The Mighty Male Masturbator

The massive and marvelous industry of male masturbators is taking over the planet. Right now, there are more than a thousand different models, each with its own set of unique pros and cons. No wonder the average man can’t find anything he likes. We’ve got our boys out there hunting for a needle in a haystack.

It’s not that there aren’t any good options available. On the contrary, there are so many awesome choices that most dudes have no idea where to start searching. I’d say I feel sorry for you guys, but this is actually a great problem to have if you think about it. Let’s have a moment of silence for all our fallen brothers – the ones who have bravely carved this perverted path we now walk on today. I mean, it was because of the sexual frustration of a few brazen masterminds that the world got its very first male masturbator.

Whether we have too many choices or too few, the problem is just as big. How on Earth with a self-respecting man find a good male masturbator without spending hours sifting through pornographic websites? How many viruses does his computer have to block before he finds something worthwhile? As confusing and dangerous as it is out there, most people need more than a series of web addresses to discover a toy that will improve their sex life.

In truth, a frugal shopper needs to know the following information or make the following considerations (at the very least) to find the perfect male masturbator:

  • How much money can be spent on things like:
    • The device itself
    • Any necessary batteries
    • An internet connection
    • A mobile data plan
    • Cleaning supplies
    • Material renewal products
    • Lubrication
    • Replacement parts
  • How a lube’s base ingredient and a toy’s material will work together with or against one another
  • Whether the people using it have sensitivities and/or allergies

Once those stones have been turned, you can probably recognize a decent device from a mile away. Don’t think all of this homework is necessary? You obviously don’t appreciate the sheer genius behind the modern-day male masturbator.

Why a Male Masturbator Though?

According to the discoveries of modern-day science, men are supposed to ejaculate at least 21 times per month to enjoy an optimal physical wellbeing. That comes up to roughly every day minus a one-week timeframe, obviously built in by the Creator for some much-needed rest. Interestingly, there are also some mental and emotional components associated with frequent cumming. Put simply, using a high-quality male masturbator isn’t just good for a great time; it may also be good for your health.

I’ve met so many men, both in relationships and single, who have wanted to explore the depths of orgasm. However, only using conventional tools such as prostate massagers, pocket pussies and male masturbators was that ever possible. Among the most popular options for those men were the masturbators – discreet, full of surprises, fun and affordable.

Gone is the stigma associated with manual masturbation, especially when that masturbation takes place using a high-caliber sex toy that looks like something made by Nasa. But aside from being good for you, and now socially acceptable, today’s male masturbators are also works of mechanical art. With features that rival our best smart devices – and some with components that work in tandem with said devices – the world of male masturbators is nothing like it once was.

No longer do guys have to secretly crank their yank in a dark basement somewhere. With luxury sex toys taking over the market, science and industry are sure to follow. After all, it’s said that necessity is the mother of invention. Beckoning the call of the horny herd, contemporary masturbator manufacturers started striving to develop a self-pleasure device that would kick the competition in its ass. So far, the spoils of that war have rendered countless attention-getting toys. Apparently, you’ve not been the only one on a quest for the perfect male masturbator. Now do you feel better?

I say all this because there are a few strings attached to this amazing deal I’ve just put before you. The sheer number of choices out there can downright overwhelming. In fact, nearly every sex toy manufacturer in today’s industry make their own version of a male masturbator. And while they’re all described as “the best of the best,” that can’t really be true. So, I’ve taken the liberty of vetting out the cream of the crop. Consider it a gift from me to your cock.  

The Top 6 Ways to Tell If That Male Masturbator Is Worth It or Not

Everybody I’ve ever met has had at least one story to tell where they were the victim of clever marketing. Who didn’t want a pet rock at one point? And which one of us hasn’t had a bad experience with a sex toy, leading to the inevitable skepticism we now have? Marketers have had us since we were young, and nothing has changed. Now, however, they lure us into consumer traps with empty promises, false hopes and deceptive reviews.

There are few people left who can see through the smoke and mirrors. By taking the proper steps and by getting your toys through the appropriate channels, you can find something worthy of your hard-earned dollar. Because today’s marketing expert knows exactly what to do and say to get your money, a lot of the “best” male masturbators aren’t so awesome after all. Like shooting fish in a barrel, they convince unsuspecting consumers to pay for junk and apologize later when it breaks or malfunctions.

With the following guide, you’ll no longer be a fish in a pond that’s much too big to navigate. Today’s male masturbator manufacturers have flooded the market in an attempt to appease the constant demand for bigger and better. Unfortunately, what we have in return is too much of a good thing (and too many bad things carelessly mixed in). Like chocolate cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner, maybe it’s time we start demanding a change in the menu. In the meantime, transform yourself into a consumer who’s armed to the teeth with market knowledge and personal discernment. Bring it, Britney.

