The Feel Good Project is officially canceled. Why? Because I don’t feel good. And I’m not going to pretend that I do. And that’s not going to change in a few weeks.
Someone tore out my heart tonight, ripped it into pieces, chewed on it, threw it away. And the worst part is? Not only did he not mean to do it, but I truly believe that it hurt him too.
And I can’t stop crying. Crying for the things that could have been. Crying for the things I didn’t get to share with him yet. Crying. Crying for all the places he promised to show me that he now never will. Crying because he used to talk to me like I was the only girl in the world. Crying for the chance that I never got. Crying and crying and crying, and being mad at myself for not being able to stop.
Crying because I wasn’t worth it. You can package that statement however you want. It doesn’t mean that he hates or even dislikes me. But at the end of the day, he looked at the things he likes about me and he weighed them against the things he does not like about me, and he decided that it wasn’t worth it to try to be friends.
I don’t understand that. He says that I’m not hearing him, but there’s a difference between hearing someone and just completely not understanding what they could possibly be thinking.
I don’t understand looking at someone and saying “I like you. I think you’re a great person. I’m going to miss you. You were really special in my life” and then walking away because you think that there will be arguments in the future because parts of your personality clash.
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard! That’s LIFE. In life, personalities clash when you have a friendship with someone. And you work through it and move on together. You don’t always agree. You say you’re sorry and you put things behind you. You realize that emotions run high at times because of other things going on in life. You just say “forget it” and not let the situation escalate into drama.
But…”Hey, I feel really great about our friendship right now, but it might suck in the future, so it’s better to just end things today” doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t.
And here’s what makes me even angrier: he was so clear about the fact that we don’t know one another well yet. I agree. But then HOW can you tell what a future friendship will be like?
I’m NOT LIKE the girls in his past. I’M NOT. And I’m being judged and persecuted because he thinks I am. Because he thinks he knows me. I’m being cut out of his life because of future things that may never happen! I fucking HATE that fucking BITCH who ruined him. Because that could have been me instead, and I would have NEVER, EVER ruined him.
This post is quickly becoming angrier than I wished it to be. I’m not angry at him. I’m angry at the entire world right now. I hate it. I hate the thought of someone out there knowing such personal things about me, but not wanting to be in my life. It makes me sick. I hate the fact of not even knowing if he is ok.
But I can’t hate him. I can’t hate him because he’s one of the most beautiful people I know, despite his flaws. Maybe it would be easier if I actually could hate him. Then I’d feel like there was a reason for all of this nonsense. I see his flaws and I love them. Why? Because people’s flaws make the good things about them shine through even more. People’s flaws remind me that I’m not alone in being imperfect.
There’s no reason at all for this. Because in life, people are important. Money, things, even intangibles like hope…they are not important if you don’t have people in your life who really, truly care about you. And I’m sorry, but I don’t think that comes around often, and I just couldn’t imagine throwing that away for arguments that may never happen.
I don’t regret the things I told him. And I do hope that he’ll never try to use them against me. I’d like to say that I trust him that he’ll not use them against me, but to be honest, I don’t. I want to trust him, but he also listened to me explain that EVERYONE leaves my life because I’m too clingy and he told me to trust him that he was different. And regardless of his intentions, we see how that worked out.
I doubt he’ll ever be back in my life. To me, that’s the saddest thing in the world. We agreed to let the door open for the future, but I don’t think it will ever happen. I think in a few years, I’ll call him to try to at least extend a hand of friendship, and I don’t think he’ll call back, even if he misses me. I think he has it set in his mind that he’s figured out who I am, and he doesn’t want that person in his life.
It’s just a shame. It’s a shame that I was final able to start opening up to someone and he turned and ran. It’s a shame that something so beautiful has to end, especially because it doesn’t actually have to.
A lot of people may say, “Rori, why do you even care? Clearly he doesn’t care enough about you to want you in his life, so why care about him?”
Because love doesn’t work that way, my friends. As the people in my life will tell you, when I love someone, I love them. Even if they hate me. Even if they destroy me. My love is unconditional. And beyond that, I think he DOES care. I think he cares so much that he’s afraid of hurting me and getting hurt too. I think that the fact that I love him so much really, really scares him.
“And, Rori, how can you love someone you barely know?”
You love someone because you do. It isn’t about romance and saying “I love you.” Haha, I am in NO WAY ready to say “I love you” to someone after so short of a time. That’s different. The type of love I mean is just…the ability to see past yourself and just care about someone in whatever way you can. It doesn’t matter if he cares about me or not. He could forget all about me tomorrow. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about him. And I have since the very first time we ever spoke. I just knew. And he may not understand that – you, dear reader, may not understand that. But I just knew that this was someone I was meant to love.
I will never, ever lose that hope that he’ll be back and fill that hole he’s left in me. No one else can fill it. I will never, ever not think about him. And when I think of him, it will both make me sad and brighten my day. There is no point where he would call me and I would not welcome him back into my life with open arms.
Come back. Come back.
I will never stop calling out to him, even if it’s only in my own mind.
But yeah…the Feel Good Project is CANCELED. Maybe next year, folks.
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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Don’t cancel your Feel Good Project, you need it now more than ever.
Nothing I can say will help but I do kind of understand what you are going through.
*hugs*
I appreciate your comment, Aurore. I just have to. I can’t bring myself to put on a happy face when I know that I feel so horrible inside.
It is not the same as a real tight loving hug in real life, but I am sending you loads of online hugs. Maybe you can chalk this year up to becoming the “feel BETTER” year and then next year can be the “feel Fantastic” year. We all feel what we feel, whether anyone understands it or not. And it is hard to try to pretend to feel something you don’t. Take things one day at a time. Sending another hug now. Poppet.
Thanks, Poppet. It means a lot to me.