Building Your Butt Plug Collection Is Like Building Rome: It Won’t Happen In a Day.
If you’re to the point where you shoving stuff up your butt for sexual gratification, then chances are you’ve had time to figure out what you like and don’t like. If you haven’t made it that far yet, not only are you missing out on some of the best sex of your life but you’re probably still sore from the last experiment you pulled. Ass play is not a game, nor is it for the faint of heart. And I would know. I was once hospitalized for cramming a gerbil up my ass. Oh wait, that was Richard Gere.
Whoever it was, there’s one thing that’s for damn sure: What goes up your ass stays up your ass if you’re not careful and if it’s not willing to come out (like a dead gerbil, for example). Because of that well-known hard-knock fact of life, most sane people carefully vet out a good butt plug before the party starts. Should you happen to be one of those people who has tried this the hard way and are now coming back around to look for help afterwards, I have only one thing to say to you: Have a seat (if you can) and get your learn on. We’re about to uncover more butt plugs facts than you ever wanted to know. Hey, you asked for it.
I just so happen to be a butt plug connoisseur, both in my private life and in my professional realm. I can sense an amazing butt plug from 2000 paces and have yet to be wrong about whether one is worth its weight or not. You might say I have an eye for the brown eye, or is it that I’m gifted when it comes to gettin’ it on? I’m obviously not a talented writer. I had to have a backup plan, right?
So, as I was grinding out a future (pun intended), I discovered a few things about butt plug shopping that I think everyone should know. Shopping for a new butt plug is already hard enough, especially considering you don’t get to try it before you buy it. Adding the sheer variety, body issues and budgetary concerns can make this adventure feel more like a nightmare. I’ve been there and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy, so I’ve complied a short list of things you need to know or think about before ever even looking at the first (or next) butt plug:
There’s no point in buying a butt plug if it doesn’t do its job, am I right? On the same token, it’s pointless to buy a butt plug if you’re unfamiliar with your body. Your turd tunnel is very sensitive, not to mention super tight and filled with delicate nerve endings. Slide the wrong thing up in there and it’s curtains on a normal digestive life. Do this right, though, and you’ll never have sex the same way again.
Before looking for a butt plug, ask yourself the following questions:
- Is this for me or my partner (or both of us)?
- Are there any ass play virgins on board?
- What size butt plug do I think would feel the greatest?
Unfortunately, nobody can answer those questions for you, nor can you skip them. You see, too many people forget to think about where they stand or what they’re wanting and simply allow manufacturers and marketers tell them. I don’t suggest that, my friends. Modern-day sex toy manufacturers already have us all by the balls with their clever advertisements; let’s at least make them work for the money.
A new, luxurious butt plug: Do you think you can handle it? I mean with your hands, pervs. The ergonomics of any butt plug will play a huge role in how you use it (and how it feels). So if you have “clumsy thumbs,” as my mother used to say, then I’d recommend buying a butt plug that has special features to help you keep a hold of it during sex and/or masturbation. Furthermore, if you have mobility problems and/or arthritis may want to stay away from certain models because of their overall design which makes them difficult to insert and remove for some people. Have you even thought about how graceful you are (or aren’t)? Yeah, probably not.
Knowing how much money you plan to spend on a new butt plug before you go shopping is always a good idea. However, it’s also important to realize that you may not have a good grasp on the market yet, meaning that preliminary budget should be just that – preliminary. Be prepared for surprises and understand that butt plug ownership is a responsibility that requires additional supplies. Making sure you have things like lubricants and toy cleaning solutions is just as, if not more, important than the state of your bank account and butthole.
I wish I could give you an average price for a good butt plug but I can’t. These things range so widely in type and quality that it’s nearly impossible for anyone to find a correlation between them aside from their intended use, much less their cost. In general, however, good ones are usually more expensive than the butt plugs that you could live without. On the other hand, I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying a great butt plug at a great price, but don’t expect that kind of double whammy these days. It seems like everyone’s gotten greedy.
This final consideration has nothing to do with how much time you have to use your new toy. It does, however, have everything to do with the depth of the butt plug you’re about to play with. How deep do you like it? Will you have to take off your watch to go retrieve that thing when you’re done? Sometimes, it’s about the length of something, not necessarily the girth. Some people like it wide and some like it deep, which team do you play for?
Once you’ve determined the things mentioned above, you’ll then be one more step closer to finding the butt plug that will make all your dreams come true (as long as “all your dreams” includes nothing but butt sex with martial aids). We can’t all live the dream and review sex toys for a living. So in the meantime, arm yourself with an arsenal of knowledge and avoid the pitfalls of ignorance. Oh, and you might also want to know why a butt plug is such a solid investment in your sex life, but we’ll get to that.
Why a Butt Plug Though?
