I’ve never been particularly good at saying goodbye.

Oh. No. I don’t mean that I’m leaving Between My Sheets. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to say goodbye to BMS. This place is my sanctuary.

But this weekend has made me realize something. It’s time to say goodbye to Daddy.

D will always be in my life in one way or another. He’s my best friend. He’s my rock. I’d even go as far as to say that he’s my soulmate. But he is no longer my daddy.

He hasn’t been for a long while. I’ve known that, so has he, and it’s part of the reason I initially started calling him D on this blog instead of Daddy. But I think in the back of my mind, I always knew I’d end up with him. I knew that we had a lot to work out, and that things would never be easy. Hell, we even left one another’s lives for a good long while. But I knew we’d be back – and we were.It’s not even about submission anymore. He’s no longer my sweetheart. He’s no longer my love. He’s no longer…it.

But I never demanded love from him. I never demanded anything from him. And maybe because of that, I never got it. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was him. Maybe “that’s just how life is” and our timing was off. Maybe whatever.

The bottom line is that he never cared about me, not in the way he cares about other people. The closest we got was one night, after a particularly bad fight (this was several years ago), we made up and he fell asleep on my lap, with me petting his hair. It was the closest to love I felt from him. He always says, “I love people in my own way,” and that’s true. He has the right to that. But I have the right to say, “I deserved more.”

Because I did. I deserved to be loved in the way he loves this present girl, cherishing every memory he has of time spent with her and physically upset that he can’t be with her. I deserved to be loved in the way he loved his long-distance ex, enough to stay with her even when things got tough. I deserved to be loved in the way he loved his ex before that, to the point where he just couldn’t let her go, enough that he cheated on his current gf just for one more memory with her.

He loves me in his way – and I deserve more.

That’s something I haven’t really said to myself before. He loves me in his way and I’ve always accepted that. You can’t make yourself feel differently about someone. That’s besides the point though. If you can’t love me completely, with your whole heart, to the point where nothing else and no one else matter…then I deserve more and you shouldn’t have tried to be with me in the first place.

So tonight, I’m saying goodbye. I’m saying goodbye to the silly notion that he will ever truly love me the way a girl deserves to be loved. I’m saying goodbye to the trust I’ve built in him, because that’s a trust that should be given only to the man you love. I’m saying goodbye to the concept that he is somehow going to ever feel regretful that he didn’t put more effort into our relationship. I’m just…saying goodbye.

Like I said, he will always be in my life in some way. He’s D. He’s my best friend. I will forever care for him and be there to pick him up when he falls, whether he’s there for me in return or not. But I’m saying goodbye to love. Forever.

There’s a light in your eyes
But it’s too bright to see
And a pain in my heart
Where you used to be
Guess I was wrong to assume
That you were waiting here for me
There’s a light in your eyes
Did you leave that light burning for me?

Recently, a reader named Sammi left a comment on a post I wrote called “What Girls Hate About Sucking Cock.”

yeah this is an older post, but I feel like I should reply to it. I *love* sucking cock. Yeah it sounds dirty, but considering the nature of this blog I think that’s probably okay… I have an extreme oral fixation – I chew my lip, candy, pencils, suckers… on and on. But anyway my two biggest problems with sucking cock are that with my current boyfriend it’s the end of the adventures for a while most days. He finishes and he’s tired which is disappointing cause I’m usually wet as hell after watching him enjoy himself because of my actions. It’s something we need to work on. Bigger problem is the gag reflex. I can deep throat pretty well and I enjoy doing it. Depending how deep it even feels good, but mostly I do it cause I like making my bf feel good. However, if he jams his cock down my throat I end up gagging and, regardless of how it feels, I am more frightened of puking on him than anything else. I don’t want to ruin his moment by that fairly gross act…
So my long winded question here is – is there any way to help that or any advice you can give?

Also I am very jealous of you Rori… you have a kind of confidence I am struggling to find when it comes to who you are.

Number one, you’re always encouraged to be dirty here on BMS!!! I love sucking cock too, as do many others here, so you’re in good company.

So let’s tackle your first question – how to make sure you get yours after your boyfriend finishes. I’ll just give you my opinions and hopefully some others will chime in as well.

I think there are two approaches you can take.

The first is to let him know that you’re unhappy. You should have a conversation with him about the fact that sucking his cock always puts you in the mood, but it is kind of a let down if you don’t get off too, at least some of the time. Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t need a serious conversation though, or maybe you’ve had a serious conversation with him, but it hasn’t really clicked. While you’re sucking his cock, don’t be afraid to get vocal about it. Talk about how horny he’s making you and about how much you want to cum for him. That gives him a reminder that although you’re sucking his cock to make him feel good, you’re getting pleasure from it too. Some guys don’t realize that they leave there girls hanging because they don’t know that sucking cock can make us wet!

