Earlier this month, I talked about how I’m always astounded by guys on D/s dating websites who message me as though I’m already submissive to them. It’s annoying and frustrating to me, and I feel embarrassed for them. Relating to that topic, I was recently talking to my swoon-worthy new friend about why this is crude and wrong on so many levels. This led to a discussion on equality in a relationship, even if the relationship is D/s.

We agreed; one of the main problems in the D/s community is that many people see a relationship between a dom and sub as being beneficial for the sub, but not necessarily for the dom. Now, in some relationships, this can certainly be the case, especially if you and your dom or sub have a teacher/student type of relationship. But in a real relationship, one that is based on love and moving toward commitment to one another, if you aren’t already, it needs to be an equal exchange. Just as the sub benefits from what her dom has to teach her, the dom should benefit too.

In my opinion, being a dom isn’t just about getting a girl to trust you and then moving to the next sub. A dom should cling to his sub as much as a sub should cling to his dom. There needs to be an exchange that pulls you closer together, not a one-way dominance that makes a sub really attached to a dom that is only in it to feel…dominant.

If that works for you, more power to you. I don’t want to be dominated by someone who isn’t growing attached to me. I want to be his possession, his girlfriend, his everything.

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

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The wonderful Dangerous Lilly did something totally unexpected and amazing – she made buttons that you can use on your website if you want to promote the list (or last year’s list). Check out her website – she modified them to include her number on the list, which is something you can do too, if you made this year’s list. Here’s what she created (I can email them to you as well if you ask!):

I can’t thank Lilly enough, since I’m extremely bad at creating stuff with Photoshop and other editing programs. If you use any of these button, make sure you stop by her website and thank her!

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

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A pet peeve of mine: when people assume that I’m submissive to anyone I meet. I’m not. In actuality, I’m the exact opposite. I’m a pretty smart person (not trying to be full of myself – I just am, always have been), and I have a lot of common sense. Most of the time, I can come up with a better way to solve a problem or a better way of managing something, be it a business or travel plans or home organization – or anything in between. I’m happily able to say that there are a lot of things that I don’t know how to do, but I’m really resourceful and logical.

All of that combined means that I find myself frustrated with being a follower. I make a much better leader in most cases, and was always cut out to be a boss rather than an employee. I’m dominant. It’s who I am.

It bothers me when someone, especially on an online dating website, approached me with a dom attitude toward me. I know I’ve talked about this topic already here, but I keep getting messages that come at me from that angle – and it isn’t attractive at all. I’m a sub, but I’m not YOUR sub, yet. And at this rate, I probably never will be.

So how does that transition happen? That’s the main question – how do you know when to start showing little twinges of dominance over someone as you get to know them? When does it become sexy and appropriate rather than oppressive?

I’m not sure when that moment happens, but I do know that it happens slowly. He who shall remain nameless, who is making my life a little more wonderful right now…he naturally found that point. He doesn’t dom me, not in the sense where he makes demands or does anything physically dominating. Most of the time, we’re just friends getting to know one another.

But then occasionally, the dom in him shines through when he’s talking to me about something. And it’s so different from doms I’ve had in the past, it’s in ways that make me feel better about myself, admit things to myself. He makes it all about me, not about what he wants. The other night, he made me say out loud that I’m pretty, and that’s something that’s hard for me to do, because I don’t necessarily find myself super pretty.

I’ve said too much already for promising not to talk about him here. I can’t help it.  I’m smitten, and at this point, I’m just trying hard not to become obsessed.

Even though I’m not sure he’d mind that.

About Rori

Rori is the founder of Between My Sheets. She works full time as a writer, reviewer, and online educator and can be reached at rori-at-betweenmysheets.com

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