Ok, no jet plane. I need to sell a few novels before I’m able to afford flights. But, getting into my car, that I can do.

And I need it.

I need a little vacation from life. I need to go laugh with some people who care about me, even though I’m sad inside. One weekend away isn’t going to change the fact that I’m painfully lonely. I know that. But at least it makes things a little more bearable. At least it gives me the push to get through the winter until I can start running again.

Running clears my head. It makes me less crazy. It’s the one thing that I can do for myself that really makes me feel good about who I am, even when the world is crumbling. When V and I broke up, I ran through it. The other people at the track probably thought I was nuts, this not-particularly-athletic girl, sprinting around the track and crying.

But it helps. I got through it.

I’ve been playing again (piano), which also helps and doesn’t depend on the weather. Before all the crappy, unnecessary drama of my life in January, I was practicing this piece I love to play for The Cowboy for Valentine’s Day. I rarely play for anyone anymore (that’s an understatement), but it was just a special part of me that I wanted to share with him. Today, I picked it back up again. I thought, what the hell, why not? Maybe someday I’ll get to play it for him, but if I don’t, that’s ok too. It’s still a piece I love to practice, and I like that it reminds me of him. Thinking of our friendship makes me smile, as depressing as that sounds.

It helps, the piano playing. In my own way, I’m working through it, working through all of shit in my life right now. I don’t have my life together, as much as I wish I did, and for once, I’m just kinda sitting back and saying, “And that’s ok.” I can’t be a perfect friend or girlfriend or sub. It’s time to stop pretending. I’m just not perfect, and people can either choose to be in my life or they can choose not to be in my life as I’m working through my problems. To be honest, I don’t really blame anyone for leaving. I’m not sure I would stick around if I was someone faced with a really difficult friendship with me.

And at this point, though he’s the only one I mention here, The Cowboy is not the only one who made the decision to leave in the past two months. There was a mass exodus of people from my life in the first months of 2010. Sigh. Maybe it’s a good thing. I keep telling myself that.

I’m rambling. The point of this post was to celebrate the fact that I have a distraction for the weekend, unless the impending threat of snow gets in my way. Even then, I’m going to try to find a window for driving. Because I need to. I really, really do.

Thank you to all of the wonderful readers who have supported me. The comments, the emails, and even just the lurking if you haven’t contacted me…it all means SO much. I initially wanted to make this blog a place where I could help other people work through their own issues with sexuality and dating, but it turned into this little speck of real estate online that just means so much to me. Here, I feel free, and that’s because of you guys. So, thank you.

I’m leaving on a jet plane…but if I have time, I’ll post a saucy little fantasy for ya’ll to go up while I’m away. If not, first thing when I return. Promise.

I have bullet vibes, and I have some small-ish, simple vibes. What I do not have is a pocket rocket style vibrator that I can slip into my purse if I want to take it somewhere. Well…maybe I should say “did not have.” Twisted Miss was nice enough to send me the Handbag Hercules to review, so that empty spot in my toy chest has been filled. Oh, has it ever been filled.

The Handbag Hercules is made by Playtime Blue, and this is my first experience reviewing anything from that company. There are some design problems (keep reading), but overall, I’m impressed.

First, some specs: The Handbag Hercules is made of hard plastic, which is phthalate free (woo hoo). It’s about four inches long and about one inch around, and it comes with four interchangeable tops (see left). One of the tops is a smooth dome, and the other three have little nubs on them. It twists on and off and uses one AA battery.

Let me get one major negative out of the way right off the bat – the tops don’t stay on well. It’s annoying that they fall off as I’m playing, but not matter how much I twist and push, I just can pop them on well enough for them to actually stay on while I’m playing. Of course, it’s not a major problem for me, because I like a lot of direct pressure, rather than moving it around a lot. If you go wild, though, be prepared for the tops to go flying across the room!

