Just like a Slinky, everyone loves a vibrator. In fact, handheld vibration devices are so popular that some people buy the latest toy just to use it as a muscle massager. And while I personally believe those people are missing out on the best part, it goes to show that today’s top-notch vibes can pack a serious punch.
Back in the day it was a different story. Your grandmother’s vibrator was a puny thing that hummed so loudly her neighbors could hear it. On top of that, it was as big as a Buick and shaped like a Cuban missile. There was nothing sexy about it, which probably explains why so many people kept it on the low. These days, thank God, that taboo has been unapologetically lifted.
No longer is it considered some deviant device made exclusively for reclusive perverts. As the subject of countless mainstream media productions, and featured on numerous health-based talk shows, vibrators can be found in the bedrooms of nearly half the world’s population. More people own a vibrator now than ever before.
The boon in vibrator popularity must have something to do with the sexual revolution, but the sheer number of options and features available these days has to play a role as well. Consumers want products that are hot, fresh and convenient, and boy has the vibrator industry heeded the demand. What we have now is a completely new, albeit better, problem: There are too many vibes to choose from.
For most people, narrowing down the search is much easier said than done. However, those poor bastards don’t have the privilege of using the following compass to steer them away from danger. So, while the ideal vibrator is out there, try to keep in mind that “perfection” is subjective. In other words, what you like might not be what someone else likes, so don’t close the door on a device until you’ve done your homework.
Why A Vibrator Though?
As plainly as I can put it, the world is passionate about well-made vibrators because they’re awesome. And by “awesome” I mean they accomplish a lot more than making the user orgasm. Truth be told, vibrators should be considered more medicinal than marijuana.
Speaking of which, did you know that back in the 1800s and early 1900s women had to get a prescription from their family doctor for a vibrator? They though chicks didn’t have orgasms, so they cured her “sexual frustration” with various devices that had to be picked up at the pharmacy. Not only is that embarrassing and demeaning, but it’s also extremely false. According to recent studies, females tend to have better, longer and much more intense orgasms than their male counterparts, so who’s frustrated now?
The best part about vibrators is that they’re exceptionally pleasurable and surprisingly versatile. Some are even freakishly discreet too, made to resemble common household objects that draw zero attention. Depending on the type of vibe you buy, there are at least four different ways you can use it:
- By Yourself
- With a Partner
- As a Body Massager
- With Another Toy
By exploring your wants and needs ahead of time, and by knowing a ballpark budget to start with, pinpointing your ideal vibrator is simplified. Don’t go about this thing blinded by all the pretty advertisements, fluffed up product reviews and empty promises. Combine your common sense with the following information so we can get down to business sooner rather than later.
The Top 6 Ways to Tell If That Vibrator Is Worth It or Not
We’ve all made the mistake of shopping with our lustful eyes instead of our critical brains. Sex toy manufacturers and marketers know that. They understand the human mind better than the average bear, meaning they use that stuff against you to get to you to buy things you wouldn’t otherwise spend money on.
And although most of the world believes that a good vibrator is a sound investment, nobody wants to spread their cheese all over an attractive hunk of junk. Like my grand dad used to always say, “You can roll a turd in glitter but it’s still just a piece of shit.” So, if you want to stop throwing your cash down the drain every time an advertising executive gets a little creative, then it’s time to implement a surefire strategy that’s guaranteed to point you in the right direction.
Below are the top 6 things you should look at or consider when shopping for a good vibrator:
Despite that urban myth that every guy references when he feels insecure about his dick, size does matter. Who remembers that scene on “Sex in the City” when Samantha’s heart gets broken because the dude she likes has a small dick? Yeah, that kind of stuff actually happens. It’s not that everybody wants a massive shlong; it’s just that we want the size that’s just right for our bodies. And that’s where a good vibrator comes in.
A decent sized vibe can make a huge impact for someone who’s been feeling pent-up or curious. However, going too big can tear holes in that theory (and other places too). Fortunately, some vibrators are made for external use only, but the insertable ones should always be measured carefully before use. Keep in mind as well that many sex toy companies list two separate figures for the length of their product: The total length and the insertable length. Be sure to know the difference.
For those of you who don’t know, modern-day vibrators come in a bunch of sizes, from jumbo to compact and everything in between. Depending on what kind of lifestyle you have, the dimensions of your sex toys will matter. Do you travel a lot? Do you have any roommates? Do you have ample storage space for the monstrosity you’re picking out? Think about those things before you get yourself in trouble. Don’t make me say “I told you so.”
Did you know that not all vibrators are in the shape of a human penis? It’s true, today’s vibes come in all shapes and sizes, including some that are made to look like a bullet or an egg. While the true-to-life versions are far more popular on average, the smaller and more compact models certainly have their merits.
