Between My Sheets

Back before The Cowboy and before V and even before The Student and I were more than peripheral friends, now that I think about it, I went out with a very nice guy. As friends. See, he messaged me on a dating website because he was originally from this area, but at the time was living about three hours away. He just wanted to meet some new people to hang out with when visiting family for long weekends.

So we went on a date-but-not-really-a-date. It was still a lot of the same conversation, but I paid for myself and there was no pressure to do anything like hold hands during the movie or have a kiss at the end of the night.

He ended up moving back to the area, and we hung out again this summer, right before I met V. It was a group situation, so there was no question about whether or not it was a date. It was just a large group of friends going out.

Then his work sent him oversees for six months. And I started dating V. So we emailed a few times, everything always as friends, but he got really busy with his job, and I’m not always the best at remembering to reply to emails. I didn’t hear from him since…October at least. Maybe longer.

He came back to town for a three-week vacation this month, and thought to call me. That was really nice, because to be honest, I’m just a girl he hung out with as friends twice in his life, and since he’s been gone for six month, there were a lot of people who wanted to spend time with him. It was just really thoughtful that he wanted to maintain our friendship and hang out together.

So we did. We hung out at my house for maybe an hour and just talked, and then saw a movie and had a late dinner and talked some more. It was a very nice evening. There’s just no other way to put it.

Was it a date? No. I was a bit unsure going into it. I mean, the whole reason we agreed to “just friends” in the first place was because he lived too far away. Remove that and…why does it have to be platonic? It doesn’t have to be, but I paid for myself and there was no date-y activities, like opening car doors for me. So it definitely wasn’t a date. But. Well. I think we both kinda wanted it to be. It felt very date-ish. We talked about our futures and relationship wants and exes and families and goals. We laughed with one another, and not everyone appreciates my sense of humor, so that’s a big thing. We shared bites of our food. At the end of the dinner, I put the entire bill on my card and he gave me cash for his half. He made the comment that "Oh, you know, it looks like we’re dating and I made you pay for dinner!”

It was just a really…natural thing. Like we were a couple enjoying an evening together. It wasn’t hard or awkward at all to be with him, just the two of us.

He’s going back oversees for another four months next week, but will definitely be back in this area for good afterward, around July. And when he left tonight, he said that he’s absolutely looking forward to hanging out again then.

I guess, I just keep turning it over in my head. He’s definitely a traditional male figure, if that makes sense. I don’t know about his bedroom preferences, but he made the comment tonight that in his perfect world, the wife does the dishes and the husband mows the lawn, that’s just how it is. Of course that resonated with me. That’s the type of man I want to be with.

But part of me thinks that there’s a pretty good chance that he’s not really interested in the kinky side the relationship I want. He seems pretty vanilla – maybe has experimented or is willing to, but I would be VERY surprised if he got hot at the thought of domming a girl. Maybe I’m wrong, but I have a pretty good sense about these things.

Either way, I am excited to see him again in July. It’s weird to wonder if it will ever transition from friends hanging out to a date. Maybe he has no interest in that ever happening. And who knows – by July I could be seeing someone else and have no interest of my own.

That doesn’t change the fact that he’s a good man, and someone I’m happy to call a friend. I like the potential there. If something more ever did come from it, I don’t know that I’d be sad, because I haven’t had an evening this nice in a long, long time.

Sex is serious business. Right?

Well…maybe.

When I was college, I definitely didn’t respect my own body. At first, sex was this novel, new things, a way to confirm that a boy liked me. But then, I really started to spin out of control. For about a year, I was really, really depressed about life, and I didn’t really care if I lived or died. Partying started on Thursday night and didn’t end until the keg was kicked on Monday morning. It was a game, to see if I could go home with someone at the end of the night. Some nights, I did.

I kept my grades up and I kept a 20-hour-a-week job on top of full time school, but I hated myself and didn’t think it was good enough. I wanted to be so much more, and because I wasn’t, I kind of…gave up. Sex was the only confirmation I felt, like it was the only way I felt good enough, even if it was only for an hour or so. I’m lucky that I didn’t catch any really nasty STDs during this era of my life. Mono and chlamydia (FYI, that’s a 100% curable STD) were the worst things that came from it. Well, that and a completely shattered self-image.

