A year ago, I was a mess. I kept things together on the outside as much as possible, at least in my “real” life. Y’all certainly got an ear full! But few people in my life who actually know me knew that I was falling to pieces last February. I was upset about how things happened with the Cowboy. I missed D. I was depressed about my impending 25th birthday. I was broke. It was a dark time in my life.

Now, my 26th birthday is approaching, so I took a moment today to reflect how awesomely different my life has become. I’m still the same person, but I’m happy. At least, I’m more often happy than not, and because I truly do believe that happiness is an ever-changing state, not some kind of location you can reach and just live there.

For the first time in my life, though, I feel stable. I have bad days when I’m emotional and upset, but who among us doesn’t?

Looking back on the Cowboy situation, I just roll my eyes. It was so ridiculous. I really liked someone, and it scared him that I could like him, so he started telling himself that I was unbalanced and obsessive and whatever. He probably still believes that. *Shrug* It was a total virus in my life. Someone who makes you feel so badly about yourself is not good to have in your life. When I look back on that, all I see is a scared little boy who is paranoid that people are out to get him. Maybe he’s changed too in the past year. I hope so.

Other the past year, my life has become so much better. I worked really hard in my professional life to actually get somewhere…and today, I’m happy to say that I’m not only well on my way to living debt-free, but I’m able to afford more time off. I even have some extremely successful business ventures. I reconnected with D and we live together, not as a couple, but rather as friends. That road was rocky, but not impossible, and today, we’re stronger friends than I ever thought would be possible. Thanks to having amazing people in my life, I’m finally starting to feel pretty. Or at least, not ugly. I’ve started spending more time with friends from high school, and they’ve been good for the soul. They really care about me, and that’s awesome.

I feel like I can face anything and it will be ok. If tomorrow MM decided to leave my life, I’d be extremely sad, but I’d deal with it. I wouldn’t be paralyzed or contemplating death. And I don’t care about him less than I cared about the Cowboy. On the contrary, I care about MM much more, I perhaps even love MM. I just feel like he doesn’t have a monopoly on my happiness. No one does. I can be happy no matter what happens in life, as long as I want to be.

Things can change. Last year, I don’t think I would have believed that. I thought depression was just a way of life, that I was going to have to just try to struggle through, pushing it aside as much as possible for moments of happiness. But you know what? If you want it and work for it, happiness is a way of life, with moments of depression. And now that I’ve realized that, life really is beautiful.

I’ll be honest – dildos have never been my thing. It’s just so common, so “meh” when compared to something that vibrators or moves. Today, however, my opinion has changed. I absolutely LOVE the Icicles Turquoise Twister, which is a glass massager (i.e., dildo) available at Adult Sex Toys.

About the Product:

The Icicles Turquoise Twister is about 6.5 inches long and available in three colors: Turquoise, Pink, and Purple. I got the turquoise toy, obviously, and I will say that the color is a bit different than what is show in the manufacturer picture – but that’s likely because this is hand-blown glass. No two toys will be the same when they are made from scratch.

Because the toy is glass, it can be sterilized through boiling. You can also freeze it or heat it just slightly for something different when playing. This is a very heavy toy – I was surprised when I picked it up, even though I knew it was pure glass. On Adult Sex Toys, the cost is just under $20.

Pros:

The biggest pro to the Icicles Turquoise Twister is that it is such a hard dildo. It is anything but realistic – but if you want realistic, there are tons of toys out there, not to mention the real thing. With a glass dildo, there is no “give” – it filled me up completely. If you love it when a cock is really, really hard (and I do), you’ll love this sensation.

The glass is also a cool sensation – literally. Even without sticking it in the freezer, the glass is naturally cool compared to my body temperature, so when it first slides in, it feels amazing. I’m definitely going to have to try freezing it, or at least sticking it in the refrigerator for a few minutes before using it.

The other things I absolutely LOVED about the Twister was how easy it is to clean. A lot of my toys are plastic an attract dust, hair, etc. And I can never remember with cleaner to use with with type of toy. Glass is really easy – just run it under super hot water with some soap or boil it if you’re really particular. It doesn’t really attract dust either.

Oh, and have I mentioned that it’s pretty? It’s really, really pretty for something cock-shaped.

Cons:

No toy is without its cons.