Choosing the right shape for your vibrator requires some forethought about not only your lifestyle but also your sex life and budget. Usually, the smaller bullet or egg-style vibrators are less expensive than vibrators shaped like human penises, but that’s not always the case. Compact vibes with lots of high-end features may cost a bit more than simple dick-shaped devices with realistic aesthetics.
Either way, the shape of your vibrator plays a huge role in how much pleasure you derive from it. This is especially true for people with tilted uteruses or unusually shaped internal cavities, as some vibrators feature undulating or bulbous bodies. Put simply: A realistic or fantasy-based vibrator may feel like a dream come true to many folks, but a tinier model might be the better option for some. How well do you know your body?
Speaking of real-to-life vibrators, how similar to the human penis do you need your vibrator to be? Keep in mind, my friend, that some of the best vibes on the market look nothing like male genitalia. In fact, one of my favorites (listed below) is a futuristic handheld model that resembles a lipstick sample. There’s another on the list that looks more like a blackhead cleaner than a sex toy. Talk about discretion!
Exploring the various levels of realism on today’s vibrator market is a fun game to play, but it’s also an important consideration that shoppers need to take seriously. I like to think of like this: Realistic penis-like vibes are fine and good, but there’s a reason why I’m seeking a sex toy in the first place. I don’t know about you fine folks, but if all I wanted was a dick with a better performance record, I’d just buy a floppy dildo and call it a day.
“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”Everybody
In my experience, people like high-quality vibrators because they can do what most dicks cannot and that’s make us squirm and squirt with a powerful and lengthy clitoral orgasm. In other words, choosing a vibrator solely on its realistic properties (or lack thereof) is a rookie mistake. Contemporary sex toy manufacturers are no longer worried about making devices that remind us of an old boyfriend. Instead, they’ve finally concentrated their efforts toward creating products that actually good. Shouldn’t you be taking advantage of that?
My favorite part about shopping for a new vibrator is exploring all the new features available on the market. I swear, they come up with something new every day. Back when I first started flicking my bean, the best thing I could get was a vibrator with three or four settings. Today, I have more controls than an astronaut heading into space. It looks like my dreams have come true after all.
It’s not that you have to possess a master’s degree in engineering to operate modern-day vibrators, but it wouldn’t hurt. Best of all, these high-tech heroes don’t always include a dose of sticker shock. For the same price that I paid for my very first vibrator, I now own a kick ass device with a total of 18 different vibe settings (speed and intensity level combos), Bluetooth compatibility and a wireless remote control. And to think, I used to feel cool because I had a VCR in my room.
Considering the features of each vibrator you’re considering is a good thing. While toys with tons of bells and whistles is an excellent option for many people, it may be too much for some others. Furthermore, certain features require extra equipment to work properly, such as an internet connection, mobile data, device memory, virtual reality goggles, commercial batteries, and so on. I suggest you get prepared before unboxing anything you buy, especially since some (shitty) vibrator manufacturers refuse to give refunds on products once they’ve been opened.
Ah, everyone’s least favorite thing to think/talk about when shopping for a vibrator. It’s a real mood killer. Plus, it always happens like this: I find an awesome device with every feature I want and then find out it’s made from a material that I’m allergic to. I either have the worst luck in the world or modern vibrator makers need to step their game up. Consider I review sex toys for a living, I’m going with door number two.
Truth be told, materials can make or break a good vibrator. For example, medical-grade or skin-safe silicone toys are durable, lube-friendly and the easiest to maintain. On the other hand, they’re the most expensive for sex toy manufacturers to create. What ends up happening is that several brands use cheaper materials in their products – latex, phthalates, etc. – and the consumer is the one who bites the bullet. Pay attention here.
Vibrators with latex are more likely to cause an allergic reaction, even if you don’t have an allergy to it already. Furthermore, phthalates have been proven to be extremely harmful to the human body. Unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped every manufacturer from adding into their vibrator recipe to make it more flexible or skin-like. Don’t fall for the hype; keep up with the times and keep poor quality materials out of your honey pot.
Stay ahead of the curve (and out of the emergency room) by looking for vibrators that are made from the following materials:
- Stainless steel or another sterile metal
- Organic molding putty (see: The Clone-a-Willy)
Choose wisely, because the material your vibrator is made from will determine the following things:
- How you can use it
- Which type of lubricants you can use
- How its cleaned, dried, and maintained
- The way it can be stored
- How often you have to replace or repair it
Don’t get sweaty palms just yet, kids. There’s no right answer here. It’s all about your body, your intentions and your preferences. Besides, pretty soon I’ll be listing a few fantastic vibrators that have all the features you’d want without all the nasty chemicals and potentially harmful materials included. Scout’s honor.
