Daddy is visiting right now. Actually, he’s fast asleep with his head on my lap (I couldn’t convince him to go into the bedroom!). He’s visiting as a friend…with benefits. I thought it would be awkward, and while it definitely hasn’t been perfect, it also has been, in general, happy.

One of the cutest and simultaneously most annoying things ever happened this weekend. We went to the bar with a fairly large group of friends. Some of them were friends that I knew, but he didn’t, and not everyone within our group knew everyone else either. A few of those people knew that we used to be dating and were still messing around, but most of them didn’t know at all.

Anyway, we weren’t totally attached to one another…we were just hanging out with everyone. At one point, a guy that I hadn’t met before sat down next to me and started talking to me. It wasn’t even flirting, really. Just friendliness with the potential to lead to flirting.

Daddy was livid from across the room. He had been drinking a little and was in one of those "I’m going to pick a fight" moods. Anyway, he stomped out of the bar to smoke and, basically, to bitch to someone else about how he wanted to punch the other guy. All the while, he wouldn’t talk to me or even look me in the eye. I knew he was mad at me, but I didn’t know why.

Now that I know why, it is kind of cute, but still really annoying. It is nice to know, though, that Daddy gets jealous about me flirting with other guys just like I get jealous about him with other girls. He doesn’t always show how things are hard for him, so it comes off as him not really caring. He does, he just hides it well.

Why did I name this post "fights and vanilla"? Well, this entire long weekend has been very vanilla for us. No d/s at all, not even in the bedroom (which yes, I will tell you about later). Its weird, because I has been almost a year since I’ve been in any kind of vanilla situation. We’ve really just let that melt away though, at least for now, because although we both thrive when we’re true to our d/s feelings, it is hard to draw lines. FWB is easier when things are vanilla.

But ok…I’ll tell ya’ll more later. Now how should I wake him up…

I don’t have to answer to Daddy anymore, and in our daily lives, I no longer call him Daddy (I just do on here because I didn’t want things to be confusing). Do I miss it? Yes. Am I having some fun single though? Yes.

Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t done anything too naughty. Just a lot of flirting. Oh, and one of the nice things about not having to answer to Daddy is not asking permission to masturbate. Oh, I’ve been enjoying myself.

A few nights again, Daddy called to talk as I was just about to lay down for the night. As I lay there having a perfectly innocent conversation with him, I couldn’t resist myself. I thought back to the times when he used to call and fuck me with his voice, bringing me to climax while he rubbed his throbbing cock on the other end of the line.

So, as he and I talked about plans for the upcoming visit and work and our days, I let my fingers glide down my stomach and into my panties. I kicked off my pants and began to rub my waiting clit as he spoke into my ear about the flight schedule and his work and other mundane things. I responded, discipline controlling my voice just as his discipline controlled my orgasms in the past.

I dipped into my wet pussy as he talked, thinking about how much I want to fuck him. My clit swelled and became tender and my breathing became harder to control. Still, we talked, though my mind wasn’t able to form sentences well as I got closer and closer to orgasm. I wanted it, I wanted to silently cry out and feel my pussy throb while he talked. I wanted it so badly that I almost moaned.

It didn’t happen. I just couldn’t orgasm with him on the phone with me and cry out how much I love him. I knew that in my heart, I guess, but it was still worth the try.

So, no happy ending? Not quiet. I told him I needed to get off the phone, and within seconds screamed out his name as I came. As I lay there panting, relaxing, coming out of that space, I thought about how much he still means to me. Even when he isn’t my Daddy…he is still my Daddy. I don’t know if that will change anytime soon. I don’t know if I want it to.

So, this week has been a real clusterfuck. In fact, ever since Daddy’s last visit, things have been pretty messy. I’ve been sad and depressive-ish, he’s been on edge, and…even that other girl out there hasn’t been happy. That’s the thing I don’t understand. She "won." He picked Her over me. Yet, she was still upset about the fact that we remained friends (among other things).

The thing that killed me is that he started "seeing" her again. I say it in quotes because although I know that there was some level of commitment there, I also know that things weren’t happy. That’s there personal business, though, not really me to spew out here for you all to read any more than I already have.

The point of this story is that a few weeks ago, Daddy found out that he’d be in this general area for a business trip. So we of course made plans to spend time together, just on a friends basis. No kisses. No sleeping together. No nothing. Just friends.

I was less than enthused, but give me a break. I love the guy. Any time with him is good in my book, even if we aren’t so much as holding hands.

A week ago, he was talking about their problems and how he thinks that it was a mistake to be with anyone right now, me or her. I mentioned causally that I wouldn’t be sad if he was single when he was out here visiting…and that it could be fun to play around just as friends with benefits, knowing there was no further obligation.

A few days ago he called me to tell me that they broke up. Over course, my heart jumped, but at the same time, I could tell by his voice that he was mad. I knew they just had a fight about something, and that he was "in the moment." And I was right. What they were fighting about, I don’t know or care. All I know is that the night ended with her having to go to the hospital because she had just had surgery a few days earlier and the stress of the fight and whatnot was…well…making things worse. When she woke up from the ER surgery, he was there, deathly afraid that something would go wrong, and she couldn’t remember anything that had happened that day.

Mmm hmmm.

I’m not saying anything. Draw your own conclusions. I was legitimately worried about her though, because I knew that if , god forbid, she didn’t make it, he would be torn up that in her last moments were spent in a nasty argument with him. I know he cares about her, and as much as I don’t like her, she’s important to him, so she’s important to me.

I was too afraid to ask what happened with their break-up or not break-up or whatever. I knew he was still talking to her, but I didn’t know what was going on. I just wanted to give them their space. He did mention on the phone a few times that he didn’t know where he stood and that he still thinks that being completely single might be best.