First, I did notice a tiny internal hairline crack when I got it. The crack didn’t reach to the outside of the toy, but it’s something I’m going to watch to make sure it doesn’t grow. No one wants a dildo to shatter while it’s in their vag. That would be an interesting hospital ER visit.

Also, D and I used it to play, and it wasn’t very good for rough sex. Actually, it started to hurt because he was being so rough. It’s rigid, so use it carefully.

Final Thoughts and Recommendations:

The price is right on this one. For less than $20 you can get a great dildo to check out why I’m raving about glass. If you’re brand new to using adult toys, I recommend also checking out other types of dildos – glass is VERY different from everything else out there.

I’m looking forward to more glass reviews in the future!!

What about you – have you used glass? What are your impressions?

Today, I did a lot of things. I answered emails. I paid some bills. I did a little work around the house and cooked a fabulous chicken dinner. Around 7:30 or so, my phone rang, and it was him, MM. So on top of all of the things I did, I got to talk to MM for the first time in about a week and a half. And then I did the most important thing I could have done: I came to a realization.

The realization that I am completely head over heels.

I hesitate to use the l-word, because this is new, budding love that I feel, beautiful, but undeveloped. It isn’t love in a sense where I’m ready to say love. But it could become that, someday, if we allowed that to happen.

I’ve known MM for over a year now, coming up on a year and a half actually. There were sparks for both of us from the moment we said hello. At first, I ignored them for V’s sake, but to be honest, meeting MM is what made me realize that there was no future with V. Then, I ignored those sparks because I met the Cowboy and really enjoyed getting to know him. There was actually a weekend that MM wanted to visit me a little over a year ago, and I said no because I wanted to get to know the Cowboy more. I didn’t want to confuse myself and I was worried that he was only coming because he was interested in fucking. Then, when my brief friendship with the Cowboy ended so foolishly (insert rolling eyes here), I ignored those sparks because D came back into my life and my heart hoped that things would be different this time around. And things have been different, but we still aren’t right for one another, and I think we both know now that we never will be.

And then, suddenly, there wasn’t a reason to ignore the MM sparks any longer.

Even throughout me trying to ignore those sparks, every time we had a moment to hang out, MM and I were just…happy. Silly, stupidly, happy without having to try and without being nervous. Without any effort at all, just understanding one another and making one another laugh and feeling loved. And sure, you can psychoanalyze this and say that I’m so head over heels for him because I like taking care of someone in a bad situation, and he likes me because he is lacking love/appreciation in his marriage, but at the end of the day, it’s bullshit. All of that analyzing is complete and utter bullshit. I like MM because I like him. Him. He’s a wonderful man and I feel proud to be on his arm whenever I’m with him. He treats me like I’m special because he honestly thinks I’m special. And what we had, even if it was just for a weekend, was amazing. When I’m with him, I wonder why I ever wasted even a second with V or the Cowboy or D, who are all wonderful people by their own rights. MM is just…perfect for me.

Yet he’s not perfect, not really. He’s married. When we were talking, I asked him flat-out if he told her that he had cheated.

Cheated. It’s such an ugly word. Don’t get me wrong, I think even kissing is cheating, so he had cheated on his wife a long time before our weekend together in January, but kissing another girl is a mistake. Having a sex-filled weekend ends a marriage.

He did not tell her. He talked to her about his unhappiness, and they had long conversations about how things have to change if they have any chance at all, along with whether or not that is even possible. But he did not tell her about me.

I support that decision because there are two things I know:

1) If they decide to work things out, MM and I are done as anything more as friends. He won’t be cheating again, and not just for his wife’s sake, but for my sake as well. It isn’t fair to me that I (or any girl) would only get that small piece of him. I deserve to have a husband someday, not just a lover on the side. I don’t think he’ll work things out with his wife unless he knows he can be faithful to her.

2) If they decide not to work things out, she doesn’t need to be even more hurt than she is right now. She was devastated by all of this, for her “perfect” life to suddenly fall to shit around her, and if they go through a divorce, it will be tough for both of them. It doesn’t need to be even worse.

I know some of you will disagree with his decision not to tell her. It’s a hard one, in my opinion. But I support him, in part because if it were me, I wouldn’t want to know.