Sadly, manufacturer familiarity tricks a lot of good people into buying a vibrator that isn’t right for them. So, just a quick note here and then I’ll move on: What’s popular is not always right for you, and what’s right for you is not always popular. While some brands may have an amazing reputation in the industry, that’s not always because they’ve consistently churned out high-quality products. To be honest, sly marketing tactics play a bigger role in your opinion of a sex toy brand than that’s brand’s track record.
So, while sticking with the brand names you know and trust is a good place to start, I suggest branching out a little bit. The complaints and reviews have been considered, prompting many talented entrepreneurs to create their own line of pleasure products that break the mold and leave us begging for more. Do not ignore those innovators if you know what’s good for you, because most of the time, they’re the ones offering high-end vibrators with the best features but at the lowest price.
The Three Kings: The Best Vibrator Brands On The Market For 2019:
Do you realize how hard it was for me to narrow down my list of favorite vibrators to only three? You people sure do ask a lot of me, but I don’t mind. I got to test out nearly every vibrator on the planet and for that I’m the grateful one. As for you, the following advice and recommendations will have to suffice:
BEST OVERALL: The Lovense Ambi
Shaped like nothing you’ve ever seen before, the Lovense brand has done it again with their highly innovative and exceptionally intuitive new toy design. The Ambi features a unique pad-like structure that’s made to fit into all the necessary nooks and crannies without missing a beat. It has three distinct vibe speeds and 10 different patterns, plus it can sync to music or be used for long-distance foreplay with a Bluetooth connection and/or enough mobile data to run the compatible smartphone app.
PRO: It has just enough of the high-tech features we like without it being too complicated to use.
CON: It can’t be inserted comfortably.
BIGGEST AND BADDEST: b-Vibe Cinco
Deigned to be primarily used as an anal vibrator, the b-Vibe Cinco is long, strong and down to get the friction on. Not only does it have 6 vibration speeds and 15 vibration patterns ran by three powerful motors and a fully rechargeable battery, but it also measures a shocking 7.4 inches in insertable length and can be used in the shower. The b-Vibe also comes with a 1-year manufacturer’s warranty that even covers the wireless remote control included.
PRO: It has a ton of settings to play with and is fully waterproof.
CON: Using it isn’t a good idea during stealthy sessions (a.k.a. it’s loud).
MOST HIGH-TECH: The Lovense Lush 2
I know it’s odd for a brand to have two products on my top three list, but I know a good thing when I see it. If you’re into having a high-tech, no-holds-barred sex life, then the Lovense Lush 2 might be the ticket. It’s made especially for couple’s play, can be controlled over the internet or via smartphone, features a Bluetooth remote, and can taken into the bath or shower. Seriously, there’s little this thing can’t do (besides light your come-down cigarette afterwards).
PRO: It’s whisper quiet and comes with a 1-year warranty.
CON: It doesn’t offer the same level of pleasure intensity as some of the devices mentioned here.
Runners Up: 3 Other Top Rated Vibrators Worth Your Attention
Although the Three Kings are most likely enough to satisfy even the pickiest people, the sex toy industry has never been one of moderation or conceivable limits. Once a good thing is discovered, it gets created ad nauseum until consumers become sick of it and demand something new. Fortunately, we’re not to that point yet, so there’s still time for you to jump on the bandwagon before this whole vibrator thing goes out of style (yeah right).
If you’re like me and prefer to do extensive research before breaking Benjamins, look through my Runners Up list below for a few more pieces of “scholarly” inspiration:
MOST INTENSE: The Lelo SONA Cruise
Sonic stimulation never felt so good. No seriously, the super compact Lelo SONA Cruise is the first of its kind. With 8 powerful pleasure settings and a 100% waterproof body, this insane vibrator uses silent sonic waves instead of suction or traditional vibration to deliver a series of pleasurable packages directly to your clit’s doorstep.
MOST TRAVEL-FRIENDLY: The Dame Fin
Innovative in the way it functions and convenient in the way it’s designed, the USB rechargeable Dame Fin is a finger vibrator with a powerful motor and three distinct settings ranging from a tasteful tease to a spine-tingling shockwave. It can be taken in the shower too, and it’s all contained within a travel-friendly body that makes on-board orgasms a real possibility.
MOST VERSATILE: The OhMiBod Lovelife Krush
Who says you can’t learn while you’re having fun? Well, at least the muscles in your body can. If you have the OhMiBod Lovelife Krush, you can train/strengthen your pelvic floor and stimulate your g-spot/clit simultaneously. It’s completely waterproof, comes with a 1-year manufacturer’s warranty and features three vibe functions that are ran off of a standard USB rechargeable battery.
The End Game
Don’t get discouraged if you can’t find something that hits all the right buttons. I’ve yet to find a vibrator that’s perfect. What matters most is that all the features come together to provide you and your lover with a pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience (hopefully more than once). If that calls for a super high-tech 8-inch silicone vibrator seemingly designed by NASA, then so be it. The haters aren’t the boss of you. Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.