Between My Sheets

1. I’m way too awesome in the kitchen to be single. Seriously. Also, there are few things more rewarding than dancing around in my panties to Lady Gaga as I’m licking the spoon to the most delicious chocolate pudding dessert I’ve ever made. *dances around*

2. I still got it. After months and months of not having sex, I was starting to worry that “if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it” was true. It’s not; I confirmed that I’m still awesome this weekend, hehe. Friends with benefits = amazing. You know, a few months ago, I decided I didn’t want to do that with anyone anymore, but at the end of the day…it makes me feel awesome about myself and it’s a ton of fun with someone I trust, so if that’s not respecting myself, I don’t know what is.

3. Financially, my life is…wow. Finally starting to be where I want it to be! I have a savings account now – and there’s money in it! I’m able to take a trip to Florida in May without scraping by. My credit card debt is decreasing every month. Best of all, I’ve started saving to buy land of my own. I’m thinking upstate New York, and my dad may go in on it with me so that I’ll have a house with a lot of land (where he can hunt occasionally). My own home! It makes me all tingly with excitement. *dances around even more*

4. I feel like I’ve turned this major corner with understanding myself and what I want in life as far as romance. I’m always going to have “downs,” and the right guy for me is going to not only understand that, but pull me back up again. Not in a dependency way, but in a way where he knows to chill out and give me hugs, waiting it through, instead of reading too much into every little part of my life and making me feel like I’m crazy. Someone who can do that will be a very special person indeed. He doesn’t need to save me, just hold my hand.

5. Even if it is rainy, the weather is beginning to be beautiful every single day. It’s warm, it’s light out later, and the world is starting to be green again. That’s a reason to dance if I ever heard one!

6. It is soon wine festival season, which is my favorite time of year. And I’ve decided that when the first one does come around, I’m going to invite The Cowboy to come with us (there’s usually a huge group of us that goes), no strings attached. If he says no, reads too much into it, blah blah blah, whatever… that’s his loss. *shrug* I’m no longer afraid that he’ll think badly of me or something. His opinions of me don’t make me who I really am, and hopefully he’ll put his past judgments aside and just opt for an afternoon of fun. It’s just a great time, nothing more, nothing less. Wine festival = no drama! There’s nothing I’d love more than to lay in the grass, sipping out of a bottle, and listen to music with all of my favorite people.

7. I haven’t seen The Student in…months and months! That needs to change, I miss his face.

That’s all for today. Last thought for you all: We’re fools whether we dance or not…so we might as well dance.

I feel like I need to clarify a few things, due to the emails I’ve been getting:

1. RE: the previous post I wrote about the Cowboy

He’s not a bad person. He’s actually a very good person. Yes, I think he treats people a certain way, and in me, it ended up causing a meltdown because of who I am and the other things going on in my life at the time. He couldn’t have possibly known that was going to happen, and I didn’t know it either. Sometimes, personalities just fit together in weird ways  at weird times in life and cause weird experiences. But please…don’t think he’s a bad person. He’s one of the best people I know. Troubled, maybe, but a very good person, whether he believes it or not.

2. RE: my toy reviews

Yes, the toys and other products I review here are usually given to me for free. However, I will NOT write a positive review unless I actually like the product. I don’t exchange good reviews for free stuff, and I don’t get paid to write reviews here.

3. RE: the married man

Yes, I’ve spoken here about making out with a married man. No, I’m not exactly proud of it, but then again, everyone’s situation is different, and if he is comfortable with making out even though he is married, I’m not going to lecture him about it. For all I know, they could have an open marriage. I don’t go out of my way to “seduce” him. I never have.

And further clarification on the topic: I’m not in any way planning some kind of relationship with him beyond friendship and perhaps the occasional making out, like we’ve done in the past. Not only is he married, but he lives hours and hours away from me and that wouldn’t change even if he did get a divorce. It is just a friendship, and a little fun because we’re comfortable around one another.

4. RE: erotica you read here

Some of it is true. Some of it is fantasy. Most is a mixture.

That’s all for now. So to close, I’ll say this: If you haven’t seen the new Gaga video yet, for Telephone, please watch it. It is by far one of the funniest/best things I’ve seen in a long time. “See…I told you she doesn’t have a dick…”

And good advice to anyone: Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger.

“Hi, how are ya?”

“Ok.”

“How are you doing?”

“Fine.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

Ever notice how we give these stock answers 99% of the time? It’s almost like a reflex. I’m Ok. Yeah, I’m fine. Nothing is new in my life.