I’m still working on finding who I am, repairing that mirror where I look at my own reflection. I credit my now-best-friend (then-bf) with saving me. He certainly didn’t mean to take that role in my life, but when he came into the picture, I decided that I deserved something more. So, I guess I really saved myself, but he was the inspiration. When we eventually broke up, I had to re-think my views on sex for real. It is easy to say “I’m only having sex when I’m in a long-term, committed relationship with someone I love” when you…are.

I wouldn’t say I fell into my old ways again completely, but let’s just say that I haven’t been a nun when single. Then, a few months ago, I noted to The Cowboy that I didn’t want to be like that anymore. We talked about the fact that sex is special, and you shouldn’t just give it to someone who doesn’t deserve it…and “deserving it” means a long-term committed relationship.

That sounded really nice to me, so nice that I turned a booty call with the Student into a platonic visit, even though I wasn’t obligated to anyone in any way.

But you know what? That’s just not me. Sex can be very serious business, but to say that I need to be romantically in love with someone to have it in a positive way is complete crap.

If I have someone in my life, I have no problem saying no to sex outside of the relationship. One guy is more than enough for me, even in a new relationship when we aren’t yet doing more than kissing. And yes, my days of one night stands are over. It feels crappy to wake up naked next to a whole lot of nothing because some guy whose name you don’t even remember made his escape while you were sleeping. Or worse, it feels even crappier to feel obligated to be gone by morning, to try to silently fumble back into your clothing and make that walk of shame to your car or home in the dark only to realize that you aren’t wearing your thong and you forgot your lip gloss on his nightstand. Consider them martyrs of the night, you’ll never see either again.

I can also wait for someone. I absolutely LOVE sex, but if a guy needs to be in love with me before he sleeps with me, I’m still more than willing to be in a relationship with him and wait until he’s ready, even if that takes a fairly long time. Kisses and hand-holding are way underrated, and if a guy expressed to me that he wanted to wait, it would be months or even maybe years before I’d start to feel like we were moving too slowly. I don’t think I would want to wait for marriage, because I think sex is an important part of a relationship, but I don’t need to be naked after our first date. I’m willing to wait, and to be honest, I’d prefer to wait until he at least felt like he could love me, that we’re moving in that direction.

But casual sex? I don’t think it is wrong, at least not for me. I think it can be bad if both parties aren’t on the same page, and it certainly can be unsafe if you sleep with people you don’t trust, but if you choose your partners wisely, casual sex can be incredible. If you can have an amazing night enjoying one another physically, and leave in the morning feeling loved and happy, why isn’t that a positive thing in life?

The argument can be made that if you aren’t special enough to someone to want to date, you shouldn’t be their source of sex. That’s not how you have to look at things too. I think a friendship where you aren’t necessarily romantically involved, but where you trust one another enough to have sex is VERY special. And to still be friends the next day, to be able to talk about it if you want, to feel comfortable around one another? That isn’t just special. That’s rare.

To someone who hasn’t experienced this kind of closeness with someone outside of a relationship, I can understand how it would seem odd or even wrong, but I feel blessed to have certain people in my life where a FWB relationship is possible, regardless of if it lasts just one night or if it lasts several nights until one of us is off the market.

The bottom line? You can have casual sex and still respect yourself. It all depends on the choices you make and the people in your life.

1. I’m way too awesome in the kitchen to be single. Seriously. Also, there are few things more rewarding than dancing around in my panties to Lady Gaga as I’m licking the spoon to the most delicious chocolate pudding dessert I’ve ever made. *dances around*

2. I still got it. After months and months of not having sex, I was starting to worry that “if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it” was true. It’s not; I confirmed that I’m still awesome this weekend, hehe. Friends with benefits = amazing. You know, a few months ago, I decided I didn’t want to do that with anyone anymore, but at the end of the day…it makes me feel awesome about myself and it’s a ton of fun with someone I trust, so if that’s not respecting myself, I don’t know what is.

