BMS Buyer’s Guide

Procuring the Perfect Penis Pump

We can’t all come sliding out of the womb with a perfect penis. If we did, the world would have more porn stars than teachers and we’d all be screwed (in the worst way possible). I mean, a large portion of the male population has the tip of their dick chopped off by an overzealous doctor as soon as light hits their face. The others: Bound to secrecy for fear of being made fun of in gym class. Apparently, the human shlong isn’t suitable in its natural, unadulterated state. Don’t look at me; I didn’t design them.

Circumcised or otherwise, the main qualm has nothing to do with the presence of a foreskin, or lack thereof. Usually, problems arise in terms of shape and/or size. Men don’t really give a damn about whether their family jewels are pretty or not. Ugly dicks get the job done too. What the fellas want is for their cocks to inspire arousal and passion in their partner. Unfortunately, a small or skinny dick will probably never get you there.

And if you happen to be one of those lucky guys who gets tons of sex without having an impressive penis, I only have one thing to say: You, sir, are a freak of nature. But, if you can get laid that much with a lackluster lap monster, then think about all the ass you’ll be swimming in once you get your hands on a good penis pump. The possibilities are virtually endless for guys like you.

As for everyone else, hesitation will get you nowhere. Back in the day, I could see why a guy would be hesitant about buying or trying a new penis pump. However, today’s penis pumps are nothing like they once were – crappy, cumbersome contraptions with rudimentary components and a very slight efficacy rate. Thanks to modern scientific advancements in the understanding of human anatomy, penis pumps are now high-tech, handheld and highly effective. Dare I say they’re amazing?

It was once considered taboo for a man to use a pump on his penis unless it was for medical purposes only. But just like some people now freely dye their hair, wear slimming corsets and get breast implants, changing what we look like and what we’re packing under our clothes is no longer seen as a bad thing. After all, men want the same amount of control over the physical cards they were dealt. The double standard has got to go.

Fortunately, that wave of unfairness has begun to subside, and with it a plethora of newly liberated men who aren’t afraid to pump their penis into submission. However, the new demand has caused some sex toy manufacturers to slap together whatever they could and sell it as a legit penis pump. The now flooded market makes it difficult for the average Joe to find anything worth his while, causing many to give up the ghost completely. Penis pumps may not be literally a dime a dozen, but there are still more options than any one of us can shake our stick at.

Why a Penis Pump Though?

To appreciate the value of a good penis pump you must first understand what one is (and isn’t). Put simply, a penis pump is a manual or automatic tool that gets placed around the shaft of your penis and is used to increase the size and/or girth of it. Methods used to accomplish that goal vary as widely as the models designs available and the men who use them.

Despite the vast and surprising variety on today’s market, the main purpose of any penis pump has always been to enhance the appearance and performance level of the user’s family jewels. With continual practice (according to the manufacturer’s instructions), most men will see a gradual overall improvement to their penis. And that’s even the case with less than perfect models or with pumps that don’t get used exactly as directed. Regular use with a high-end device typically renders positive results much quicker but finding that “better device” can be an uphill battle.

Luckily, a little research and a savvy shopper’s mind is all it takes for anyone to find a penis pump that actually works. Within a few weeks or months, and without undergoing surgery, taking pills or slapping on any magic potions, the average man can enjoy the following five benefits from a properly utilized penis pump:

  • Thicker, fuller erections
  • Increased sexual gratification
  • Boosted bedroom confidence
  • Enhanced performance
  • Customizable and discreet self-improvement

In fact, the perfect penis pump will forcefully (yet painlessly) crank and yank your junk until it’s the length and girth you desire. However, some may models have a ceiling on the amount of change they can instigate, even with regular and rigorous use. Furthermore, not all penis pumps are the same size or shape, and the price tags are variant too. A comprehensive buyer’s guide is what you need to figure out which model would work best, so keep reading and nobody gets hurt (or goes broke).

To make the most of any device you’re considering, be sure to know the following three things before handing over any cash:

  • How to Properly Use a Penis Pump

All penis pumps on today’s market are different, but they all work in the same basic way. A form of suction or traction is used to stimulate penile cell growth, resulting in more mass over time. Some can be used casually, taken into the shower, or worn under loose-fitting clothes, while others must be utilized at specific times throughout the day under the strict guidelines of a rigorous exercise regimen. Just be sure you’re ready for a learning curve, especially if you pick out a penis pump that uses complicated components or precisely timed workout routines.

  • How to Determine the Length and Circumference of Your Penis 

Because modern-day penis pumps aren’t your one-size-fits-all models of yesteryear, it’s important to know the dimensions of your ding-dong before proceeding. Certain pumps are designed for smaller Johnsons, but some of the more complex models can house larger love sticks with a few minor adjustments. Usually, though, penis pumps are made for men whose dicks are. . .well, nothing to write home about. Find out if that penis pump will work by making two measurements: One when your dick is hard and another when it’s flaccid. Average those two figures to determine your overall penis size, and then compare that to the dimensions of the devices you’re considering.