We’re not always ok or fine or up to nothing. Sometimes, there is a lot going on in our lives. So why, then, do we give people these answers? Because we don’t want to share? Because we don’t want to burden them? Because it’s what they want to hear? Or have we, as a society, simply given up?

Let me change gears for a moment. There are people who thrive on being a victim. You know the type. They love collecting pity. They’re dramatic and upset all the time. They’re always the victim, and they play the part well. Somehow, I fell into this victim role last year, even though I didn’t want it.

Over the past month, through being able to talk to someone, I realized something, and I know that I said I wasn’t going to analyze things with him anymore, but allow me this post, dear readers, because it’s an important thing that I’ve come to learn. The Cowboy was creating a victim mentality in me. It was so very unhealthy, and I don’t think he meant to do it. In fact, I believe fully that it isn’t something he realized he was doing. Maybe it made him feel good, to think that he could take care of me? I’m not sure. But it did happen.

What I have realized is that 99% of our conversations turned to how one of my ex-boyfriends sucked or people made fun of me in school or various other problems in my life in the past. In other words, our conversations always led to me talking about how I was some kind of victim. It didn’t start like that, but in the final month or so or talking with him, that’s what it became. I even remember mentioning once that it was odd that he brought up my exes all the time. Most guys would rather cut out their tongues then talk about past relationships.

While it may be true that bad things have happened to me, in relationships and otherwise, I’m not a victim. Bad things happen to everyone. You move on and hopefully learn from it a little.

And talking to him, I got stuck in this ugly rut of dependence. Through our conversations, I would start to feel like a victim. They’d always end on a good note though – The Cowboy was in my life, so things didn’t have to be bad anymore. Yes, I did deserve better. Yes, I was going to find a better life. Yay! But then, I’d panic when I couldn’t talk to him about even the smallest sad or bad feeling I was having, because it was him who I turned to in order to “fix” problems…and he started to resent that, because that wasn’t the girl he met and it put a lot of pressure on him.

The truth was, things weren’t bad before he was in my life. I didn’t need him to save me from anything. Sure, I wanted to find that someone special but in general, my life was pretty good. That’s the girl he met. And really, that’s who I am.

I just fed off of the attention. He gave me attention when he felt sorry for me in some way, and I trusted him enough to start telling him more and more about my life, good and bad. But for some reason, he always focused on the bad, making it seem like “oh, now that I’m in your life, things are never going to be like that again.” And that’s a good thing to know…but it’s really unhealthy when that is the basis for your entire friendship.

This post sounds a bit like I’m blaming him. I’m not; at least, that’s not my intention. I should have stopped it from the start. There’s a difference between being a sub and being a victim, and I think maybe he has the two confused a little. I know better. I should have never let it happen like it did. Thinking about it, from what little he spoke of other people in his life, I suspect that he treats everyone this way to some degree. He likes to take care of the important people in his life. It’s admirable, but at the same time, it can be a bad thing if you’re creating problems that don’t exist or encourage people to depend on you.

Plus, the only way I knew how to respond was to try to take care of him too. And he hated that. I don’t even think I did anything that care-taker-y…but even wanting to return how he treated me made him uncomfortable. He hated feeling like some kind of victim, even though he happily stuck me in that box.

It’s a shame, really. I feel like there’s so much that he never got to know about me because he just focused on the negative. It’s really special to share the bad things that have happened to you, to trust someone that way…I just wish he saw that I was a stronger person, and a happier person because I went through them and made it to the other side without him or an ex or anyone. I wish he wanted to know the good things about Rori as much as he wanted to know the bad things about her. I wish it wouldn’t have always circled back to what was wrong in my life, because our conversations were just magnifying tiny little things that didn’t matter at all in the long run.

I’m ok. For real. I’m fine. Honestly. And there’s nothing wrong in my life. Ok. Fine. Nothing. Sometimes, that’s the truth, sometimes there’s nothing more to read into it. Do I miss him? Of course. Do I wish he’d come back in my life? Absolutely. But I really am ok…whether he wants to be here or not.

And maybe, until he figures out that he can care about someone without treating her like a victim…well, maybe it’s for the best than he’s not.

A small disclaimer before I leave for the night…please always remember that what you read here is one “side” of the story. The Cowboy, along with all of the other men I talk about on this blog, don’t have a voice here, and their experience are probably very different from my own. That doesn’t make my account less true. Just incomplete.

He came up behind me and engulfed me in his arms. It was more than a hug or display of affection. He was telling everyone in the room to back off. I was his.