The second approach you can take is to make it more enticing to get you off after he’s enjoyed a blowjob. Something that I’ve done with D before – after he gets off, allow him to take a more passive role and watch you masturbate. Sometimes guys need a cool-down time after cumming, and although they may not need to be hard to use their fingers or mouth to get you off, it’s not just about being hard. You need some time. Well, he needs some time. So if you keep the party going, he gets that cool-off period he needs, and watching you is so hot that he’ll want to jump back in!

Along those same lines, you can also stop sucking his cock before he gets to orgasm. Bring him to the edge, but not all the way so that you can have some fun too.

As far as your second question – How can you avoid gagging or the worry that you’re going to gag? Something I mentioned in the other post was a throat relaxation cream. I’ve found that they really do work! In addition, practicing can really help. You can practice with a dildo when your boyfriend isn’t around so that you can learn to take his cock deeper without gagging.

While it’s no fun to gag or feel like you’re going to vomit, keep in mind that a lot of guys find is sexy if you gag a little. It makes them feel big, haha.

Over to you, readers! Leave a comment with your advice for Sammi!

Right now, I feel like I’m screaming under water. As many of you know, I’ve been living with D (as friends/roommates only) for several months, and things have gone from good to bad to meh. And it all surrounds his unnatural and undeserved infatuation of a certain girl he met in May.

If it was about him moving on to someone else…no, I would not be happy. But I’d get over it, at least outwardly. I’d be able to move on myself and hopefully still have a friendship with D at the end of the day. I might never like it, but that is something I can survive.

Instead, what is happening is that they’re speaking for a day or two and he’s all mushy-happy, then they have some kind of big blow up where she tells him she can’t speak to him anymore, then he has one really horrible day where he can’t function, similar to a day that any of us would have after a hard break-up.

Then he begins pining, and writers her these pussy emails or love letters or whatever and either sends them to them or posts them on his personal blog, which he knows that she (and her “boyfriend”) read. And he leaves these little messages for her on Twitter that are supposed to be all secretive, but which really just make the rest of us following him roll our eyes. Then they start talking again, in secret because her “boyfriend” (I keep saying that in quotes, because one never knows the official status of those two) said that he doesn’t want anything to do with her unless she stops talking to D. Except it never really works out, and things between her and said “boyfriend” blow up, and she runs back to D with her tail between her legs because she’s an ass who will take advantage of anyone’s feelings just to feel loved and he’s a god damn moron who keeps touching the hot stove even though he’s been burned, by my count, over TEN times now.

That’s right. This cycle, which lasts one to two weeks, has started over again at least ten times since he’s moved here.

And every fucking time he gets his heart broken again, he tells me that now it’s different, that this is it, that she’s out of his life forever, and at least now he can move on. And I’m supposed to be the good roommate and support him on the day that he’s destroyed and understand that he can’t focus on work (he’s a contractor, so paid based on the amount he gets done every day). You know where that leaves me? I’ll tell you where that leaves me.

It leaves me holding my proverbial dick in my hand because not only does my heart keep getting broken, but I’m stuck covering his bills for yet another month.

And I’m screaming under water at this point. I’ve sat down with him and had countless serious conversations about NEEDING him to pay his half because I financially can’t do it anymore. He works for like, a day, and then it’s back to normal, him all emo about some chick WHO DOESN’T EVEN MATTER. I’ve even said, well if you can’t work because you can’t focus, then I need you to take over the household chores so I can do more work and cover you. Has he? No. He never does a thing unless I ask, and frankly, I’m not his mother. Even when I do ask him to, for example, sweep the floor, it takes him two or three days to actually do it, and usually I have to ask a second or third time.

So kick him out, you say?

Kick him out where? He has nowhere to go. And not only that, but he has all of $30 to his name right now, so wtf is he going to do to ship all of his shit that he has here to where he goes? I don’t want to deal with that. On top of it, I’m pretty much forced to keep the bills going because they’re in my name and some (phone for example) incur HUGE fees if I try to cancel.

Cue screaming.

Today, I had to give up something that was important to my health because I didn’t have the money for it. I was sitting in my living room…you know, on the furniture that is mine in the house where I pay the rent, warmed by the heat that I pay for…and I got teary-eyed about it. D walked into the room and was like, “We need to go get some cheap groceries,” since there’s next to nothing in the house right now, and ALL I said is that I need a minute. I don’t like it when I can’t pay for something that I need, so I just needed a moment to calm down. I wasn’t asking him to comfort me, just give me a moment of privacy.

His response? “If you’re going to fucking cry about it, I’m leaving.”

D, you can go to hell. I know he doesn’t read this site anymore, but whatever. I’m putting those vibes out into the world anyway. Go. To. Hell. You get to mope and not work and stick me with all your FUCKING bills because you’re upset about some dumbass girl who frankly doesn’t deserve your friendship let alone your love but I can’t have ONE MINUTE to be upset that my financial situation means I have to give up the health care that I need this month? In my house? Fuck. You.

I’m ranting because I’m emotional right now. Things will get better. They always do. I just feel really stuck right now, and for the first time in my like, D isn’t here to give me a hug and tell me that it’ll be ok.