  • How Much Money You’re Willing to Spend 

Understand that a good penis pump is designed to be a companion that offers real change in an area of your life that would be otherwise intolerable. As such, highly functional pumps are not always cheap. And while price is not always indicative of quality, it makes more sense to come prepared than to be unpleasantly surprised later. Formulate a budget ahead of time, and don’t be afraid to make adjustments along the way. Take note of any penis pumps that require extra parts or supplies and consider whether you’ll be able to afford the upkeep on that kind of device or not. And although many high-end pumps are relatively self-contained, you’ll still need to spend some of your dough on things like lubrication and toy cleaner. Don’t be a noob, you guys.

Preparing for this journey isn’t about having unrealistic expectations. No product is perfect, per say, but settling for whatever you find is what losers do. Be a winner Picking out the perfect penis pump is kind of tricky, I’ll give you that. but it isn’t as hard as I’ve probably made it sound. Yes, there are literally thousands of models to choose from. And yes, they’re all very different in the way they look, feel and operate. But, if you have a few pointers to get you started then there’s practically nothing standing between you and the perfect penis (pump).

The Top 5 Ways to Tell If That Penis Pump Is Worth It or Not

If there’s one thing I know about shopping for penis pumps it’s that certain factors matter a whole lot more than others. While appearance and price are certainly worth considering, only rookie shoppers will pay sole attention to things like product attractiveness, cost and brand popularity. They’ll likely fall for whatever a marketer tells them too, even if that’s something like “This penis pump is better than everything else in the entire world!” Many modern-day penis pumps are awesome, I’ll give them that, but it’s the competition between brands that keeps this stuff interesting.

The demand from men plus the rivalry between manufacturers has left behind countless models that range widely in quality and effectiveness. At the same time, that trend is what’s made the market so flooded with confused consumers, and that’s also what’s making this ‘shopping for a good penis pump‘ thing so hard for you guys. I feel your pain. But have no fear,  a handy dandy buying guide (that makes practical sense) is finally here. After all, sexy and savvy SOBs like you and me need a little more information before we fork over our funds.

Be sure to check out the following five features on any penis pump you’re considering:

  • The Dimensions 

I try not to concentrate on size very much when speaking to a crowd of men who have issues with the length and/or thickness of their penis, but this needs to be discussed and settled once and for all. The dimensions of your dick may not be where you want them to be, but that penis pump better fit like a glove. Otherwise, whatever goes on inside that tube will have little to no effect.

Penis pumps come in all shapes and sizes, but the average device accommodates penises between three and seven inches long, with most pumps allowing for 1-3 inches in circumference. Depending on how the pump is designed, however, you may be able to adjust certain dimensions as progress is achieved. Keep in mind that while adjustable/customizable pumps are far more convenient than the rigid options, too much fiddling with a complicated mechanism can get frustrating, confusing and may do damage to the integrity of the device. Follow the manufacturer’s instructions exactly to avoid that shit show.

  • The Methods of Madness 

The way any penis pump works is an important consideration, as it will weigh heavily on how effective (and enjoyable) the pump is as a therapeutic device. And while penis pumps in general have become a lot more mainstream in the last few decades, some of the better models are still designed and developed using expert medical guidance. Especially regarding pumps made to help with Peyronie’s disease (or curvature of the penis), some sort of doctor’s magic was typically involved to make the product as safe and effective as possible. Usually, devices like that cost a bit more but they tend to be well worth the price.

Furthermore, both casually developed and medically-engineered penis pumps use a wide variety of techniques to bring about penile growth. In most cases, some sort of traction or suction is used in conjunction with frequent masturbation. At times, a penis pump manufacturer will also recommend lifestyle or habit changes to improve results. Those changes generally include everything from applying topical creams several times a day to swallowing dietary supplements that support reproductive health. As long as you’re up for the challenge, you can make this penis improvement project as complicated as you want.

  • The Time Commitment

I have commitment issues, meaning I’m not a fan of having to use a product for a really long time before I see results. With that said, a little patience goes a long way when it comes to using a penis pump. Even the best models on the market can’t promise results, and all of them state that each guy’s experience will be different. With that said, how much time do you have to get familiar with this new penis pump of yours? Better yet, is your schedule clear enough to accommodate whatever usage schedule is necessary?

Many high-end penis pumps offer virtually instantaneous results, but those results are nowhere near permanent and they must be constantly maintained. But unlike penis extenders, pumps aren’t always made to be worn under clothes for long periods of time. So, it will probably serve you best to find a penis pump that doesn’t have to be used for several hours at a time. Moreover, I’d shoot for a pump with a comfort ring or quick release valve or something like that. Your lap will thank you later.