Today, he told me that he is single. He made it very clear – they are not on a break, they are done. Whether I believe him or not in the long run, I don’t know. I’m not ready to trust him again. What I do know is that he’ll be here in four days, and is spending his entire business trip with me (outside of the work stuff, of course). We even got a hotel room for one of the nights.

What happened? I don’t know, and when I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no, so I didn’t push. Frankly, I don’t want to know. I’m sure that I’m part of the reason for any problems between the two of them, but I also know I’m not the only problem. He broke up with me to go to her and help her through rough times, and he was met with suspicion, mistrust, lies, constant badgering, lack of sex, and stress. Daddy is a catch. He’s a great guy with goals in life, and he’s making them happen. She’s so stupid to drive that away.

FYI, this long weekend is still on friends, possibly with benefits (we’ll see) terms, because not only is he not interested in a relationship at the moment, I’m not ready to trust him to take care of me again. He knows that, and he doesn’t know what he wants. I support him and will be his shoulder to cry on if/when he needs it, but I don’t trust him to commit to me right now. Someday? I hope so. I do love him dearly

Right now, I’m just hoping for some hot sex.

Can ya blame a girl?

So, I talked a little about the fact that I’ve joined CollarMe.com a few days ago, and I have to say that the experience has been mixed. While I really (really) like Fetlife, I feel like that site is more like MySpace – it can be used for hooking up, but is more about community and finding friends. CollarMe is definitely more of a dating site. But anyway…so far, I’ve received over 100 messages, and about 50% were worth a second look. Maybe 20 or so were actually worth replying with more than a "no thanks."

One of the guys who messaged me on that site was interesting enough that when he asked for me Yahoo name to chat on messenger, I gave it to him. It was possible the worst time to IM me EVER because I was having work problems that I needed to take care of AND Daddy was on the phone needing to talk to me. This guy, we’ll just call him "N" was extremely patient, which was very cool.

We started talking about what we’re looking for. For him, it is an online relationship that starts with just training and possibly leads to something more, perhaps physical and emotional, but really routed in training for now. For me, it is a new friend or two, possibly moving to something more eventually. One of the things he mentioned, though, was that he requires any submissive he’s seeing to have a webcam.

That makes sense to me. It really does. I don’t have a webcam, for various reasons, but can understand why N would want to be connected with one.

But I ain’t buying it.

Maybe I’ll feel differently someday. If Daddy asked me to save up and buy myself a webcam, I’d consider it and probably do it. For someone that I don’t really know yet, at the beginning of a relationship? I’m sorry. No. I told him that if he wanted me to use a webcam with him, he’d have to send it to me. Frankly, I don’t think that is unreasonable.

Listen, I know that there are decent webcams for less than $30 these days. It is just, in my mind, a slippery slope. Today I buy a webcam because he tells me to. Tomorrow I send him $10 – hey, it is just a tiny little loan. Next week, I buy something else. Before you know it, I’m thousands of dollars in the hole for things I won’t have purchased had he not been in my life. I know that ANY relationship is a financial commitment somewhat (think of all the money you spend going out on dates for example). I’m just not budging on this one.

N is a very nice guy, and I honestly don’t believe that he has intentions of scamming me. I’m just not going to buy a webcam for him, and he seemed pretty upset about it. Even on the "just friends" level, he seemed to not want to talk to me unless I promised to buy a webcam in the near future. At one point, he said to me "just make it happen. it isn’t a lot to ask."

To me, it is. It might not be a lot financially, but it is a lot to me emotionally. I’m a submissive, not a doormat, and that’s what I loved about Daddy – he understood that. So will I talk to N in the future? Perhaps. I don’t think there’s much potential there for any kind of relationship, but he conversation was definitely interesting.

So, today I decided to take a big step, and I joined CollarMe.com. I’m not the hugest fan of online dating, but yes, I’ve met people online before. I signed up with OKCupid.com as well, but I wanted to try a non-traditional dating site as well. Though maybe I’d have better luck on there finding what I really want.

And now, I rant…

In any case, in only 12 hours (ish), I’ve gotten over 100 emails – some of them before I even finished my profile. Wtc, people. Are there THAT MANY horny, dom males out there? I mean, it was apparent that most of them haven’t even ready my profile. Some hints for guys who actually want replies on dating sites:

~ Don’t refer to me as "bitch," "slut," or even "sub." I am none of those things to YOU yet. Likewise, don’t DEMAND that I email you back or otherwise try to be my dom. You aren’t. That’s something special I CHOSE to give to someone eventually. Just because you are a dom and I am a sub doesn’t mean that I have to listen to you.

~ If you don’t meet what I’m looking for, don’t waste my time emailing me. I made it VERY clear in my profile that I wasn’t interested in people outside of a certain age range, yet some were very persistent.

~ I don’t mind answering questions, but you come off demanding and ass-hole-ish if your entire message to me is ONLY questions. Tell me something about yourself, such as why you are interested in emailing me.

~ Read my profile. Please. I’m not into certain things, and I’m very clear about that. You aren’t going to change me mind simple because you’re a dom. I have my own personality.

~ I’m not a financial sub. No one should be. I’m also not your ticket to the United States. Give me a break.

~ I got your first email. If I don’t respond in three or four days, sure, email me again…but if I get three emails in a row from you wondering why you haven’t responded. Well, because I haven’t fucking had the TIME yet. I like to write thoughtful responses. The more times you email me in 24 hours, the less likely I am to want to email you back.

On the plus side, I’ve gotten some emails from some VERY sweet, interesting, funny, nice people, and I’ve been replying to them. Hopefully, I can at least make some friends