In any relationship, chemistry is important. I’m coming to realize, though, that chemistry isn’t necessarily the same in every interaction. Chemistry can be fast-paced, popping, crackling, burning. It can also smolder, building slowly. I’ve always been the type of girl who looks for that burning desire, the kind of chemistry that is instant and unregulated. Maybe that’s why my relationships have always failed. Chemistry like that, it seems, fails to snuff out pretty quickly, and when it dies, it there still love and passion in its place? For me, that answer has always been no.
Bad Butterfly Guy and I undoubtedly have that kind of chemistry. It’s been there since January, when we first met. It may continue to be something we feel. But it isn’t real. At least, it isn’t real in the sense I know it is right. When that fire dies, I think I’ll be left staring at a person that I don’t recognize. Or, I would be. This is my way of telling you all that things aren’t going to go anywhere with him. I know that, and I’m actively admitting that. I’m not burning bridges. We’re still friends, and I certainly do care about him…but let’s face it; he needs to get his act together before he can function in any kind of a relationship. And I’m not waiting for that to happen.
I’m not waiting because there is the long-lasting, smoldering, warm chemistry in my life with V. I don’t think that V sees me and sees butterflies, which I know is true with BBG. I don’t even think there’s puppy love. All I know is that when I’m with him, I feel comfortable and special and happy. I love being the girl on his arm no matter where we go. I have this constant draw to make him happy – and when I do, it makes my day. I’m pushing myself to be the type of girl he’d be proud to show off to his friends, and I hope I already am on some levels.
It’s a different kind of chemistry with V than I’ve felt with anyone else. That scared me at first, but maybe its a good thing. Maybe this is what its like when you meet someone who is legitimately right for you.
And if I didn’t feel anything for him past a friends w/ benefits level, I know that I wouldn’t have felt sub drop like I did the other night. He said something interesting to me when we talked about it a little. He said that he was “very fond” of his last sub, but that she didn’t “feel” him. I get that. You can play with someone all you want, even feel a bit of sub drop or whatever when a scene is over…but when its just playing, you don’t fall deeply enough into a scene, ever, to feel how I felt the other night. It’s not always a matter of love exactly. I loved D very much and never felt sub drop as deeply as I did with V. I also know that V has been in love before and he told me he’s never really had to deal with sub drop at that level. So it’s not that. It’s a whole other plane of trust and devotion and connection – and I think ya either got it or ya don’t.
V and I have it. At least, that’s my feeling. I want to be his submissive, and only his.
I am, as of tonight. After last weekend, we talked and he admitted that he already thought of me as his girlfriend, and then we talked about how it was too soon and we were moving too fast and all that jazz. Since then, all I’ve been thinking about was how much I’d like to be his girlfriend again. So today, I told him that (and he agreed), laid the whole BBG issue to rest, and proclaimed myself taken. I’m taken. I’m V’s girl.
And I couldn’t be happier. Does the future hold long-term and love and marriage and “forever”? I don’t know…but I’ll be damned if we don’t have an amazing time finding out.