Other than that…I can’t give you any negatives about this toy. It’s a small little thing, but man is it powerful. I guess the fact that it only has one setting could be seen as a negative, but to be honest, I don’t need my pocket rocket to have a bajillion settings and pulsing actions. Just one is fine, especially when the one it has is this powerful. I like how small and simple it is.

See? It really is small:

As far as “discreet” goes…well, it’s clearly a vibe, so you aren’t going to fool anyone into thinking it’s a makeup tube or anything like that. But, it is small enough to put in a little pocket of your purse, and because it’s made of hard plastic instead of jelly, it doesn’t collect lint or hair at all during travel. It’s not as quiet as I’d like, but you aren’t going to hear it through walls or anything.

I’m not really a fan of the smooth top. It’s ok. The other tops look scary…but they’re not. Actually, the one that looks scariest, the really spikey one? That’s my favorite. It isn’t painful at all, though I’ve heard from others that it is too intense. Maybe it’s because I’m used to a LOT of pain during sex. Or maybe I have a really non-sensitive clit compared to other girls.

By far, that was my favorite top, though…so much so, that I’m considering gluing it in place to avoid the “tops falling off” problem that I told you all about. Actually, that’s what I’d recommend – try all the tops, and glue on your favorite one.

Twisted Miss is selling the Handbag Hercules for just £12.95 £7.95, which comes out to $12 – $13 if you’re in the US. Really, with a price tag like that, how can you go wrong? Comparable vibes I’ve seen cost at least $20, so even with shipping from the UK, you’re looking at a great deal. In my opinion, it’s totally worth the money. Twisted Miss also has a number of other discreet vibrators if you’re looking for something else small enough for travel.

If you’ve used the Handbag Hercules, leave a comment here to tell me how you liked it!

I haven’t shared any reader mail for a long time, other than talking about that crazy bitch who claimed to know The Cowboy. So I thought I would give you my replies to three interesting letters I’ve received over the last few months, since they kinda relate to one another. Enjoy! (And feel free to email me yourself at rori@betweenmysheets.com)

Hey Rori,

I recently got into a relationship and finally told my new boyfriend about my blog. He is very uncomfortable with the fact that I share stories about my sex life on it, even though I don’t give out any identifying personal information. It is really hurting our relationship. Would you ever consider shutting down your blog for someone else? Do you think I should?

~ T

Woah, mama, that’s a major one.

First of all, I think it is important to tell someone that you’re a sex blogger as early as possible. He’s your bf now, so presumably you’ve been casually dating or getting to know one another as friends for a few weeks or months. The fact that you didn’t bring it up before now might seem to him like you were hiding it or being dishonest. I very rarely give anyone this URL, but I do mention as soon as I can work it into conversation that I’m a sex blogger.

As for every shutting down my own blog…well, yes, I would. For the right man, me running this blog would be his call. That isn’t going to be control that I give over to him right away, of course.

I don’t think the right dom for me would want me to stop, because this is such a good creative outlet for me, and he’s realize that. However, I could see the scope of this blog changing, becoming more “assignments” written for him or being more scheduled. I could also see giving him access to this blog to write here as well, or giving him the final say on anything I post (ie, he has to approve something before it goes live).

But at the end of the day, if I ever am at the point where someone collars me, yes. I would give up this blog if it made that man uncomfortable. It’s just a blog. As much work and emotion as I’ve put into it, the dom who collars me will mean more. And I’ll trust him to not demand out of anger or without a lot of thought that I shut down this blog. I trust him to have really good reasons for it, and to give me the chance to be creative in another way if I can’t write here.

Honestly, I don’t think you should give up something you love right away, because your relationship is still very new. Talk to him, and find out his concerns. Maybe you can come to a compromise that would make him more comfortable with you having your blog. Thanks for writing, T!

Have you ever been collared? What does that mean to you?

~ LK

(this is just a piece of a much longer email)

I’ve never been collared. I’ve had two doms, D and V. With D, I think that if we would have continued in our relationship, he would have eventually collared me…but we walked away from it for the sake of being less destructive, and that was a good thing. With V, I’m not sure we would have gotten to that point. Maybe. We only dated for a few months though, so it is hard to say what would have happened.