And I was. My short skirt and low-cut shirt may have aided the flirting I was doing with the other boys in the room, but there was never a moment when I wasn’t his. That’s all they were anyway – boys. But he…he was a man, and I belonged to that man.

I felt him pinch at my nipples as his arms crossed my chest. Not enough that others would take notice, though I’m sure that some of the boys staring at my chest from across the bar did. Pressed against me, I could feel his cock straining against his jeans. It’s a powerful feeling, a man wanting you. But it’s also humbling, knowing how much he wants you and how he’s waiting. He wants me on his terms. It takes all the power away instantly, that power that I have over other men…and I love that.

He kissed my neck, licking right behind my ear. I hear his deep breaths, but he didn’t say anything or even make a motion to move. No, he wanted the boys to watch a while longer, to wish they could be him. Ego trip? Maybe. Incredibly hot? Definitely.

They wanted to be him, and they didn’t even know that he would later cum down my throat as my hands were tied behind my back. They didn’t know that he’d hold a vibrator against my clit, but deny me that orgasm until I just couldn’t hold it back…and then force another as punishment for disobeying. Sucking my clit hard, he’d force a third, my body weak and wet, my legs quivering and my makeup running from the tears sliding down my face.

They wanted to be him, and they didn’t even know that afterward, I’d be melting into his arms, kissing his lips, whispering my complete devotion to him. They didn’t know that I’d change the sheets and make him a sandwich and pick up his dirty clothes while he showered…or that I’d be waiting, naked, on my knees, my eyes on the ground, when he walked out of the bathroom. Just like he liked me. For him to claim any time it stuck his fancy.

All they knew is that this red head at the bar would be going home with him tonight, and of that they were jealous. If they only knew what they were really missing.

He paid for a round at the bar, and we left, his hand on the small of my back as we walked out.

I’ve officially found my new favorite sex toy. Usually, I’m not a huge fan of jelly toys. Usually, I prefer vaginal vibes, not clit vibes. Usually, I expect a vibe to have more than one speed.

And I’m throwing all of those “usually” statements out the window. Because I truly do love the Ultimate Clit Tickler, and I would recommend it to any girl I know.

Ok, let’s talk about what this toy is actually like.

The Ultimate Clit Tickler is made by sex toy company Seven Creations and sells on the Twisted Miss website for £11.99 (around $18 USD). It takes two AAA batteries (not AA like the website says), and has a button to flip it on and off. The whole thing is about five inches long and the shaft is about an inch and a half wide. Then the top has lips and three little prongs and measures about three inches. (There’s a close-up of the top below.) This vibe is only available in pink as far as I can see with Twisted Miss or on any other website, but that’s not a huge deal to me. I like pink.

Usually, I don’t like jelly toys…but with the Ultimate Clit Tickler, I can’t really imagine another material working as well. It really does mimic a mouth, and it needs to be really flexible to get full benefit. A more rigid material wouldn’t feel nearly as good. So, I’m willing to overlook the weird jelly smell and difficulty to keep it clean because it feels so awesome, almost like real lips. Here’s a more close shot of what the top looks like:

What I love most about this vibe is the versatility. Like I said, I usually prefer vaginal or duel-stimulating vibes, like rabbit vibrators, to clit-only vibes. With this toy, you can suction it around your clit for some really powerful vibrations, or you can move it down and angle it so it’s vibrating into the first inch or so of your vag, like real lips. I alternate between the two…love.

Love, love, love.

Oh yeah, and because of the shape, you can use it well as a nipple stimulator as well. I’m not a huge fan of nipple play, but if you are…it definitely works!

The one-speed thing is definitely a downer, but the vibrations are really strong. The button is a little weird. It has a clear on and off switch, but it kinda sticks in the middle unless you push really hard in one direction or the other. At first I saw this as annoying, but actually, I see some benefits. If you’re playing with a partner or even yourself, you can easily play around with the switch to pulse is on and off. The downfall is that if you aren’t completely naked when playing (sometimes, I like to slip a vibe down my sweatpants or panties, for example), brushing against clothing can cause the button to slip or even the top to come unscrewed. No vibe is perfect!

I can’t say enough about the design of this vibe. I haven’t seen other vibes like this, but I hope that Seven Creations or other companies build upon this design. I could see SO MUCH potential into making this one of the best sex toys of all time. Can you imagine if they add more speeds? Or a sucking function? This is already a great design that I love, and it’s a sex toy top seller on the Twisted Miss website, so it looks like others are liking it as well.

Get this vibe. If you’re on the fence, let me push you over. You won’t regret it.

Thanks to Twisted Miss for providing me with this product to review!