I’ve always wanted a baby. Multiple babies, actually. I can remember as a child, rocking my dolls and wanting to be a mommy, more than anything else. That feeling didn’t go away as I grew up. I remember thinking that life would be perfect if I met my soulmate during college, we got married immediately after graduating, and we started a family soon after that. I hoped to have three or four kids by the time I was 30 or so.
The big 3-0 is around 9 months away, which means that it’s very unlikely (Cash would say impossible haha) that I’m going to have even one baby by the time I’m 30, let alone three or four. Marriage? Well, never say never, but also unlikely, given that we’re in a bit of an upheaval period in our life together right now due to career changes and perhaps a move.
And…well…I should be really upset, but 30 is exciting to me, and I’m okay with the idea of not having kids at this point.
Cash and I rarely argue, but we do about a future family. He’s extremely good with kids, but says that he doesn’t necessarily need his own to feel fulfilled. In fact, he’d probably rather NOT have kids. He definitely doesn’t want more than one or two. I remember a year or two ago, crying about this because I couldn’t see how we’d have a future together if he didn’t want kids.
I have this problem, though. Whenever I’m with someone, my wants and needs and interests start to mold to theirs. I’m not doing it because I want the other person to like me. I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I guess, people just rub off on me really easily. It has happened with roommates and really good friends too. When someone has a strong interest, and I spend a lot of time with them, I find myself really interested in that hobby or topic or whatever as well. If I date a guy who really likes cars, I start to like Top Gear. If my man digs gaming, I find myself gaming a lot more than normal. If my love is into certain types of BDSM, I find myself liking those aspects more.
I have my own interests of course. Dating someone who doesn’t like reading, for example, would not make me stop enjoying books. But my propensity to take on the traits of others makes me worry about the baby thing.
Because am I really happy without a baby? Or…is it because I know Cash is happy without a baby?
Will I someday look back and regret wasting this time of my life, my 20s and 30s, when it’s prime baby-making time? If Cash and I should break up someday (knock on wood), will I resent him for taking those years of my life?
We’ve talked a lot about this topic. Well, mostly I’ve talked and Cash has listened. He has very clear reasons for not wanting to start a family now or in the near future. It’s a deal-breaker for him. Now, if I would pop up pregnant accidentally (unlikely, but possible), he’d step up to the plate and happily raise a child with me. But under no circumstances does he want totry to have kids. At least not now. Maybe not ever.
I don’t know if I’m okay with that. I mean, right now, it doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. I just worry that I’ll regret it someday.
Where do we go from here? I don’t know. But what I do know that I love Cash. He’s open to the idea of children in the future, especially if it means opening our home to foster kids who need a family or adopting. The problem is that we can’t see the future. Six months from now or six years from now, or feelings could be drastically different. Maybe I’ll really want a baby. Maybe Cash will decide that it’s off the table. Maybe I’ll still not be missing that in my life. Maybe Cash will.
I guess, though, every relationship is a risk. People grow apart for different reasons. I feel grateful that I’m with someone who not only doms me, but also communicates really well so we can talk about these fears.
Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com