I know that I’ve written about it here before, but I’ll say it again: being collared is really serious business to me. We’re talking engagement serious. In fact, I wouldn’t agree to be collared by someone I didn’t eventually want to marry. I don’t have to get engaged to this person at the same time, because frankly, engagements and marriages have to do as much with logistics of life as with love, but that’s the place where I want to be, emotionally. It’s really, really special for me.

It means, to me, that I’m committed fully. At that point, I have no limitations or safe words, because it means to me that he’s also committed fully and I trust him to never ask for anything that would put me at risk or hurt me in any way. He’ll push me, I hope, for the rest of our lives, but he’ll know me so deeply that he’ll know when he’s going too far. Collared, to me, means that I give my life to him completely. Thinking about it, it actually might be more serious to me than an engagement or wedding. For some subs, it is not, and I can respect that opinion too.

I’d like to be collared, but I never, ever want to rush into that. It’s a scary thing, to give yourself to someone else, and I think it takes months or even years to build up to that point. The right dom for me wouldn’t want to rush into it either, because he’d feel similarly about it and know how big of a responsibility it is for him to own me. Hope that answers your question, LK!

Have you ever written anything here that you’ve regretted? I recently gave some people I know IRL the address to my blog, and now I kinda regret some of the things I’ve written. I’m considering going back and deleting some posts.

~ Anon

Well, I guess it is first important to note that I don’t give access to people often. D and V know about this site, of course. I suspect they both still read it (I know that V does, and I’m guessing that D at least checks it from time to time). So does The Student, but I know that he doesn’t sit and read it every day – he just likes to know when it is about him. The Cowboy also knows about this site, and while he used to reference it regularly, now that he’s out of my life, I would be surprised if he read it. My best friend knows it exists, but I don’t think he knows the URL. Maybe. I can’t remember. One of my other friends also knows it exists but she definitely does not know the URL.

It’s a big decision for me to share this blog with someone, in part because I need them to understand that I write through filters. I enhance the erotica, because it’s more fun to write/read and because I don’t like, take notes when I have sex with someone. I write about my feelings very much “in the moment,” so things come out much more passionate than they are when I’ve had a few hours to think about it. I leave stuff out because I don’t want to identify myself or other people. Filters. And yet, this blog is a deeper look at who I am than most people get just by talking with me.

I think the people in your real life who now have access to your blog need to understand that too – that what they are reading goes through filters.

I don’t think you should regret anything you’ve written. It was how you felt at the time. Well, unless maybe you wrote something really mean just to spite or manipulate one of your readers. Then maybe regret that! But if you were just being open and honest when writing, I don’t think you should regret anything. I don’t. There are things I’ve written that I think aren’t necessarily true anymore, and maybe weren’t even true an hour after posting…but the great thing about having your own blog is that you get to make the rules.

Instead of deleting posts, try just making them password protected for now. That way, you don’t lose them forever and can repost them if you decide that you don’t regret them after all.

My birthday is in one week. I never make a big deal out of it. Even when I turned 21, I didn’t – it ended up being a huge snowstorm that night, and the bars all closed super early or never even opened. So, I did a shot of shitty vodka with two of my friends at midnight and everyone went to bed.

And I like it that way. It makes me uncomfortable when people make a big deal out of anything in my life in general, from birthdays to other achievements. But I’m not going to lie; it feels good when people remember. I think everyone out there likes when someone thinks about them.

This year, I’m making my birthday special, in part because I don’t want to be sad. I’m visiting friends in multiple states on a nearly week-long birthday roadtrip. I talked before on this site why turning 25 makes me upset-ish…and even though I KNOW it is nonsense, there’s still this feeling of wishing I could be something more than I am, be at a different place in life.

So, I’m going to try to put that out of my mind, hopefully with a lot of tequila and rum. I’ll be celebrating with nearly all of the people I consider to be friends. Some, like my high school friends, I’ll see during the roadtrip. Others, like my best friend and V, will be waiting here at home when I get back.