First of all, you’re not the only one who’s been wondering what all the fuss is about when it comes to butt plugs. These man-made self-pleasure devices are so popular that they’ve even been discussed and featured in well-known publications such as Cosmopolitan and Vogue Magazines. But aside from their relative mainstream acceptance, good butt plugs can provide things to you in the bedroom than no other sex toy can. And I’m not just saying that to be facetious; I actually own a half dozen butt plugs, so I know all this from first-hand experience.
My butt plug has become my best friend, but don’t tell my best friend that. I only have one or two things I like about my number one pal. As for the many butt plugs in my enormous sex toy collection, I have at least five. And before you ask, here are the top five things I like about owning and using butt plugs:
REASON NUMERO UNO – They’re one of the best toys to use for gratifying prostate stimulation. Whether you’re a male or female, it doesn’t matter. The right butt plug will reach the sweet spot every time, offering you and your partner the kinds of experiences you’ve only talked about when you were drunk.
REASON NUMBER TWO – Some of the better butt plugs on the market even have features that are specially designed to stimulate other parts of your body besides the anus. Things like ridged perineum pads and clitoral stimulators are more or less the norm now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a good basic butt plug without all the bells and whistles. It’s literally a free-for-all out there, you guys.
REASON NUMBER THREE – They say anything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough, but no bravery is needed to turn your butt plug into a dildo when you’re done with all the butt lovin’. As long as you thoroughly wash and dry the plug before switching holes there should be no risk involved. So basically, you get two sex toys in one when you buy a decent butt plug and that’s worth the money no matter who you are.
REASON NUMBER FOUR – Well-made butt plugs can also perform double duty in a different way. Say you and your partner want to engage in a little double penetration. Having a luxurious butt plug waiting on the bedside table can turn his or her frown upside down in a hurry. Stick the plug in at the same time as your favorite dildo and go to town. Add vibrations to any or all of those and you’ll be calling in “sick” to work for the next month.
REASON NUMBER FIVE – Among all the sex toys available to modern men, butt plugs are probably the easiest to take care of. They’re usually made from a water-friendly material that wipes of quickly and dries even faster. Plus, most models are super compact and can therefore be stashed away without much of an issue. On the other hand, butt plugs can get nasty if you don’t take care of them properly. Some models are larger than others, some come with a separate storage container and some don’t. Play your cards right.
The Top 5 Ways to Tell If That Butt Plug Is Worth It or Not
No matter what a stripper tells you, there’s no sex in the champagne room and no two butt plugs are the same. But aside from the obvious, there are a few other things that can help you differentiate between the options sitting in your shopping cart. As always, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 things you can look at or examine to tell if that butt plug you’re holding can pull its own weight or not:
You already know that the size of something matters a lot when that “something” is going into a spot with limited space. Your butthole: It qualifies as that sort of space even though it can stretch quite a bit. So when you’re shopping around for a new butt plug, don’t forget to think about your poor poo-poo shoot. It has no will of its own, although it can generate an orgasm independent of a vaginal one. That means you have a responsibility to it, and that is to expose your sphincter to sex toys with body-appropriate dimensions only.
To determine the dimensions of any butt plug you’re considering, there are a few options. One: You can look on the manufacturer’s website or on the product’s label for measurement information, which should include total length, insertable length, total width and circumference. If that stuff isn’t mentioned on the box or website, it could be a red flag that you’re getting a bad product. However, it may also have something to do with the company you bought it from or the way it was shipped to your house. Either way, double check the dimensions and then cross reference those numbers with what you think would be a comfortable fit in Uranus.
How that butt plug shapes up will matter bunches, pumpkin. If you think that the overall form and function of your butt plug aren’t related then think again. Here’s a strong example: Imagine a square butt plug with a blunt head and sharp edges. How good do you think that would feel? Ok, get out of here freaks – I’m talking to the normal people. There’s a lot to be said about a literally “well-rounded” butt plug and you don’t seem like you need much more convincing.
Most of today’s best butt plugs feature rounded and/or tapered heads to accommodate all anus sizes and allow for gradual increase in girth as the user sees fit. Those models are going to be your best bet, even if you’re an old pro at prostate play. Tapered ends help you insert and/or remove the device with ease (and without that annoying fart sound), plus they feel heavenly if they’re lubed up adequately. And since the anus does not produce its own fluids, lubrication is important regardless of the shape of butt plug you choose.
The materials your butt plug is made out of directly affect your experience with it as well. If you’re into temperature play, I suggest going for a device that’s made from either metal or glass. There are some amazing models out there that are comprised of medical-grade stainless-steel or beautifully blown glass, meaning you can now turn your bad habits into an art installation in a pinch. If friction is more your style, go for a skin that’s made from high-end silicone, TPE or another type of polycarbonate material. Not only are those options skin-safe but they’re also excellent alternatives to metal and glass and terrific partners with most water-based lubes.