  • The Materials 

You may not be a material girl but you’re most certainly living in a material world. And with all the different chemical concoctions used to make modern-day sex products , it’s stupid not to pay attention to the materials used to make those penis pumps you’re considering. Rashes are embarrassing, but that’s mostly because they’re generally avoidable. Show up to the pants party with a small dick and a large allergic reaction and you’ll never get an invitation again.

Furthermore, the type of materials with which that penis pump is made can determine how easy it is to clean, what kinds of lubricants you can use with it, and where you can store it when you’re done. For the best (and simplest) penis pump ownership experience, stick with materials like silicone, TPE plastic or glass. Keep in mind that the materials used should be listed either on the product’s label or on the manufacturer’s website. Don’t find out what it’s made of the hard way.

  • The Design 

Improving the penis is hard. Or, does the saying go “A hard penis is an improvement?” Either way, the methods used by the maker will always determine the design of the pump, and that design will thereby determine how easy (or not) the device is to use. Most penis pumps come with instructions, so that helps. But what happens when the instructions are terribly written and the pump itself requires a degree in engineering to operate? Seriously though, just be sure the one you’re considering is user-friendly enough for your intelligence level.

I’ve watched many otherwise smart guys fall victim to clever advertising – claims that a penis pump is super easy to use and clean, or that it renders quick and painless results without much effort at all. Know this: You will have to put some work into this. Cast aside those commitment issues and make a conscious decision to not only buy a good penis pump but to actually use it as directed. Whether it requires a little energy on your behalf or a lot is a matter of studying the overall design carefully. Forget what everyone says; is that penis pump right for you?

The Three Kings: My Favorite Penis Pumps

Now that you’ve gotten your PhD in Penis Pumpery, you’re just about ready to face the music. What follows are, in my opinion, the best penis pumps money can buy. I understand that my suggestions will not be for everybody, so feel free to dismiss any of the devices mentioned below. The point of this exercise is to give you a taste of what’s out there and to help you see the current cream of the crop for yourself.

BEST OVERALL: The BathMate HydroXtreme Series

As the BathMate brand’s most premium product, the HydroXtreme Series remains the most powerful penis pump in all the land. Not only does it come with an enormous accessories pack, but it also offers one of the only hands-free pumping systems in the industry. With an additional attachable handball pump and a detachable shower strap, this HXS pump set is both convenient and versatile. It’s available in three different sizes– 5,7, or 9 (inches, respectively), which means it can be used by men with large penises too – a feature that’s virtually unheard of in the pump world thus far. It also comes with a comfort insert so it never pinches or snags, plus it features a quick release valve in case things get too intense. Oh yeah, and the manufacturer offers a 60-day money-back guarantee if you don’t see any results.

PRO: This pump and its impressive accessory set are both snuggled inside a sleek black zip-up case that doubles as storage and includes a measuring gauge, cleaning sponge, and security lock.

CON: It must be used while you’re in water (bath, shower, pool, hot tub, etc.), hence the “Hydro” part of its name.

SIMPLEST DESIGN: The Penomet

If you’re looking for a penis pump that’s been scientifically proven as safe and effective, then the Penomet may be the perfect choice. Officially certified and customer sanctified, this rather compact device doesn’t look like a serious contender at first. However, once you notice its thick polycarbonate tube and the colorful, durable gaiters you may think otherwise. Its makers claim that the Penomet can add up to three inches of length and as much as 30% to girth, and best of all, it’s accomplished within just a few short weeks (for most men). This award-winning pump has a release valve, a manufacturer’s warranty and one of the only 60-day money-back guarantees in the entire penis pump kingdom.

PRO: It’s a simple penis pumping system that can be used inside or outside of the water.

CON: The fast results are only possible if you and your penis have the time to follow the rigorous workout routine which requires pumping 15-30 minutes, 5 days a week.

MOST HIGH-TECH: The FleshPump

Made by one of the best-known and most trusted brands in the industry, the Fleshlight FleshPump is an innovative penis pump with simplicity on its mind. It has a generous insertable length of 8 inches and begins coaxing your cock to grow with just the touch of a button – no handball pumps, no water, just a slathering of lube and about 10 minutes every other day for best results. It also features a USB rechargeable battery, a clear cylinder and a quick release valve for added safety. With a supple donut sleeve and small lube sample included with every purchase, this bad boy is ready and willing to make your sex life great again.

PRO: It’s fully automatic, meaning zero effort on your part – great for people with laziness or mobility problems.

CON: The measuring gauge on the side of the cylinder may not be as accurate as a detached gauge

The End Game

It’s no wonder why men can’t find a decent penis pump no matter how hard they look for one. Every single manufacturer claims to have the most effective or the most comfortable model, or both. But they can’t all be amazing, which is why practicing due diligence is so important. Don’t let a bad pump deter you from experiencing all the penile possibilities. No product is perfect, so what matters most is that all the features and components come together to provide you and/or your partner with a satisfying story to tell (hopefully more than once). If that takes an extra-large penis pump with a shower mount and a detachable handball, then so be it. When all is said and done, you’ll be the one having the last laugh.