But there are three people I want to hear from on my birthday, because I won’t see them. Unfortunately, I know that none of these three men will contact me.

Man #1 won’t because he doesn’t exist. Every year, I somehow dream that he would exist again, but that man…sigh. That man is dead. He was never really alive to start. The man he really was haunts my most terrifying nightmares.

Man #2 won’t because he’s stubborn. He’ll want to, but he won’t because he cares more about himself than he does about me. I think he always did. And in all honesty…it might not cross his mind that it’s my birthday unless maybe he logs onto MySpace. I’m just not important to him anymore.

Man #3 won’t because he’ll be too scared. He’ll think that I’ll use his calling me to catapult back into his life. And really, that’s if he even remembers. Once, he promised me that he would…but I guess I know in my heart that for him, the day will just pass and he won’t give it another thought. And that’s not in a malicious way, not like with Man #2. It’s just a fact of life. You forget people.

I would give anything to talk to any of these three men on my birthday, especially this year, even if they never contact me again after that. Of all the people I’ve met in my life, these are the three that have changed me the most, in some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. I wish Man #1 would call and say, “Wake up! It was all a dream!” and I wish Man #2 would call and say, “I’m sorry for all the times I’ve hurt you. I’m working on being a better person because of you.”

And Man #3? All I’d like to hear him say is “Happy Birthday.” That’s all. Even if he hangs up on me afterward, or even if he just texts me, that would be enough. I guess…it would just be nice to know that it wasn’t all lip service, that I really did matter in his life. That he – that all of them – cared, even a little.

Beyond what I’ve listed here, they’ll all have other reasons for not calling. They’ll all talk themselves out of it if they remember the date in the first place. So, at midnight, after they haven’t called, I’ll drink a beer for each of them, and just try to remember that what is most important is the people who do choose to celebrate with me, not the people who don’t.

UPDATE: Quote got. Appointment made. Deposit paid. I have until Thursday to back out. :-p

It’s official. I’ve been thinking about if for about 10 years now. Tomorrow, I’m getting a tattoo. Today, actually, since it is past midnight.

Here’s the thing. I didn’t get one initially because I didn’t know what I wanted or where. I’m not an impulsive person, and I didn’t want to just pick out something pretty that I’d later regret or that had no meaning. So I thought about it.

I drew out a butterfly design that I do want someday…but it was never the right time to get it, and it certainly isn’t now. I knew that when I initially drew it, and although I wouldn’t regret that being on my body, it’s just not right to get that yet. I can’t really explain it any better than that, haha.

So I thought about it some more, and I finally decided what I wanted to get. For about three years now, I’ve wanted this tattoo, which symbolizes the two sides of me that are always fighting, the strong-willed, business-minded planner and the emotional, submissive lover. Only together can they exist. I’ve thought about this for years, and I’ve wanted it for so long.

And today, when I get my tattoo… I’m getting something completely different.

It makes me nervous that I haven’t given this second tattoo years of thought, but I know it’s right. I knew it was right the moment I was inspired to get it. It’s perfect not just for this moment in my life, but to remind me always that I need to do my best and keep moving forward.

How did this new tattoo idea come about? There’s a book that I love more than most, and I rarely even talk about my love for it because it’s like…sacred to me. Throughout my life, pieces of this book have snaked into my life in strange ways. And something I never told The Cowboy? He referenced it the very first time we spoke. I don’t really believe in “signs,” but that just really made my eyes widen, and it’s part of the reason I ever let him into my life in the first place. That one thing is what made me give him my phone number.

That’s just an example one of the many important times in my life that references to this book have come into play.

And so, I’m getting a reference to it tattooed on me. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner. It is absolutely perfect. The design I’m choosing to get will remind me of The Cowboy. And of The Student. And of the first boy I ever loved. And of multiple other people in my life. Perfect.

I can’t wait.

If ya’ll are nice to me, I might post a picture when it’s done!