As always, make sure you don’t have an sensitivities or allergies to certain chemicals. While you probably won’t find a material ingredients list, you can usually tell a good product by how soft and smooth the fiber is. Look for rips, tears and general signs of instability at the same time as examining its overall texture and craftsmanship. If you see seams, run. If you spot bubbles, jet. But if you find one without a single blemish, call me. Keep in mind that these things are mass produced, which means some not-so-perfect devices will slip through the cracks. Don’t knock an entire brand over one fluke.
Ergonomics are a group of scientific measurements and algorithms designed to create products that are both functional and optimally useful. In other words, if you can’t hold on to your butt plug or if you can’t get it out of your ass, then what fun is that? So while the subject of ergonomics may not be the most enjoyable one to discuss, it’s still important.
The ergonomics of any butt plug will determine many things: Its usefulness, its user-friendliness, its ability to get you off. Good butt plugs should be easy to grip and hold onto even if your hands are full of lube. Furthermore, they need to have pull-out tabs or handles for safety. Even if you’re a self-proclaimed p-spot pro, I do not recommend using a butt plug without an exit strategy. Do we have to go back and talk about Richard Gere again?
Last but certainly not least, consider the features. Some high-tech butt plugs have things like various-speed vibration, motion sensors and remote controls. You may not need all of that to cop a decent orgasm, but those things are definitely worth taking a look at. Think about how you intend to use your butt plug and then find one that has the features you need. Anything more than that is just greedy, but then again, greedy is what will get you off. My advice: Always go for the extra features. You can always turn them off if you don’t like them, but you can’t add them if you don’t have them. #frugal
The Three Kings: My Favorite Butt Plugs
I just so happen to have another short list for ya’ll, and this one is my top three list of the best and brightest butt plugs on today’s sex toy market. Don’t get it twisted though; none of the toys mentioned below are perfect. Each one has a flaw or two and I will briefly cover that in the description thereof. So without further ado, let’s get with the program, shall we?
BEST OVERALL: The We-Vibe Ditto
Considered the world’s most premium butt plug, this remote-controlled bad boy has everything you’d want in a toy that’s getting shoved where the sun won’t shine. Not only is the We-Vibe Ditto flexible at the base but it’s also relatively slim yet substantial enough to have a demonstrative presence. It’s also easy to insert, remove and wear (even for long periods), plus it features an asymmetrical shape to make it comfortable in a variety of positions. I forgot to mention it vibrates with the push of a button and even comes with free We-Connect app for your smart device. The app, which is free to download, lets you further customize your experience, download porn, and engage in long-distance love-making with a partner.
PRO: It’s hands-down the best couple’s play butt plug on the shelves, plus it can be used in solo mode too.
CON: It may not be big enough for some people.
BEST FOR BEGINNERS: The B-Vibe Trio
Another amazing high-tech contender, the rechargeable B-Vibe Trio is an ideal butt plug for beginners and for people who know exactly what they like. With three powerful motors inside the device, this rock ‘em sock ‘em robot allows you feel a greater portion of the 8 optional vibration levels and 9 patterns available as they gyrate through the tip, the shaft and the base of the plug. Precision p-spot handling is the name of the game with this one, making it the perfect tool to make someone fall in love with ass play. Small and flexible yet sturdy and substantial, the B-Vibe is also splash proof and comes with a wireless remote control that works up to 30 feet away.
PRO: The remote makes this butt plug great for surprise butt sex and partner control.
CON: It may not have the battery life that some people would want in a butt plug.
BEST FOR RIM JOBS: The B-Vibe Rimmer
Rim job lovers unite. There’s finally a rimming butt plug that actually feels like it’s supposed to. The B-Vibe brand’s Rimmer model is nothing to laugh at even though it’s brightly colored and whimsical looking. With a powerful motor sending vibrations to your p-spot and beyond, this thing is equipped with rotating beads that work in unison to create a sensation that rivals natural oral sex. The BVR caters to fans of analingus (AKA “tossed salads”), and even includes a wireless LED remote control that works up to 30 feet away. Ideal for experimental couple’s play and self-pleasure sessions alike, this bad mamma-jamma is no joke when it comes to making you cum.
PRO: The combined features feel a lot like the real thing while offering the additional sensations of deep penetration.
CON: It may be too large for beginners.
The End Game
Choosing the best butt plug can be hard, but it doesn’t have to be that way. A good butt plug will suit your body type, budget and butt sex goals. And since the goal is to finally get the orgasm you’ve been waiting for, it’s important that you move carefully prior to spending money. The most important thing, however, is that the features on whichever butt plug you buy come together seamlessly to provide you and/or your partner with a satisfying sexual experience (hopefully more than once). If that calls for a 6-inch butt plug with half a dozen vibe functions, a flared base and a wireless LED remote control, then so be it. Like Vegas, what happens in your ass stays in your ass . . . unless you’re a gerbil, in which case, you get surgically removed and talked about on TMZ.