If you’re one of those people who has no idea what to pick when shopping for sex toys, you’re not alone. In fact, most adults find the market so overwhelming that one of three things usually take place:
- They spend a bunch of their hard-earned money on random toys and hope for the best (but typically get the worst).
- They end up choosing something great but break the bank in the process (when they could have gotten something much cheaper), or
- They sadly refuse to use sex toys altogether.
And while it’s true that the options are virtually endless nowadays, that doesn’t mean the discovery of a decent toy has to be hard. Truth be told, the only hard thing in this equation should be a dick, or better yet, a dildo.
There’s no shame in wanting to explore the far reaches of orgasmic potential using inanimate objects. After all, sex toys have been around since the dawn of civilization. That’s right, even your mammie had one.
Women once fashioned dildos out of stone and chalk, while ancient Grecian men would beat their meat with old bread, and my big brother’s favorite chicken choker was a homemade fifi he created using one of our dad’s old tube socks. Those are all things you know now.
What I’m saying is that we’ve all been there: We’ve all been too horny for our own good. We’ve all become unsatisfied in the sack or gotten curious about what else is possible. We’ve all paid good money for a bad product and we’ve all been duped by clever marketing at least once. There’s got to be a better way to rock the boat without drowning in bullshit, right? Well, now there is and you can thank me for it later.
Quality Sex Toy Reviews & Sex Tips Are At Your Service
I’ve never really been considered a philanthropist (a.k.a. I’m kind of a bitch who just wants to get off and go to bed). However, I’m sick of watching my equally perverted brothers and sisters fall victim to false advertising and lackluster manufacturing. In essence, I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this to keep those overzealous sex toy makers in check. When the smoke clears, you guys get the spoils of war. You’re welcome.
So, although I’m basically providing a service here, please understand one thing: This might hurt a little. I’m going to step on toes. I’m going to bash brand names that have been trusted for years. I’m going to say what we all wish we could and I’m not going to apologize. I’ll do all this in the name of free enterprise, economic competition, manufacturer transparency and, most importantly, good sex. So even if it becomes painful to watch your idols fall, just know that you can always get your info from those other guys – the ones serving up piping hot plates of rip-off on a daily basis.
What’s Really Going on Here?
As mentioned, my main mission is to be a prophet of reformation for the sex toy industry. They either need to get their shit together or we’ll take our business somewhere else, right everybody? Everybody?!
Ok, so maybe we’ll all still use sex toys even if they’re pieces of junk, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want our money’s worth. Someone has to be a whistleblower, and that someone has to be sans the market’s balls on their chin. No affiliations here. Just the naked truth.
“Although the wonderful world of sex toys has done its best to provide for the needs of all people, there’s always been a gap between fiction and reality.”
So, feel free to pick through my treasure chest to find candid and comprehensive product descriptions and reviews presented by an individual without ties to any brand or manufacturer – all in an effort to finally bridge that gap. At this honest oasis you’ll find everything you need to know about the following sex toys/devices for men and women, minus the salesy fodder:
Basically, any and every product that a man or woman might use during sex (alone or with a partner) is openly discussed by my loud and shameless mouth. I try to leave no stone unturned. So, if you have a product/topic that you’d like reviewed by me, just shoot over an email and I’ll see what I can do. Again, I’m no philanthropist, so give me a good reason or go fuck yourself (literally).
The Ascent of a Woman (See What I Did There?)
Don’t roll your eyes at me just yet. This sex toy regulation stuff is important business. Back in the day, female sexuality was considered a myth. Supposedly created only to procreate and fold laundry, women were thought to be void of orgasmic capacity until the turn of the century. Before that, ladies masturbate in secret like they were committing a crime or get a prescription vibrator from their family doctor. Talk about an awkward visit to the pharmacy.
Luckily, times have changed. However, the aftermath has left many gals flabbergasted by the sheer number of options available to them now. It doesn’t help that shady snake oil salesmen have described every toy as “fantastic” or “innovative.” They can’t all be that amazing, can they? I, for one, think not.
It’s a Man’s World
Meanwhile, male sex toys have come a long way as well. It only takes a quick flashback to the dawn of the internet to see how desperate the guys were getting for a revolution. Pathetically banding together in online forums to help one another create the best masturbator from common household goods and produce, sad gatherings of otherwise sane men drove themselves crazy trying to design something safe, pleasurable, durable and cost-effective. Those same men wound up inventing the modern-day male sex toy out of sheer necessity, and we can’t thank them for it enough.
Two Is (Sometimes) Better Than One
Once everybody jumped on the sex toy bandwagon, clever manufacturers started introducing innovative “couple’s” toys to the eager suffragettes of The Great Sexual Oppression. Designed to provide real-time and hyper-realistic sensations through a wide variety of media, couple’s sex toys are in a league of their own and deserve to be treated as such. So, for your viewing pleasure, I’ve made sure to include those products in the annuls of this website.
Use Me Up and Spit Me Out
The information on this site is meant to be easy to understand, simple to find and as honest as it comes. Don’t feel bad if you bookmark the page and turn to it like an owner’s manual for your genitals. Either way, before you fork over any cheddar, get to know the product a little better. Prior to paying your dues, peruse some of my reviews. Sorry, I’m a poet and now you know it.