having the right to choose what kind of role you want to take. If your girlfriend wants to sub for you, and you enjoy taking the dom role, there’s nothing wrong with that. Test it out before you make a decision.
7. Aftercare matters.
Lastly, one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to make sure you’re prepared for sub drop after playing together. Sub drop is a feeling of emptiness a sub experiences after being dominated. When you have someone paying such close attention to you, then suddenly that is over, no matter how good the scene is, sometimes, it can be hurtful. I’ve experienced sub drop and it’s no fun. You feel sad, anxious, dirty (not in a good way), and upset, like you’re not good enough.
No scene can last 24/7; it has to come to an end. So as a dom, what can you do to help your sub?
Don’t leave, physically or emotionally. After vanilla sex, most girls want to cuddle, but after D/s sex (or any kind of domination, even if sex isn’t involved), you need super cuddles. Make sure she feels VERY loved. Tell her how proud you are of her and how good of a sub she is. Snuggle. Talk about what you both liked or did not like about the play. Understand if she needs to cry. Just love her.
Don’t plan play if you can’t spend time together afterward. Sub drop can ruin a relationship or, at the very least, lead to apprehension in the bedroom. Depending on how communicative your girlfriend is about her feelings, she might not be vocal about sub drop feelings, or she might not even know what she’s feelings, so err on the side of caution and be there for her.
Readers – it’s now over to you. What advice do you have for someone who is brand new to BDSM and exploring it for the first time at a partner’s request?
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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