Below are the top 6 things you should look at or consider when shopping for a good vibrator:

Size

This is a time when the size of your penis matters for more than your bedroom reputation. It’s about safety at this point. Not all male masturbators are the same, with sizes ranging anywhere from just a few inches to nearly a dozen. In fact, you may even run into some “corona (tip) stimulators” on your quest, but don’t be fooled. Although those toys have their merits, they are in no way the same thing as the male masturbators we’re discussing here.

Furthermore, the size of the toy you choose will determine how much pleasure you derive from it. Take, for example, a toy that’s too short or too long for the user’s penis. He will either bottom out before enjoying a full thrust or he’ll get lost in the canal before enjoying all the features. Finding the perfect fit is all about. . . well, finding the perfect fit. Pat attention to size or you could be sorry.  

Tightness

While some may confuse tightness with size, they’re actually two different considerations. A male masturbator can have the perfect dimensions but fail to have a canal that’s tight/loose enough for your liking. Just as it is with length, the girth of a penis varies from man to man.

Without considering the tightness of your toys, you could end up with something that feels worse than throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Not only are both of those things pointless, but they’re both a complete waste of your perfectly good hotdog (see what I did there?).

The average male masturbator has a tightness ranging between 1 to 2 inches in circumference. However, there are smaller and larger versions available on some models. If nothing fits, you have erectile dysfunction, or if you suffer from premature ejaculation or Peyronie’s disease (curvature of the penis), I recommend using a medical-grade penis pump or extender until your opportunities open up.

Orifice/Opening

The opening of that masturbator is more important than you think. Not only will it most likely determine how tight of a ride it is, but the appearance and shape of the orifice will affect the way it feels. Fine detailing is one thing, but a good material and an ideal circumference can make up for what a bad design lacks.

Many of today’s male masturbators feature orifices that have been molded to resemble a famous porn star. Personalities (and pussies) such as Jesse Jane, Lisa Ann, and Tera Patrick are thrown around like household names. The Fleshlight Girls, for example, is an extensive lineup of the same such masturbator sleeve/orifice combos, designed to fit any standard case in the brand’s even more massive collection. And other brands have done the same thing too, leaving us consumers to sort through the rubble like it’s 9-11 again.

Choosing the best orifice is a matter of taste, more or less. However, it’s important to note that certain orifice types may only come with one particular sleeve type, meaning some consumers may have to settle for second best to get a good product. Just hope for the best and plan for the worst here, because chances are, you’ll find something awesome with a quickness.

Sleeve

The sleeve feature is the most customizable of them all, also making it one of the most difficult. In fact, the Fleshlight brand alone has hundreds of sleeve options and texture choices. Add in the other big-name brands like Kiiroo, TENGA, Lelo and Lovehoney, and we have more male masturbation sleeve variables than we can shake our sticks at. Luckily, many of the top manufacturers have started working together so we can all have a good time.

The thing about the sleeve is, its user must know what material their sleeve is made out of before they can enjoy it properly. Any masturbator has an internal sleeve to house and arouse the penis. It can be made from a variety of materials (which we will cover in just a minute). That sleeve’s material make-up will usually determine the following:

  • What kind of lube you can use with it
  • How you have to clean it
  • Whether it needs special storage

So, while looking through the features and feeling tempted to buy the first male masturbator that looks good, be sure to slow down while passing by the sleeves because that little detail can make a big difference in your entire experience. Dare I say, it can make an otherwise amazing toy look bad. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Features

The features available on modern-day male masturbators is so extensive that nobody has time to go over them all at once. For now, look for things like rechargeable batteries, Bluetooth connectivity, downloadable or online porn content, various vibration functions, pressure controls, and waterproof or luxury materials. If you can find something along those lines, it’s a safe bet that you’ve landed on a keeper.

Ergonomics

This is an especially fundamental consideration for anyone who ends up with a male masturbator that’s not hands-free. Remember, the word “automatic” doesn’t always mean it drives itself up and down the shaft of the penis. Sometimes, the only thing automatic is the orgasm you have while using it.

Although ergonomics is important to everybody, those who have mobility problems need to be keen about the shape of the handle on their chosen male masturbator. Slippage may not get anyone hurt but it certainly won’t get you a second date.

The Three Kings: My Favorite Male Masturbators

Narrowing my massive list of favored male masturbators down to the top three was a nearly impossible task. Thankfully, I was up for the challenge. Against all odds, I eventually came up with my favorites. Below are the devices most likely to please (in my humble opinion):

BEST OVERALL: The Kiiroo Titan

This thing is the crème de la crème of male masturbators. Built to help guys enjoy extreme automatic pleasure while improving stamina and maximizing endurance, the all-inclusive Kiiroo Titan is a force to be reckoned with. With six distinct vibe modes coming from more than half a dozen motors, it can replace most other masturbators the way I replace batteries in my sex toys. The Titan offers an ample 7.5 inches (19cm) of insertable length, features a sleeve made from medical-grade silicone, and can even link to online interactive content via smart device.

