Advice

BDSM Spanking: How to Get Your Boyfriend to Spank You

37

One of the most common questions I get is this:

How do I get my boyfriend to spank me? I’m nervous to talk to him about wanting to submit.

I get variations of this question: how do I get my husband to spank me…how do I get my wife/girlfriend to spank me…how to I tell my significant other I want to spank him…

The key thought is this though: I’m interested in spanking. I’m not sure if my significant other is.

Now, if you’re here for spanking porn, I have some great links for you. Some of my favorite sites that typically have some spanking videos include Sex and Submission, Whipped Ass, and The Training of O.*

But checking out some spanking porn is really not a good solution if you want your boyfriend to spank you.

BDSM Spanking: It Starts by Defining What You Want

Before you approach your significant about spanking, it’s important to think about what you want. If you don’t know exactly what you want…that’s okay! Welcome to the world of D/s! Your feelings are going to constantly change, and that’s okay. But if you’re new to BDSM, spanking or otherwise, sit down and think about your feelings. Try answering the following questions as a start:

  • Are you interested in just spanking or are you curious about other stuff in the BDSM world, like bondage, gagging, forced orgasms, roleplay, etc.?
  • Do you want to be spanked? Do the spanking? Both?
  • Is spanking something you want only in the bedroom or are you interested in taking this outside of sex as well?
  • How often do you want to be spanked? Every time you have sex or just occasionally?
  • Do you want to be spanked hard enough to cause pain? A little or a lot?
  • Do you want to be spanked as part of roleplaying (i.e. “you’ve been a bad girl”)?
  • What spanking tools interest you (hand, whips, crops, paddles, etc.)?

Once you do a little soul-searching about what you want, it’s time to talk to your significant other. Don’t worry: this doesn’t have to be painful.

Well, it might be alittle painful if the talk goes well…but that’s what you want, right. ;)

Bringing Up the Topic of BDSM Spanking

Did you know that many people out there are interested in spanking? I’ve seen studies that suggest that anywhere from 10% to 20% of adults are interested in bdsm spanking at least occasionally. And these are the people who admit it! So your boyfriend might already be interested in it or at least open minded about it.

But go into the conversation knowing that your significant other might not be interested. And that’s okay. Just like you can’t force someone to be straight or gay, you can’t force someone to be into BDSM in any capacity.

The conversation isn’t one that everyone finds easy. Here are a few suggestions for starting the dialog:

  • Start including it in your dirty talk. It’s easy enough to slip “spank me!” in there when you’re screaming “oh god” or “fuck me harder.” If he does it without hesitation, that’s a good sign! Even if he does hesitate, though, it might be just because it takes him by surprise. Bring it up in a more serious way during pillow talk after sex. Ask if he liked it and what he’d think about doing it more often.
  • Watch some porn together and choose a spanking option. Ask what he thinks about it and whether or not he’d like to try something like that with you.
  • Suggest playing “Truth or Dare” (couple’s style). This is one of my favorite games to spice up a night together. If he wants “truth” ask him if he’s ever consider spanking or anything else BDSM-related. If he picks “dare” you can dare him to spank you!

While these are some fun and less stressful ways to bring up the topic of BDSM spanking, at some point you do have to have a serious conversation about your desires in and out of the bedroom.

BDSM, Relationships, and Hard Choices

BDSM isn’t right for every person. Hopefully, in your case, it works out. If not, there are hard decisions that have to be made. When you talk to your boyfriend about spanking you, there are main reactions he might have:

  1. Total acceptance because he wants to spank you too!
  2. Acceptance and curiosity – he isn’t sure if he’ll like it, but he wants to try
  3. Acceptance but he’s not into it
  4. No acceptance – he thinks it is weird, gross, or wrong

The best case scenario is total acceptance, and if that is the case, you can run with it. Acceptance and curiosity is also good, because it means he has interest and you can explore together.

If he is open-minded, but doesn’t want to spank you, it’s possible to make the relationship work through other outlets. Maybe he agrees to you having a spanking buddy. Maybe you get what you need through porn and self-spanking. Maybe he compromises and spanks you occasionally even though it doesn’t turn him on because he know it turnsyou on.

But sometimes it doesn’t work. And if this is the case or if his answer to your conversation is not acceptance in any way, you need to examine what is really important to you in a relationship.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having fulfilling sex?

Sex is important. You need to date someone who matches your desires. If your partner has different desires or a different sex drive than you do, you owe it to yourself to go out there and find someone who fits you better. That’s not a choice I can make for you, though. For some people, sex isn’t as important as it is for others.

Good luck with talking to your significant other! Don’t hesitate to reach out if I can help you or you need someone to talk to.

*I am an affiliate for these sites…but I honestly love them. I never recommend anything I don’t love!

Image credit: corbin1747

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

37 Comments

  1. Dan July 24, 2013 at 4:17 pm -  Reply

    “BDSM spanking rescued our limping marriage.” I’ve heard this many times. I’m reading Alain de Botton’s odd little Brit book: How To Think More About Sex. He says once you’ve been a marriage or relationship near the 7 yr itch mark, you need/want often to see your sig other “in a different light” sexually. It’s like a cuckold fetish only the husband, for example, get’s to watch his Nasty Dark Self spank his wife who is wearing her best Naughty Dark Self outfit. This is root for me of positive part of power play, D/s, kink, spanking: scene play. As others have said: Be the man she would cheat on you for.

    Yes. So I dress in black and leather and spank her with things I bought at the Feed and Tack shop and call her things outside of scene play I would NEVER call her. (All right. Sometimes, under my breath, I call her a bitch. Don’t tell her though.)

    I say tell ‘em to go to spanking class. I did. And I actually read 60 pages of the 50 book.

    Point for a guy: I’m getting laid 2x as often now and fighting less of power stuff. Nice.

  2. Ava Grace July 25, 2013 at 8:01 pm -  Reply

    Great post Rori! I can imagine the difficulties when you genuinely love someone and at the same time crave the sting of a spanking because I couldn’t live without it :) ava xx
    Ava Grace recently posted..However Daddy likes it …My Profile

  3. Jack Hunter November 12, 2013 at 9:56 am -  Reply

    I passed this post on to my girl so she could read it, we discussed spanking at great length and now her bottom is often a delightful shade of purple :) x

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