Sigh. And I’m also terrified. I thought that when he talked to her, she would be surprised that he said anything, but not surprised that he was unhappy. I didn’t know that this would come as a complete shock to her. I’m terrified that now that she knows, she’s going to change. I’m terrified that she’ll want to save the marriage and that she’ll start being a better wife and that he’ll be happy…with her. I mean, I really want him to be happy. Really, really, really. He deserves that.

But I wish it could be in a way where I was happy too. If she fights for him, he’ll stay. He doesn’t run away from commitment. And I can “fight” for him all I want, but at the end of the day, I don’t have a ring on my finger. She does. It’s a fight that I will never in a million years win. When will it be my turn to win that fight? When will it be Rori’s day to find love?

There’s nothing I can do except wait. I can wait and try to protect my heart from becoming even more attached. I can wait and show him as much support as I possibly can while also giving him space. I can wait. That’s it. I can wait and hope I win by forfeit.

It’s officially after midnight where I live, which means that another Valentine’s Day has come and gone. I’m not one of those single people who gets all mopey and depressed about the day, but today was hard for another reason. It was hard because I want to be there for MM and I don’t know how.

On Sunday, he talked to his wife. I don’t know what that talk entailed. It could have been him asking for a divorce or him asking for a trial separation or him asking for things to change. Maybe he told her that there was someone else. Am I “someone else”? I don’t know. Maybe he told her he cheated. Maybe he just left that part out.

I didn’t know he was going to pick that day to talk to her. He had made the decision last weekend and spent the entire week trying to get the courage up to do it. We’ve been texting like normal, so on Sunday night, I just spent a quick text asking if he was watching the Grammys.

It was clear from his reply that he was destroyed. MM is not someone who likes fights or confrontation or hurting anyone in any way. He’s the type of guy who would rather deal with being unhappy than hurt someone else…but enough is enough. I’m so fucking proud of him for realizing that he needs to be happy too. I just want to hug him and rub his back and tell him that everything will be okay.

I need that. I need to be there for someone who is hurting. He doesn’t need that, though. Right now, he needs to mourn, and I can’t really be a part of that. He’s said again and again that I’m not the cause of this, but I know that I’m a reminder, a symbol if you will. At least, I feel like it. I feel like I’m this symbol of everything that went wrong in his marriage.

I’m hoping that it will eventually morph into being a symbol of everything that goes right after his marriage.

I have to stop myself from calling and texting and emailing. He needs his space. I know that. But I miss him. I care about him a lot, and I worry about him.

At least this is a start. At least, now it can get better. And maybe, someday, it can actually be really, really good.

Happy Valentine’s Day, MM. I know it was probably the toughest one of your life. I hope that this time next year, it will be much better and we’ll both share it with someone special. Maybe even each other.

Got the email that I was talking about yesterday for MM (Married Man if you’re new here or haven’t followed along). I don’t want to get too personal, because a lot of it was his business and not really my place to share. But here is what I will say:

1) He is going to talk to his wife this week. I don’t think he’s jumping to “Let’s get a divorce,” but I think he might talk about separation.

2) He talked to some of his friends and family members. They are on his side. Not that they hate his wife, but they aren’t surprised and they support him in trying to find happiness.

3) I’m not the reason he’s doing this, but I have helped push the snowball along so to speak, to show him that he can be happy and deserves to be happy.

4) We’re not promising one another anything. He’s not promising to leave his wife or want to get into a relationship with me anytime soon even if he does. I’m not promising to wait. We’re just going to see where life takes us.

5) He’s torn up about this. I know that part of him, maybe even a huge part of him, still loves his wife and probably always will. This is super hard for him, so for the next several weeks, probably months, maybe even years, I’m just going to be there for him. Of course I hope that we have a chance some day, but even if we never do, I want him in my life as a friend forever.

So the email was actually exactly what I hoped it would be…and that’s a relief. I’m definitely not happy that he has to go through this, but I’m happy that he’s worked toward a better life. He truly deserves that and his email was nothing short of wonderful. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t falling in love with him. Slowly, and I’m not there yet, and I’m protecting my heart. But damn. He’s wonderful.

And the part of the post that is about a “release”? Well here’s some food for thought: This is the first time ever that I’ve fantasized about actual things that have happened with a guy to get off. I usually have fantasies that include guys I know or the guy I’m with or whatever, but the sex has never been quiet so awesome that I used a memory to get off.

Awesome.