PRO: It allows you to have amazing sex by yourself or with a partner (while skipping out on paying for dinner).

CON: It might not be big enough for insanely large penises.

MOST HIGH-TECH: The Fleshlight Launch

Made to dwarf all other automatic male masturbators, the Fleshlight Launch was not only developed by a well-known and respected company but it has also become one of the most intuitively designed devices available. Futuristic, ergonomic and high-tech, this silicone-based plaything connects to password-protected Bluetooth, syncs with video, hosts virtual reality sessions and blasts off at 180 strokes per minute (on high-auto mode). The brand’s patented 12.75-inch machine can be used with standard Fleshlight masturbators and cases, plus even works with a few of the Kiiroo devices as well.

PRO: It does everything, what’s there not to love?

CON: It may be out of the budget for some people, especially since it requires a few extras to use all the features.

MOST INSTENSE: The Kiiroo Onyx 2

If you’re looking for something super powerful yet surprisingly compact, this is where the buck stops. The Kiiroo Onyx 2 is a device made with stamina and couple’s play in mind. Able to sync with the Kiiroo Pearl and compatible with the Fleshlight Launch, this marvel of modern machinery can run up to 120 strokes per minute while still remaining as quiet as a mouth fart. It also has 10 pressure rings, allowing users to manually customize the level of suction in the canal during masturbation. Who could ask for more? Probably those who don’t have a good internet connection or mobile device to use the interactive features.

PRO: It offers an insane amount of intensity from its relatively small body, with enough features to make it a new experience each time. 

CON: It can be difficult to hold on to (especially when it’s not in hands-free mode).

The Runner’s Up: 3 Other Male Masturbators Worth Your Attention

The male masturbators on my Three Kings list have been picked out based on their commonly enjoyed features. However, I’m well aware that the variety of preferences in this world vastly outweighs my ability to adequately describe everything. With that in mind, I’ve created my Runner’s Up list – a quick rundown of a few equally awesome sex toys that it wouldn’t hurt to consider.

If, by the end of this, you still haven’t found a male masturbator that suits your fancy, I suggest turning your frown into fortune. Nothing is going to get done about the market’s lack of adequate options if today’s creative minds don’t focus their efforts in the right direction. Did you know that the inventor of the famous Fleshlight used to be a police officer? Yeah. A cop made that wack-off machine you’re trying to steal.

Try to conduct your search for the perfect male masturbator without any inhibitions. Just don’t shop halfway drunk like I do. Trust me, your tastes are not as unique as you think they are, so holding back just to find something “reasonable” isn’t an option. Chances are, there’s something out there that’s made for someone just like you. It only takes the ability to shop like you mean it, and maybe some insight on where to look. So, use the information we discussed above to help steer you in the right direction and take a look at these # male masturbators to see if there’s something more your style.

BEST FOR BATHING: The Hot Octpulse III

This little number is both extreme and convenient. First of all, it has five different vibration settings to choose from, not to mention a few speed adjustments to make your encounters even more customizable. Magnetically rechargeable, it can even go with you into the bathtub – one of the only self-powered male masturbators on the market that’s completely waterproof. Although it doesn’t automatically pump the penis, this handheld humming hero is well worth the effort required to enjoy its tantalizing texture.

MOST VERSATILE: The Fun Factory MANTA Stroker

Not only does this compact device function as a handheld male masturbator but it also transforms the penis into a vibrator during sex. The sleek design of the Fun Factory MANTA Stroker offers plenty of versatility – a.k.a. options in the sack, including six distinct vibe functions all churning from the tiniest and most powerful motor this side of the Rockies. The rechargeable battery has a surprisingly long life too. The only qualm I had with this waterproof wonder was that it had to be held in place the whole time, thereby limiting my hands-free play.

BEST FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE: The TENGA Zero Flip Hole EV

I decided to save the best of the runners up for last. The Zero Flip Hole EV is truly a masterpiece from the trusted TENGA brand. In fact, I believe it’s the best male masturbator for voyeurs and at least a worthy device for people looking for a sex toy with amazing features. With a flip-open/hinged design, a unique sleeve texture, 5 different vibe functions and a manual pressure pad to customize suction, you’d think that would be enough. As it turns out, the designers also added a peek-a-boo window on the side to give you and your partners a few tickets to the show.

The End Game

Finding that perfect male masturbator is not as hard you think, especially when you know where to look and have a few helpful suggestions in your back pocket. Although there may not be a flawless machine on the planet, what’s important is that all the components come together to give you and your partner and pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience (hopefully more than once). If that calls for a king-size male masturbator with a porn-star sleeve and a 5-speed transmission, then so be it. This is your race. If you’re not first, you’re last.