3. Financially, my life is…wow. Finally starting to be where I want it to be! I have a savings account now – and there’s money in it! I’m able to take a trip to Florida in May without scraping by. My credit card debt is decreasing every month. Best of all, I’ve started saving to buy land of my own. I’m thinking upstate New York, and my dad may go in on it with me so that I’ll have a house with a lot of land (where he can hunt occasionally). My own home! It makes me all tingly with excitement. *dances around even more*

4. I feel like I’ve turned this major corner with understanding myself and what I want in life as far as romance. I’m always going to have “downs,” and the right guy for me is going to not only understand that, but pull me back up again. Not in a dependency way, but in a way where he knows to chill out and give me hugs, waiting it through, instead of reading too much into every little part of my life and making me feel like I’m crazy. Someone who can do that will be a very special person indeed. He doesn’t need to save me, just hold my hand.

5. Even if it is rainy, the weather is beginning to be beautiful every single day. It’s warm, it’s light out later, and the world is starting to be green again. That’s a reason to dance if I ever heard one!

6. It is soon wine festival season, which is my favorite time of year. And I’ve decided that when the first one does come around, I’m going to invite The Cowboy to come with us (there’s usually a huge group of us that goes), no strings attached. If he says no, reads too much into it, blah blah blah, whatever… that’s his loss. *shrug* I’m no longer afraid that he’ll think badly of me or something. His opinions of me don’t make me who I really am, and hopefully he’ll put his past judgments aside and just opt for an afternoon of fun. It’s just a great time, nothing more, nothing less. Wine festival = no drama! There’s nothing I’d love more than to lay in the grass, sipping out of a bottle, and listen to music with all of my favorite people.

7. I haven’t seen The Student in…months and months! That needs to change, I miss his face.

That’s all for today. Last thought for you all: We’re fools whether we dance or not…so we might as well dance.

I feel like I need to clarify a few things, due to the emails I’ve been getting:

1. RE: the previous post I wrote about the Cowboy

He’s not a bad person. He’s actually a very good person. Yes, I think he treats people a certain way, and in me, it ended up causing a meltdown because of who I am and the other things going on in my life at the time. He couldn’t have possibly known that was going to happen, and I didn’t know it either. Sometimes, personalities just fit together in weird ways  at weird times in life and cause weird experiences. But please…don’t think he’s a bad person. He’s one of the best people I know. Troubled, maybe, but a very good person, whether he believes it or not.

2. RE: my toy reviews

Yes, the toys and other products I review here are usually given to me for free. However, I will NOT write a positive review unless I actually like the product. I don’t exchange good reviews for free stuff, and I don’t get paid to write reviews here.

3. RE: the married man

Yes, I’ve spoken here about making out with a married man. No, I’m not exactly proud of it, but then again, everyone’s situation is different, and if he is comfortable with making out even though he is married, I’m not going to lecture him about it. For all I know, they could have an open marriage. I don’t go out of my way to “seduce” him. I never have.

And further clarification on the topic: I’m not in any way planning some kind of relationship with him beyond friendship and perhaps the occasional making out, like we’ve done in the past. Not only is he married, but he lives hours and hours away from me and that wouldn’t change even if he did get a divorce. It is just a friendship, and a little fun because we’re comfortable around one another.

4. RE: erotica you read here

Some of it is true. Some of it is fantasy. Most is a mixture.

That’s all for now. So to close, I’ll say this: If you haven’t seen the new Gaga video yet, for Telephone, please watch it. It is by far one of the funniest/best things I’ve seen in a long time. “See…I told you she doesn’t have a dick…”

And good advice to anyone: Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger.

“Hi, how are ya?”

“Ok.”

“How are you doing?”

“Fine.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

Ever notice how we give these stock answers 99% of the time? It’s almost like a reflex. I’m Ok. Yeah, I’m fine. Nothing is new in my life.

We’re not always ok or fine or up to nothing. Sometimes, there is a lot going on in our lives. So why, then, do we give people these answers? Because we don’t want to share? Because we don’t want to burden them? Because it’s what they want to hear? Or have we, as a society, simply given up?

