Having a blog is wonderful for me because I can let the skeletons out of the closet, air my dirty laundry so to speak. There are only a handful of people in “real life” (I hate that term – why isn’t online interaction real?) who know that this is my blog. To everyone else reading this, I’m just a slut on the Internet. As it stands, I believe there are only five people from my personal life who know that this is my blog. And somedays, I think that’s even five too many.
It hurts sometimes, what I have to say here.It hurts me to write it because I’m forced to organize my hectic thoughts. It hurts the people I write about (and sometimes those I don’t because I’m not writing about them). But if nothing else, this place is mine, a place where I can say what I want to say, even if no one wants to hear it.
For the record, the blog list is coming. I promise. I know I keep saying that, but I promise it is true.
This weekend, I got the chance to see some people that I haven’t seen in quite a long time. Generally, V and I have been happy; you know that if you are a regular around these parts. But you should also know that I don’t choose to write every feeling here, and in the last few weeks, I’ve definitely been feeling moments of unhappiness. I talked to V about it. We’ve made some changes in our relationship. Things, in my opinion, have been better. On paper. The unhappiness remained, and it took this weekend for me to fully understand why.
After talking to a friend (who doesn’t know about this site or even about the d/s situation), I’ve come to realize that there are people in this world that I care about other than V. I like the guy a lot. I even love him, though love is a weird word because it means something different to every person. But maybe we jumped into exclusivity too quickly. Or maybe I’m just not cut out for it. In any case, there are some other people in my life who I also care about on a level higher than “just friends,” and I’ve been holding back my love for these people because I didn’t think it was right to feel that way while dating V (or dating anyone for that matter).
But it hurts. It hurts to know that I could love someone so openly and freely if the situation was different. Would I be happier? I honestly don’t know, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. So, last night, I talked to V and asked to open our relationship. To continue dating, but to also see other people for the time being. We could have rules about sex, rules about spending time, rules about being one another’s “primaries.” I just wanted to be able to love multiple people the way my heart said I should.
And V said no.
Although he’d consider opening the relationship to a second girl who would date both of us, he doesn’t want anything about our relationship to be poly otherwise. And I see his point of view, I understand it, and I respect it. A second girl could be lovely, but it isn’t really what I want.
So V and I have found ourselves as a crossroads.
I don’t want to give up on us. We have a nice relationship cooking on the stove, and we do really care about one another. Despite the problems we do have, there are moments that I’m so drunk with love that I can’t stand it. I like taking care of him. I like being with him. I like listening to him. And I want to know what the future has for us as a couple.
I don’t know if that will happen, though. Since he said no, I’m willing to sacrifice the other people in my life (as potential relationships, not as friends) for him. He said he’s not sure if he wants me to do that. I think at the end of the day, V wants to do what is best for me. He’s my dom. That’s what doms do. He wouldn’t want me to be miserable just to make him happy.
I’m not sure I would be, and that’s why we’re both confused and unsure of the right path. I know that I would be happiest dating V and seeing others on the side…dating and maybe even someday marrying V, but being able to love how love takes me. That’s not an option for V, so that leaves two alternatives – we stay together as we are now or we break up and I don’t have him in my life romantically anymore, but I do have other people. To be honest, both choices break my heart a little, but the choice I’ve made is that I’d rather continue being with V. Relationships are a two-way street, and he hasn’t yet made his choice. He promised he’d talk to me about it by Monday (today) sometime. We haven’t talked all day, and it kills me. I miss him.
Is just V enough for me? Is one person ever going to be enough for me? I honestly don’t know, but I hope I have the chance to find out. I don’t regret talking to him about my feelings though. He deserved to know, even though I’m sure it hurt to hear that. Right now, all I can do is wait to see if V wants to keep me as his own or if this will be the last decision he makes for me as my daddy.
About Rori
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com
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I myself only have one person from real life who reads my blog. I sometimes wonder if I should be completely open, but then you should use it for what it is. A medium to be completely open and say what you feel. I hope everything works out like how you want to. Stay true to what you want. End of the day D/s should benefit you, not someone else, even if you are sub. Unfortunately in life sometimes we dont get what we want, but dont give up. Keep working at it. Sory, rambling a bit here.
I think it’s important that you told V how you feel. At the end of the day you don’t want your regret to be that you “wish” you had, you know? Good luck!
In my personal opinion, for me, I wouldn’t be fully happy. Monogamy is just not how I’m wired. To go against the grain on that one is too hard.
In general when a significant other says no to an open relationship, it is their fears of losing you, of jealousy, that are taking the helm. That you’ll find someone better and you’ll run off into the sunset with that someone better.
If you need any help with anything at all, email me, ok?
I wish I had some advice, I really do. But there’s not a lot to say, I hope that your decision proves to be the right one and that you find happiness. Big hugs!
xxxx
I couldn’t be any closer from your situation. I’m living it at the moment, and it splits me into two when I pass up another guy just to be in an open relationship with my ex. And problem is that I know it won’t turn into anything serious- never marriage or full term commitment. He doesn’t believe in monogamy forever. He doesn’t believe in marriAge any more. I think his divorce had a lot to do with it and maybe I just met him at the wrong time…..
thank you for sharing your side
It’s certainly a dilemma you’re facing. It’s hard to give advice because only you can know what’s right for you. In the end, you have to go with your gut and go with what you feel is right for you. Good luck.
FD