Opinion

BDSM and Love

2

Being in love is a hard thing for anyone. I thought it appropriate to talk about this topic today, on Valentine’s Day.

As human beings, we’re programmed for self-preservation. And to some extent, we’re programmed to protect our offspring. We aren’t, however, programmed to put another non-related human being before ourselves.

Every gene in our body wants to reproduce, not love someone. Cavemen and women looked for the best mate possible. But even as the human mind grew to be more sophisticated, partnership was about practicality. Marriages were arranged and partners were chosen based on status and finances. Romantic love is a relative new notion to our species.

And romantic love is hard.

It’s hard to resist the urge to be selfish, to give another person what they want and need instead of looking out for yourself. It’s especially hard to do this if you’ve been burned in the past by someone not worthy of your love. The feelings associated with giving of yourself can be really complex, and it’s easy to falter and make decisions based on yourself instead of your partner.

Some many think that the BDSM lifestyle adds another layer of complexity to a relationship, but in actuality, I think it makes understanding love easier.

As the dominant in the relationship, Cash has to balance personal desires with the desires of me, his submissive. Domination is about taking what you want…but it is also about protecting what you have. He wouldn’t be a good dom if he didn’t care for me and my needs, but he also wouldn’t be a good dom if he just did everything I wanted.

As his sub, I have a balancing game to play too. Submission is all about doming whatever it takes to please and take care of your dom…but it is also about releasing control and allowing your dom to take care of you. I wouldn’t be a good sub if I didn’t voice my needs, but I also wouldn’t be a good sub if I was a complete brat who only cared about herself.

In other words, for a D/s relationship to work, both the dominant and the submissive have to give and they have to take.
We both have to be willing to give of ourselves, but we both have to be willing to acknowledge our own needs as well.

And I think that’s what it takes to make any relationship work. Only, when you frame the relationship in a BDSM way, this becomes much clearer. Not easier, never easier. But clearer.

I think too often, people in love focus on one side of the equation or the other. They are either too giving or too selfish. Most of time, we talk about how so-and-so is too selfish, but being too giving is a problem as well. When you’re too giving, you automatically make the other person feel selfish, which can make them resent you, even if only subconsciously. Being too giving can also make you start to resent the other person because your own desires aren’t being acknowledged.

It wasn’t until I found BDSM that I began to understand the problems with being too giving, and how they can be just as bad as the problems with being too selfish.

Life and love is all about finding that balance between giving and selfish, I think. I’m still learning, and I think Cash is as well. I’m glad we can continue to learn together.

Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers. I hope you all have or find someone to learn with you as well.

About the author / 

Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

2 Comments

  1. nilla February 21, 2013 at 2:21 pm -  Reply

    sorry I’ve been away… :) sick kiddos…no time for blog reading, now life is normal (whatever that is!)

    This was a great piece. I’ve found with my Master that our communication “rules” of being honest and open have helped to deepen our relationship. If he hurts my feelings, I have to be honest and say so, rather than just sucking it up… Vanilla life is not that cut and dried.

    (at least mine isn’t)

    nilla

  2. Dan June 15, 2013 at 4:13 pm -  Reply

    I’m sort of a read 100 books sex geek but new this last year to power exchange, dark eros, BDSM play. Was thinking this morning of the two books I bought my wife on talking dirty; trying to encourage her. I just realized wile setting some new hardware tie downs in the study for play that I am the one who was looking for permission to talk dirty, call her rather nasty names in scene play.

    I’ve been in the past Mr. Nice Guy, borderline metrosexual, strong feminine side male way too long. Made corrections elsewhere but was not being the badass in the bedroom I needed to be to be a better lover. Reading now What Women Want by Daniel Bergner. Wow, we’ve been sold a crock about women just wanting to cuddle more than bonk.

    So, give/receive? I’ve brought out the leather and the black and the books on power exchange and scene play. Our relationship is our spiritual practice basically and we are sure to play the fiddle a couple times a week. And all this to keep a traditional marriage hot; an important responsibility for both of us as we enter our 7th year–the year of the seven year itch!

    I’m learning how to get the nasty sex I need using scene play, blindfolds et al. I’d never call her things outside of BDSM play that I call her then; or spank her for that matter. I’m a better giver AND receiver now that I’m more honest about easing toward Mr. biker/kinkster guy.

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