Let me change gears for a moment. There are people who thrive on being a victim. You know the type. They love collecting pity. They’re dramatic and upset all the time. They’re always the victim, and they play the part well. Somehow, I fell into this victim role last year, even though I didn’t want it.

Over the past month, through being able to talk to someone, I realized something, and I know that I said I wasn’t going to analyze things with him anymore, but allow me this post, dear readers, because it’s an important thing that I’ve come to learn. The Cowboy was creating a victim mentality in me. It was so very unhealthy, and I don’t think he meant to do it. In fact, I believe fully that it isn’t something he realized he was doing. Maybe it made him feel good, to think that he could take care of me? I’m not sure. But it did happen.

What I have realized is that 99% of our conversations turned to how one of my ex-boyfriends sucked or people made fun of me in school or various other problems in my life in the past. In other words, our conversations always led to me talking about how I was some kind of victim. It didn’t start like that, but in the final month or so or talking with him, that’s what it became. I even remember mentioning once that it was odd that he brought up my exes all the time. Most guys would rather cut out their tongues then talk about past relationships.

While it may be true that bad things have happened to me, in relationships and otherwise, I’m not a victim. Bad things happen to everyone. You move on and hopefully learn from it a little.

And talking to him, I got stuck in this ugly rut of dependence. Through our conversations, I would start to feel like a victim. They’d always end on a good note though – The Cowboy was in my life, so things didn’t have to be bad anymore. Yes, I did deserve better. Yes, I was going to find a better life. Yay! But then, I’d panic when I couldn’t talk to him about even the smallest sad or bad feeling I was having, because it was him who I turned to in order to “fix” problems…and he started to resent that, because that wasn’t the girl he met and it put a lot of pressure on him.

The truth was, things weren’t bad before he was in my life. I didn’t need him to save me from anything. Sure, I wanted to find that someone special but in general, my life was pretty good. That’s the girl he met. And really, that’s who I am.

I just fed off of the attention. He gave me attention when he felt sorry for me in some way, and I trusted him enough to start telling him more and more about my life, good and bad. But for some reason, he always focused on the bad, making it seem like “oh, now that I’m in your life, things are never going to be like that again.” And that’s a good thing to know…but it’s really unhealthy when that is the basis for your entire friendship.

This post sounds a bit like I’m blaming him. I’m not; at least, that’s not my intention. I should have stopped it from the start. There’s a difference between being a sub and being a victim, and I think maybe he has the two confused a little. I know better. I should have never let it happen like it did. Thinking about it, from what little he spoke of other people in his life, I suspect that he treats everyone this way to some degree. He likes to take care of the important people in his life. It’s admirable, but at the same time, it can be a bad thing if you’re creating problems that don’t exist or encourage people to depend on you.

Plus, the only way I knew how to respond was to try to take care of him too. And he hated that. I don’t even think I did anything that care-taker-y…but even wanting to return how he treated me made him uncomfortable. He hated feeling like some kind of victim, even though he happily stuck me in that box.

It’s a shame, really. I feel like there’s so much that he never got to know about me because he just focused on the negative. It’s really special to share the bad things that have happened to you, to trust someone that way…I just wish he saw that I was a stronger person, and a happier person because I went through them and made it to the other side without him or an ex or anyone. I wish he wanted to know the good things about Rori as much as he wanted to know the bad things about her. I wish it wouldn’t have always circled back to what was wrong in my life, because our conversations were just magnifying tiny little things that didn’t matter at all in the long run.

I’m ok. For real. I’m fine. Honestly. And there’s nothing wrong in my life. Ok. Fine. Nothing. Sometimes, that’s the truth, sometimes there’s nothing more to read into it. Do I miss him? Of course. Do I wish he’d come back in my life? Absolutely. But I really am ok…whether he wants to be here or not.

And maybe, until he figures out that he can care about someone without treating her like a victim…well, maybe it’s for the best than he’s not.

A small disclaimer before I leave for the night…please always remember that what you read here is one “side” of the story. The Cowboy, along with all of the other men I talk about on this blog, don’t have a voice here, and their experience are probably very different from my own. That doesn’t make my account less true. Just incomplete.